'AITA for going to a concert last minute with a friend, without inviting my friend who couldn’t afford it?'
"AITA for going to a concert last minute with my husband and a friend, without inviting my other friend who couldn’t afford it?"
A few nights ago, my husband and our friend (M) decided last minute to go to a concert that was two hours away. M invited both of us, and since it was so spontaneous, we just went with it.
The issue is that I have another friend (F) who I had previously talked to about this concert. She told me she really wanted to go but couldn’t afford it, so we just dropped the idea at the time.
When M invited us last minute, I didn’t even think to reach out to F because (1) she had already said she didn’t have the money, and (2) she just had a baby recently so I didn’t think she’d be able to find a sitter on such short notice. F also frequently expects me to pay for things for her, to the point where I feel like I’m her mother sometimes even though I’m younger than her.
I honestly didn’t want to be in a situation where I had to cover everything for her again, especially since it was such a spontaneous trip. Now, she seems upset that we went without her even texted me very hostile and I’m wondering if I was wrong for not at least asking if she wanted to come. AITA?
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Spare_Ad5000 wrote:
NTA, and no, you shouldn't be covering payments for her. You need a break from her and her hostility.
If you respond to her hostile text at all, text, "You said you couldn't afford it."
Bibliophile_coffee_ wrote:
NTA! She is using you. I had this happen to me 20!years ago. Someone invited me to a concert, they invited me. And someone else got mad I didn’t take them. M was the organizer of this event. M invited you and your husband. You weren’t the ringleader, it wasn’t your place to say “hey, let’s grab F.”
And honestly with people like that if you did invite her she’d be mad if one of you didn’t stay home and watch the baby so she could go. She’d be mad if you didn’t pay, she’d be mad if you didn’t shell out extra for snacks and goodies, there is no situation where she wouldn’t be mad at something. Let go of the noose of guilt she has trained you to wrap around your neck.
KBD_in_PDX wrote:
NTA you're allowed to attend events with anyone you like, just as F is. She didn't take the initiative to go, because she has other adult responsibilities she decided were more important. OK, great.
Is she able to express her reason for being upset that you went without her, if she indicated she couldn't afford to go? Make her come out and say that she expected you to pay for her so that you can shut down her attitude of being entitled to your funds, and set a boundary that friends don't expect others to pay for their activities.
mlc885 wrote:
NTA. Compulsory gifts aren't gifts, and the only thing you knew was that she had said she could not go. You don't decide what you do based upon what she can do or can afford. She is lying if she wants to pretend that she would have been happier had you texted immediately to tell her you were going without her. Who knows if she realizes she is lying, but she is.
smegheadgirl wrote:
NTA. Absolutely not! I can't afford a lot of things right now because i had lots of expensive stuff done (house renovation mainly) and i just canceled about 5 outings just now. I'm very sad about it but i don't expect anyone to finance my leisures. If one of my cats was falling very ill just now, i'd definitely borrow money if needed. But not in a million years for going out. It's not "essential."
TragicaDaSpell wrote:
NTA. If you had offered, she would have made it uncomfortable for you by expecting you to pay, or even suggesting that one of you stay home to babysit. Frankly, she sounds exhausting and I don't blame you for leaving her behind.
Crafty_Pomegranate_19 wrote:
NTA you did nothing wrong! Your friend is acting entitled to your time and your money - that’s a bigger problem. I empathize a bit if she doesn’t have much support but that’s HER problem and responsibility to work through/ She’s biting the hand that fed her, what do you get out of this friendship?
Antelope_31 wrote:
NTA. She wasn’t invited. You were. The end. You definitely need to stop paying for her at all. Give her a head’s up before you do something together, clearly and ahead of time that this will be the case, in the event this impacts her ability or decision to do something.
You owe her zero explanation beyond no, I am not paying for you. Your finances are none of her business. She is acting entitled and not like an actual friend.
ExSeaDog wrote:
NTA. 1) You said M invited you, so it was not your trip to organize. Technically you’d have been stepping on M’s toes. 2) You’re under no obligation to take F with you anywhere. And mostly certainly have no obligation to pay her way.
Frankly, you really need to pop the wheels off her gravy train. Next time you’re in a situation where she would expect you to pay make it clear you only have funding for yourself. No explanations, no excuses; she doesn’t need to know why you decided you cannot afford to pay her way. You really need to reevaluate this “friendship” - it really sounds more like a usership.