I (27F) come from an extremely religious background, the kind where there are certain expectations and lifestyles you usually cannot get away from.
However, I was extemely lucky because thanks to my academic success during high school, and after a lot of support from my teachers, I was able to get away and go to an ivy league university. That was where I discovered I was gay.
I never came out, but more or less drifted apart from my family over the years. Mostly because I did not at all fit the description of their idea of an ideal woman. So we had a lot of issues and conflicts including my "lack of faith" in religion that triggered them to keep contact with me to a bare minimum.
They are absolutely NOT accepting of any kind of same-sex relationship and I thought I would spare them the toxic judgemental stares from people in their community. Therefore, I did not let them know that I was gay, or that I was in love, or that I got married (last year).
I found out an old friend of a friend who knew us talked to my family about my wife and I. I only got a phone call from my oldest brother saying I was the filthiest AH, a disgrace, and that I would be deemed as dead from now on in my family's perspective. He also told me I stepped into another level of low by not telling them about my marriage. (Because then they could have cut contact sooner).
My wife thinks that letting them know before we got married could have saved us a relationship with them. I have explained multiple times about the dynamic and why they told me what they did. However I do feel like I may have made a mistake. Should I have told them? AITA?
NTA. You knew that your family uses their religious beliefs to excuse their hateful, homophobic, misogynistic views.
Your brother’s call simply confirms that they aren’t upset that you didn’t tell them about the relationship/wedding from a ‘we’re hurt that you felt that you couldn’t share this information with us and we missed out on a beautiful memory of celebrating you and your wife’ standpoint. They’re upset because they couldn’t repudiate you earlier with vile and hateful words.
You made the right call by distancing yourself from your family. They don’t sound like the type to set aside decades of misogynistic indoctrination because they choose to love and accept you unconditionally. And that is their loss.
NTA - Why would you or your wife ever want to have that in your life? Your brother proves it quite nicely with his phone call. You were spared a relationship with them.
NTA. Why on earth would you owe them opportunities to increase the efficiency of their bigotry? If they want someone to streamline their hate-workflows, they can pay a consultant. If your wife truly doesn’t get it and keeps harping on about what you should have done differently, you might need to find a good therapist to help explain things to her.
NTA you are no contact now, I don’t understand why your wife is continuing to beat a dead horse. You did what you thought was right at the time and she should understand it is your family experience.
NTA --- I hope that when your brother rang you and started calling you names you laughed at him before hanging up in his ear.