'AITA for giving my girlfriend an ultimatum about her male best friend?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for giving my girlfriend an ultimatum about her male best friend?"

I (28M) have been dating my girlfriend, Sarah (26F), for just over a year now, and while I love her, there’s one thing that’s been eating at me since the very beginning: her relationship with her male best friend, Jake (27M).

Jake has been Sarah’s "ride or die" since college, and I knew from the start that they were close. But what I didn’t realize was how much it would impact our relationship. I’ve always tried to be the chill, trusting boyfriend – I don’t want to be the guy who’s threatened by a platonic friendship. But, honestly, it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’m the third wheel in my own relationship.

Jake and Sarah are practically inseparable. They hang out multiple times a week – dinners, movie nights, spontaneous late-night drives – and I’m usually not even invited. If I try to join, it’s awkward, like I’m crashing their private joke-filled world that I’m not a part of. It stings, but I tried to let it go for the sake of keeping the peace.

But then things started to cross a line. Jake texts her constantly, even when we’re together on dates. It’s not just casual stuff, either. He calls her "babe" and "sweetheart," and when I brought this up to Sarah, she laughed and said it was just their "thing" and that it didn’t mean anything.

Apparently, they’ve been calling each other that for years. But to me, it feels like there’s more to it. Who calls their best friend 'babe' when they’re in a relationship? Then there was the night I stayed over at her place and woke up at 2 AM to find Sarah on FaceTime with Jake. She was giggling like a schoolgirl, whispering so she wouldn’t wake me.

When I asked her about it the next morning, she brushed it off, saying Jake needed someone to talk to. But what about me? Am I just here as background noise while she stays emotionally tethered to this guy? The final straw came last weekend. Sarah and I had been planning a special weekend getaway for our one-year anniversary – something we’d been looking forward to for months.

But, out of nowhere, Jake invites her to a concert the same weekend. Sarah asked me if we could postpone our anniversary trip so she could go with Jake instead because it’s a band they both "absolutely love." I was floored. Our anniversary, something we’d been planning for months, could just be rescheduled for Jake? It was like I didn’t even matter.

I told her that this was too much and asked her to set some clear boundaries with Jake – like no more pet names, no more hanging out one-on-one all the time, and definitely no more prioritizing him over our relationship. She blew up at me, calling me "controlling" and "insecure."

She even said, "You knew Jake was part of my life when we started dating. Why are you trying to change me now?" Things got worse when Jake apparently told her that I was being "toxic" and trying to manipulate her. Sarah is siding with him, saying I’m overreacting and that nothing has ever happened between them.

She’s now furious with me for "giving her an ultimatum" when all I really asked for were some boundaries that would make me feel like I’m her boyfriend, not just a side character in her life with Jake. Now, Sarah’s giving me the silent treatment, and I’m starting to feel like I’ve somehow become the villain in my own relationship. Am I losing my mind here?

I’m not asking her to drop Jake completely, just to prioritize us and respect our relationship. But maybe I’ve been unreasonable. So, AITA for asking my girlfriend to set boundaries with her male best friend, or is this friendship way too close for comfort?

The internet fully had OP's back.

DisastrousMachine568 wrote:

You are not losing your mind, their friendship and connection is not a normal friendship behaviour when you have a boyfriend. She doesn’t prioritise you, she prioritises him, and it is an old saying ; you should not judge by their words but look to their action.

Her actions tells you clearly that you are not as important.

So treat yourself right, and LEAVE her. You’re not toxic, SHE is.

youmustb3jokn wrote:

NTA. First point, Jake can have an opinion but that is not relevant to your relationship. Honestly it sounds like they are dating. I think you giving an ultimatum was never going to end good for you. Honestly you know he is her number one priority, even if she doesn’t say it in words she declares it in all her actions.

I think fundamentally Jake is the third person in your relationship and he will always win. If you can handle that, stay. If not go find your ride or die person. Life is too short to be uncomfortable and frustrated in your romantic relationship after a year.

igy582 wrote:

Umm….do everyone a favor and end this thing now. You will be doing Sarah a favor: She can have Jake. You will be doing Jake a favor: He can have Sarah.

Most of all though, you will be doing yourself a huge favor because you can find someone who sees you as her “ride or die” and someone who is actually loyal to you because, after all, loyalty is the single most important factor in friendship: Not being nice or liking the same things.

Sarah does not believe she needs to be loyal to you. You know how I know? We can only truly know what we believe…versus what we think we believe…by watching how we act. He actions speak volumes.

Away-Understanding34 wrote:

NTA...friendships with the opposite sex can only work when there's respect for that person's relationship and partner. Sarah and Jake don't respect you or the relationship you supposedly have with Sarah. It's complete BS for her to be throwing out words like insecure and controlling when she's the one being inappropriate with Jake.

She will find no one will be ok with how they are acting. To be honest, you should really think about walking away. If she's not willing to compromise and set some limits/boundaries with him, your relationship will not last. You are not being unreasonable.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Hey everyone, I’m back with an update, and let me just say—it didn’t turn out how I expected at all. I first want to thank you all for the amazing support you all have given me. After reading over the comments and talking to some of you guys. I had made up my mind. I was done being second place in my own relationship, and I was ready to walk away.

But what happened next surprised me. Saturday night Sarah came over to talk. I was prepared to have the breakup conversation, but before I could get a word in, she told me something unexpected: she had canceled the concert plans with Jake. She said that after our last conversation, she realized how serious I was, and it made her think about everything.

She told me she had been selfish, that she had been taking our relationship for granted. She said she’d told Jake she couldn’t go to the concert, and instead, she wanted to spend the weekend with me—no distractions, no third wheels, just us. I was honestly shocked. Part of me didn’t believe it. For months, I had been asking her to set boundaries with Jake, and suddenly, she was doing it?

It felt surreal, like a last-minute effort to save something that was already broken. But she seemed sincere. She apologized, not just for the concert situation, but for all the times she had ignored my feelings, dismissed my concerns, and prioritized Jake over us. She admitted she had been blind to how much it hurt me and said she didn’t want to lose me.

It was emotional. She was crying, and I could see how much it scared her that I was about to walk away. For the first time in a long time, it felt like she was choosing me. But here’s the thing: as much as I appreciated her apology, it didn’t magically fix everything. I told her that while canceling the concert was a good step, it didn’t erase all the hurt.

I still felt like I had been competing with Jake for too long, and trust once broken is hard to rebuild. We ended up spending the weekend together as planned. We didn’t go on the big anniversary trip, but we stayed in, cooked together, and had long conversations about everything—our relationship, Jake, the future.

It was a rollercoaster of emotions. There were moments where I felt like maybe we could make this work, but also moments where the damage felt too deep to repair. By today, I was emotionally drained. Sarah seemed to think things were heading in the right direction, but I still wasn’t sure. I needed space to think.

So, I told her we should take a break—give each other some time to reflect and see if this relationship was something we both wanted to fight for. She didn’t take it well. She cried again, begged me not to go, said she’d prove to me that she was serious about changing. But I needed to be alone, to clear my head without the constant push and pull of emotions. So, I left. I haven’t spoken to her since.

We agreed to give it a couple of weeks before we decide anything, but to be honest, I’m still leaning toward ending things for good. Could she really have set boundaries with Jake after everything? I find this hard to believe after months of me begging, I feel like I’ve already checked out of the relationship, and while her efforts are appreciated, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s too little, too late.

I’ll always care about Sarah, but this whole situation has made me realize how important it is to be with someone who values and respects you from the beginning. Someone who doesn’t make you feel like you have to compete for their attention. You all think she might've cheated on me with Jake, so -- should I give her another chance or should I go through with the break up?

People were quick to share their hot takes on the situation.

Global-Fact7752 wrote:

I would take the full two weeks and just rest...I know this sounds silly but let your subconscious mind work through it. Eat well get alot of rest...read or watch movies. just be. At the end of two weeks, do a gut check and see where you are.

Poku115 wrote:

Just my two cents but maybe you are not okay that it had to get this bad and for you to get a foot our the door for her to finally realize and ponder what you were saying all along? Like you've noticed she cares more about being with you than you?

That's how it comes off to me tbh, only until it was an ultimatum, until she was about to lose the relationship, did she give it more than a thought. I don't know, I just feel like it's a step too late.

waxedgooch wrote:

Something happened. Nobody does a 180 that does fast without something happening. I suspect she finally asked Jake to make it official and he backed out, now she’s afraid of being alone Whatever. She’s not loyal either way. The fact it had to come to this is too much.

GrumpyLump91 wrote:

Guessing that you'll find out that her and Jake hooked up cause you were on a break....OR...the real reason she set boundaries is that Jake dumped her. Either way, I don't think she had a come to Jesus moment about your relationship. 4 months is a long time to treat someone poorly and then just turn it off like a light switch. I don't trust her.