'AITA for giving money set aside for my son to his daughter’s mother? He feels betrayed.'

"AITAH for giving money set aside for my son to his daughter’s mother?"

My husband and I are fortunate that we were able to not just put our children through college, but also put money aside for their future weddings. As our sons got older, one of them, Frank, told us that he didn’t plan on getting married. My husband and I talked about it and decided that when the time came, we would give him money towards the down payment on his first home.

We also told our other son that this was an option as well, and he could use the money for either. From ages 20 to 23, Frank dated Nadine. They were pretty serious and according to Frank, he planned to be with her long term. She was very close with our family and even vacationed with us. Then, one day, out of nowhere, he announced that they broke up.

He didn’t want to talk about why and refused to talk about her period. We weren’t sure what was going on, but supported him. Then, a few months later, Nadine reached out to me. She asked if I had Frank’s new phone number. I was hesitant to give it to her, as I wasn’t sure if he’d want her to have it.

That’s when she told me that she had recently given birth to Frank’s child and couldn’t get into contact with him, but she really needed his help. I didn’t give her his number but said I would talk to him and get his consent. When I told Frank the news, he wasn’t surprised. He said he knew about the baby. I asked if he knew if it was his, did Nadine cheat or something and that’s why they broke up?

He said no, he knew the baby was his. Nadine isn’t the type to cheat. He said that he just doesn’t want to be a father. I asked if he thought she baby trapped him. Not because I thought she did but just trying to find any reason for this attitude. He said no, he believes it was a true accident, but he didn’t want a baby. I was in shock. My husband and I didn’t raise either of our boys to be this way.

I said even if he doesn’t want to physically be present, he still owes child support. He claims that no, he’s not going to pay and Nadine is too poor to get a lawyer. I told him I was disappointed in him and that he needed to get his act together and be responsible. He was very nonchalant when refusing. I truly didn’t recognize the son in front of me.

I ended up meeting with Nadine privately. She looked exhausted. She told me that she had been laid off right before finding out she was pregnant and was struggling to find work. She had depleted her savings. On top of it, she was exhausted from caring for the baby. I held the baby and fell in love instantly. I knew we had to help Nadine and my granddaughter.

I spoke with some friends and helped Nadine get a job. My husband and I discussed it and decided we would use Frank’s wedding/down payment fund on getting a good lawyer for her. One of the first things done was getting a DNA test which proved that yes, the baby is Frank’s. And with the lawyer, Nadine was able to get child support out of Frank.

At the time, Frank didn’t know where the money for the lawyer came from. Nadine asked us not to tell him for the time being, and we agreed. This was all a year ago. My husband and I are very active in Nadine and the baby’s lives. Nadine is doing much better. She has a new apartment and the child support has helped her immensely. Frank has barely spoken to us in the time since.

He calls us traitors for even wanting to be around Nadine and the baby. He also blamed us for her suing him for child support. We’ve told him that we are very disappointed in him trying to skip out on his responsibilities and making it so the mother of his child couldn’t support their baby. Frank recently came to us and announced he’s finally ready to buy his first home.

He said he has some money saved up, so combined with what we’ve put away, he feels he can buy a nice house. We told him that the money isn’t there anymore and finally explained why. He became furious. He told us that we had chosen Nadine and the baby over him. We said no, we chose the baby’s well-being over him.

He has now cut us off completely and says that we have chosen this “new family” over him. Our other son was supportive of us being in the baby’s life, but says we were wrong for giving up the money Frank always counted on, on the baby. While we were once confident in our choice, we now wonder if we went too far. Were we wrong?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Gwenn_Dazzle wrote:

NTA. Sounds like you just stepped up where Frank wouldn't. It's about supporting the baby, not choosing sides. Frank might be hurt, but at the end of the day, that money made a real difference for a little one who needed it.

subordinate wrote:

What I don't understand os why your husband has not smacked the living shit out of his son. I am sorry your son is a disgusting P.O.S. Any son of mine would need help to breathe if he became something like your son has become.

OP responded:

Honestly, one of the reasons why we don't speak to him often is the urge to smack him for this bulls--t. My husband was abandoned by his own father and this whole thing has brought him back to a horrible place.

UseObjectiveEvidence wrote:

I 1000% agree with everything you have done so far. Frank has abandoned his long term GF who did no wrong and his daughter. He has also walked away from his parents over money he has felt entitled to.

Frank is a hypocrite. He doesn't want to provide for his own child but expects his parents to put a down payment for his house. If he is going to treat his kids like used Kleenex then he should expect the same treatment from his own parents.

bookerman62 wrote:

NTA. You did what you thought was the right thing to do for your grandchild and your son sounds like he’s an entitled prick. He dumped his girlfriend because she accidentally got pregnant with HIS child.

CeramicSavage wrote:

NTA. It was your money. I think what you did for your granddaughter was admirable. It's not your fault Frank turned out to be a deadbeat. You did your best. Frank made his choice and you made yours.

RubyKitsune wrote:

NTA - at the end of the day, Frank doesn't believe that a parent should support their child. That should definitely go for him too. The fact he tried to hide it all from you speaks volumes. He knew you wouldn't support the decision so he tried to hide your grandchild from you so he could effectively still extort you for money. Sounds like you're nothing but a savings account to him, to be honest.

LilacDatura wrote:

Ask Frank, “if you don’t owe any support to your newborn child, why would you expect us to support our grown adult child?”

NTA.

OP responded:

I never even thought of it this way, but you are absolutely right to frame it this way.