'AITA for going off on my pregnant SIL after repeatedly being disrespected and ignored by her?' UPDATED

"AITAH for going off on my pregnant SIL after repeatedly being disrespected and ignored by her?"

My boyfriend (M30) and I (F25) had just gotten married in May of this year after being together for five years. For context, my now-husband's family has an interesting history and dynamic.

I'd describe them as very multicultural and diverse. My FIL is Black/Arab mixed, and my MIL is White/Persian mixed. As a result, their extended families are spread around the world. My husband has three more siblings, an elder brother and two younger brothers. I am not sure if this is important, but I am Asian.

So, my husband was studying in my home country, which is how we met. He has also lived and worked in my country for the past four years. It's safe to say he's made his permanent home here. Because of the dynamics of his family, I rarely get to meet them because they all live in different countries.

During our five-year relationship, I barely met his parents 2-3 times and never met his older brother and his wife. On the other hand, I see his younger brothers frequently because they are currently studying in my native country, and we are really close.

Fast forward to May of this year, when my now-husband and I chose to get married in my home country. All of his family flew here to attend the wedding, and I met my husband's older brother and his wife for the first time. The first awkward incident with my SIL occurred when I went to the airport with my husband to pick her and my BIL up a few days before our wedding.

When we first met, I extended my hand for a handshake (expecting a full, strong handshake) to my SIL, and she literally just use the tip of her fingers to "touch" my hands, I don't know how to describe it but it's like when you don't really want to touch someone's hand during a handshake 😂

Following that, she walked right past me and hugged my husband. On the other side, my BIL is really welcoming and thrilled to finally meet me, he hugged me and said it's great to finally meet you.

His warmth made me forget about my SIL's rudeness and we moved on. In the days leading up to the wedding, my SIL makes subtle remarks about the wedding criticising every element we choose from the flowers to my wedding dress. For everyone's information, I come from a financially secure family that owns a business.

My parents supported half of the wedding costs while the other half was covered by myself and my husband. My husband is a doctor and I work as an engineer. One thing that frustrates me is how my SIL keeps telling me how fortunate I am to have a wealthy family to mooch off from and I’m sure do throwing a lot of tantrums at my parents given how enormous and luxurious the wedding is.

But it's always so subtle that it wouldn’t start a fight but enough to make me uncomfortable. For background, my BIL and SIL are also both financially well off. My husband's family was similarly financially comfortable to begin with. My BIL is an accountant and my SIL occupies a management position in a company.

She is also a lifestyle influencer with quite a large following on Instagram, and they live in Dubai (you know how expensive the city is). Fast forward to September of this year, my husband and I received an invitation from my BIL AND SIL for a gender reveal party and baby shower in October which occurred a few days ago.

We were ecstatic and decided to book our flights to Dubai immediately after receiving the invitation. For your information, there will be two separate events, a gender reveal party for BIL, SIL and their respective families/acquaintances and a baby shower for my SIL and her female family members and acquaintances the following day.

I was invited to both parties and I was supposed to attend the baby shower without my husband which I believe was a nice opportunity to bond with my SIL. But then, my SIL contacted my husband one day before the gender reveal party and informed him that I was not invited to the baby shower.

The reason is that she does not want me to draw attention away from her during the event. My husband and I were plainly perplexed as to how and why would I be diverting attention away from her. And her reason is that no one knows or has ever met me so they will ask and she does not want to spend time explaining who I am to her guests.

Because my husband and I do not want to cause unnecessary drama, we just agreed that I will only attend the gender reveal party with him. On the day of the gender reveal party, I went with my husband and my SIL did not speak with me at all or even recognise my presence. I tried to make small chat to congratulate her but she just blew me off each time.

My BIL on the other hand is as friendly as ever thankfully. When the party appeared to be coming to a end, I went out to the car to get the gift I had purchased (apparently for the baby shower), but because I would not be attending the baby shower the next day, I decided to give it to her that day. During that time, the guest began to leave and when I handed her the gift, she screamed at me loudly.

The first thing she said was, "Don't you have manners?" I was clearly taken aback and bewildered. She then accused me of attempting to assert dominance by flaunting my wealth and rubbing it in her face as well as looking down at her. For those who are curious about the present I bought, I purchased a baby blanket and sleeping bag from Dior and the present is in the Dior shopping bag.

I felt humiliated after being screamed at and my blood was boiling at the time. I yell back in rage asking her what I did wrong to deserve to be treated so disrespectfully by her. I said that her insecurities were not my responsibility and that if she despised me that much she should not have invited me in the first place.

She appears stunned by my words and begins crying. Both my husband and BIL rush towards us to calm us down. My husband suggested that we leave as well as some guests had already begun to leave. It happened three days ago, and since then everything has been quiet. Nobody said anything, and now I feel horrible for yelling at a pregnant woman.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Anon768 wrote:

Let me tell you something. People will f with you till it stops being fun for them. You made it stop being fun for her. You let her know the gloves are off, and if she swings at you…you will swing right back, no matter where, no matter who’s there. You handled it PERFECTLY.

She knows going forward her disrespect will be met with:

THE SAME and LOUDER.

It’s the only way to make her act civilly. Thats all you can enforce at this point. Do not apologize, instead make it clear there is plenty more where that came from if you are treated to ANY more of her ab-se. If the BIL says anything to you say: ‘You will continue to meet HER energy.’ That’s ALL you say..and repeat it as many times as be necessary to him and any other family that ask.

[deleted] wrote:

NTA. She’s clearly a miserable person and it has nothing to do with you. She will always be like this because it’s who she is. Just avoid and ignore her as much as possible.

Prettysyllabub7288 wrote:

NTA and now you know! She was jealous and envious of you SIGHT UNSEEN! She is absurdly petty and I must commend you for how long it took you to reach your boiling point! I would avoid this toxic amoeba like the plague. You both yelled at each other so she is just as guilty.

Dawnshakhar wrote:

NTA. Pregnancy can mess up with moods occasionally - but what your SIL displayed wasn't hormone moods but continual, deliberate rudeness. You had every right to call her out on it. From now on, stay away from her and tell your husband you will not be visiting with her.

A month later, OP shared an update.

It had been a month since my last post, and now I have the opportunity to provide an update, finally. First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone who commented and supported me in my previous post and I apologise for not being able to respond to each and every one of you. By the way, my husband and I have returned safely to our home.

After a few days of silence following what happened at the gender reveal party, I eventually sat down with my husband to discuss it. We had an honest discussion in which I expressed how mean my SIL has been to me, and my husband ended up apologising for not standing up for me while subconsciously knowing how my SIL has treated me.

As I mentioned in my previous post, my husband comes from a household without a girl sibling and for the past 12 years SIL has been like a sister to him leaving him torn between speaking out against her and sticking up for me.

He said he didn't expect things to go so bad because we live in separate countries and won't see each other much. We resolved our conversation with him promising to have my back if something like this happened again.

In the same week, my husband and I had the opportunity to speak with my BIL through video call (SIL was not present). I know not everyone would agree with my apology, but I did apologise to BIL for causing a scene by yelling at their gender reveal party. To my surprise BIL it was fine and he remarked "she had it coming" 😂.

Following that BIL apologised to me on behalf of SIL as well as for turning a blind eye to what had been going on between me and SIL. We discussed what might be the source of SIL's hatred for me and to my surprise it appears to be tied to the fact that SIL believes I am taking over the position of daughter in law in the family from her.

She has been the only SIL for my husband's brothers and she believes I am taking over the role. As I previously stated, my husband's younger brothers have been studying in my home country since early this year, and we have had many opportunities to spend time together.

According to BIL, SIL believes the brothers have been pulling away from her and become closer to me. For information, the brothers are 22 and 16 years old. Adding to the unpredictable pregnant hormones, she believes I’m buying the brothers' love by spoiling them with materialistic items.

BIL stated that she had mentioned her concern to him several times previously, but he did not expect her to take it seriously and always dismissed it. He apologised again and stated that he will discuss it with SIL after her feelings have been resolved.

According to BIL, SIL has been acting as if nothing has happened, so he is also unsure when it is appropriate to bring the issue to the table. We ended the video chat on a positive note, and I promised BIL that I would speak with the brothers and perhaps encourage them to contact SIL to see how she is doing so she does not feel left out.

And as for SIL, I haven't spoken to her yet and to be honest I'm not sure I ever will. My husband and I have decided to move on from this situation and focus on our own lives. I believe that is all the updates so far and to be honest I could use some suggestions on how to "fix" my relationship with my SIL. Should I reach out to her or something?

The commenters did not hold back.

soogxo wrote:

Honestly, sounds like you’ve done enough. You apologized, talked it out with BIL, and even considered SIL’s feelings. If she wants to fix things, she’ll reach out. Focus on your peace for now. 💁‍♀️

bossbabe03 wrote:

NTA for sure. Your SIL must understand that pregnancy is not an excuse to be rude and unkind to others. Continue advocating for yourself!

SerenityLunaMay wrote:

Why would you want to fix the relationship? You did nothing wrong. Your SIL is the one who needs to be apologizing. Honestly, her attachment to the younger siblings is weird to me. She should be encouraging them to have a relationship with you because you and your husband are there and can be there for them if they ever need help.

I feel like her saying she was jealous of the younger brothers is really just her trying to get out of taking accountability, which you are helping her with. Why Why Why would you be apologizing?? It just doesn't make sense to me.

She ruined her own party, she has been the one being cruel for a long time, she has been the one that has the issues. Of course she isn't going to change or apologize when all of you keep taking the accountability away from her and blaming yourself.