'AITA for going to a family event my sister was not invited to after she bailed on a funeral?'
"AITA for going to a 'family' event that my sister was not invited to after she bailed on a funeral?"
My bio family really sucks, my sister and I became close to one of our friends (Beth) and her family basically adopted us. They were our rock when our lives sucked with our own parents. They helped put us through college and I do consider them my parents. The problem started earlier this year. Beth's dad passed away and it was a bad time for everyone. Funerals are a huge deal in their family.
If you don't go to the funeral it is considered f-u to the dead and the family. My sister has a fear of the d-ad, she refused to go to the funeral. I tried to get her to go but she still refused. The day came and went and they did not take it well. Beth's mom really didn't take it well, and basically banned her for my her home. Her words were that he gave so much to her and she basically spat in his face by not going.
Basically everyone in the family is pissed at her. She has not been invited to the home and got kicked out when she showed up once. They have a big family reunion in July each year. We both have been going for years but this year she did not get an invite.
She called me up and asked me to not go. I told her that I plan on going even though she is not invited. We got into an argument and she thinks I am huge jerk for going and I pointed out that she knew they would not take it well that she didn't go to the funeral.
The internet was quick to respond.
AgnarCrackenhammer wrote:
NTA. No one likes going to funerals, but given how much Beth's dad did for you and your sister I agree with Beth's family. It was the bare minimum she could've done as a final sign of respect and she bailed. She can now deal with the consequences of her actions.
sanguinepsychologist wrote:
INFO: was there a way to compromise ? Did your sister have an opportunity to come pay her respects after the funeral was over ? Because I have a crippling fear of d-ath and funerals, but I would be the first waiting at the door of the house to comfort and pay my respects to the living afterwards.
OP responded:
She didn’t show up at all, not even a text because people were calling her.
imyourkidnotyourmom wrote:
Info: what does “fear of the d*ad” mean to you?
There’s a huge range between “ick, a body” and vomiting in the corner while having nightmares for a month. Both could be described as a fear of the d*ad.
OP responded:
It’s more ick, she also believes on ghosts which add to it.
yulia_fridman wrote:
NTA. Her fear of funerals or what ever it is shouldnt be more important than the people who took her in and treated her like family. The effort Beth's father put in is way more than the effort she wouldve made by going despite her fears. And you shouldnt let that affect you Its her choice to not go, she needs to deal with it by herself.
Buttercupgrump wrote:
NTA. Your sister knew how important the funeral would be for Beth's family. She also knew the family wanted her there. She chose not to attend, thus damaging her relationship with them. It's unfair to expect you to damage your own relationship with the people you consider family.
Could your sister have stayed in the back and not approached the casket? I don't do well with dead bodies. I broke down when a relative tried to get me to go look at my grandma's body during her funeral. However, I'm fine if I keep some distance.
SolmaRedditUserNow wrote:
NTA. This seems very preventable. e.g. Your sister, prior to the funeral, going to the family and talking to them about this. Your sister messed up and apparently burnt a bridge. That sucks. but she should have been an adult and at the very LEAST came and talked to them. Had they stiffarmed her and didn't bother to listen, well...that would be a different story.
Given the level of compassion they showed for taking the both of you in, I'd given decent enough odds they would have understood, and been able to talk through it. As is stands, she did nothing, and they (correctly) see that she did nothing. She doesn't want to stand alone, but that is nothing to do with you. You're in a tough position, but it would have been insulting had you not.
Confident_Macaron_15 wrote:
NTA - it’s your sister and the family’s job to repair the relationship, not yours. And this isn’t about taking sides - the conflict is between them.
jasperjamboree wrote:
Funerals aren’t ever easy or comfortable, especially if it’s for someone with whom you were close to and served as a family figure. With all the years that this family supported her, her absence feels like she didn’t want to be there to finally reciprocate the support that has been given to her.
Did she expect this family to welcome her back as if nothing happened and she could just carry on the illusion of having a happy family? Instead of just losing one parental figure, she ended up losing her entire chosen family and support system. Those are the consequences of her actions.
The phrase, “Misery loves company” comes to mind with her requests of you declining the invite. She doesn’t just want you to decline, she probably wants you to turn your back on them like they did with her. That’s not your problem, that’s hers since she’s too proud to have a conversation and admit what she did was incredibly hurtful to them. NTA.
C_Majuscula wrote:
NTA. She had to know the consequences and decided to burn those relationships all by herself. No need for you to get sucked into this mess.
I hate open-casket viewings and funerals, but I still haul myself there when needed.