'AITA for going off on my sister's foster mom? She celebrated the fact that she's now an orphan.' UPDATED

"AITA for going off on my sister's (9mo) foster mom after she celebrated the fact that she's now an orphan (14F)?"

For context, I raised most of my 6 siblings, and we all got put into foster care in Oct. Back at the very start of Nov, my youngest two siblings were placed with them. The visits were every other week at the start, and at the first one I showed up having not seen them in two weeks. When they arrived the youngest of the two (9 months now), was asleep in her car seat.

She insisted that I shouldn't wake her, despite only having an hour. I woke her up to interact and the three of us just read books together on the chair, just general interaction; no fussing or anything happening but she was glaring at me the whole time. A few days later, on an unmandated visit the 9mo shows up asleep again. I wake her up, all 7 of us hang out, and then I give her back.

Two hours after returning home she messages the foster family I was with at the time and makes them talk to me about not waking up the baby. I told them she could go to hell. That night I texted her about how she would never be my sisters' mother. I deleted it and apologized the morning after, but it was pretty nasty and 6 paragraphs.

Fast forward a little bit and my mother ends up committing su!-!de. Because of this, we were granted weekly visits instead. Days after, we had a visit and this woman was ecstatic. My siblings and I were there, the older few of us just dumbfounded by all that's happened and there she was smiling.

This time she came with the baby in a carrier, so I couldn't really just take her out. After 10 minutes I went up and asked to hold her. She replied that I couldn't right now, despite that fact that the baby was awake. I asked her at 4 times before the visit ended.

I managed to not lose it, but on the next visit she shows up gushing to all the other foster parents about how she and her husband are so lucky to get orphans on only her third placement. I didn’t say anything but that ticked me off. I had just switched my own placements and my foster moms didn't know about the previous incident.

During yesterday’s visit she kept talking the same way, saying things like "It's sad she passed and all, but you know, I've always wanted to have kids" and "Its so nice to adopt babies, you know? That way they're not all messed up and disobedient later on. Especially when you won't have to deal with their bio parents." I don't know if its just me, but that in combination with everything leading up to it just set it OFF.

At the end of the visit when it was just my 9 year old brother, me, my foster moms, my brother's foster mom, and her, (her husband took the kids to the car while she was hanging back to talk a minute longer with the other moms) I did not hold back, screaming for a good five minutes about: She isn't a saint, to never mention my parents like that, she will never be a real mom to my siblings and just generally f you.

She looked genuinely upset and today my therapist suggested that I might have blown it out of proportion because of pent-up anger from other things.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

Clean_factor9673 wrote:

You need to talk to your worker about how inappropriate this woman is starting from not wanting you to wake your sibling, wouldn't let you hold sibling, rejoiced that she's caring for orphans, snapped about disobedient children. Everything. She's not an appropriate placement as she's made it clear she wants your siblings and won't want to allow you to see them. I'm so sorry about this.

Hyperfixmum wrote:

NTA

I was a foster youth and am now a licensed foster parent.

You did not blow it out of proportion.

That is a complete normal and expected response from a child who was a primary caregiver and raised her siblings, who is dealing with the trauma of the loss of their parent, separation from siblings and just total life chaos. Who cares about this foster mom's emotions. She is purposefully having the baby in a carrier to avoid family bonding.

She is celebrating trauma and the biggest heartbreak. And your younger baby siblings will have unseen trauma. Your baby siblings know the sound of YOUR voice, your smell and they knew your heartbeat when they laid on you...I'm so angry for you. You should write up a statement at school, detail the sequence of events and try to stay factual.

You should email this to your Case Manager and CC your siblings' Case Manager if they're different, CC GALs. In the statement, detail that you're concerned that your siblings' foster parents slipped through the training and licensing where reunification is the goal with ANY bio family member and you were horrified that she was openly excited after your mothers passing, as she's hopeful for adoption.

Detail what she has said and done. Say you want this documented in the case file and you want to be present to speak to the judge at any hearings regarding terminating parental rights.

Ask if you have a GAL. You need to become bff with your GAL and the goal should be to have your younger siblings moved to a new foster placement. The goal is to have foster parents or adoptive parents of every sibling on the same page about keeping your ties and visitation as much as possible.

Tell your new placement the steps you are taking and that you are VERY concerned this foster mom will not keep familial ties and sibling visitations if they adopted, also say that it's a concern how she is not "trauma informed". If you can get your foster placement to realize this she may also speak up and verify what's been said. Feel free to DM if you want to escalate it further and need directions on how.

I want to say, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you lost your mom this way and you have had to become the strong one in the family to try and protect everyone. I'm sorry you just can't be a teenager. I want you to know the anger won't always be there but you have a right to that anger. Please visit r/momforaminute if you need an encouraging word.

OP responded:

I'm currently forming an email cc'ing everyone who's connected to the case :)

Thank you for the outline!

every1remaincalm wrote:

NTA. You are a child in mourning and this woman is a predatory ghoul. I can't imagine saying things like that out loud at all, let alone in front of you... That's actually evil and crazy. I would talk to whoever oversees you and your sibling's foster placements...a social worker?

CPS agent? I'm sorry I'm not very familiar with the process. I think it's very likely that this person will alienate your little siblings from their remaining blood family, including you, if she's permitted to adopt them.

The goal of foster parenting should always be family reunification, and it's pretty obvious that this harpy was just playing baby-roulette until she could score ones available to adopt for herself... Pretty sick stuff. I'm very sorry for your loss, OP.

After receiving support, OP jumped on with a short clarification/update.

Alright just to clarify, I hate my mom too. Like, she was horrible, I just don't like this woman saying that so weirdly. I mean, I love the idea of my mom, just not her herself. (a bit complicated but not the point)

I just called my caseworker and explained what happened, and her response was:

a.) I'll come by tomorrow to talk

b.) I'm sorry you're feeling this way

c.) Please stop calling me in the middle of the night (not the first time this has happened)

The internet continued to offer their thoughts and support.

Serious_Sky_9647 wrote:

You can feel whatever you feel about your mom. Your feelings about her are allowed to be complicated- loving, angry, grieving, whatever- and your sister’s foster mom STILL shouldn’t say cruel things about her.

Ok-Piglet9643 wrote:

I am very sorry for your loss. If you are in foster care, there is a six-month review of your case and a twelve-month permanency plan hearing. Ask to go to court to address the judge about this. Make a list of everything that foster-to-parent wannabe women has done.

Hopefully, you all still have the same case worker. Sometimes the file gets transferred if the permanency plans are different. If the file, usually under the mother's name, is together but was transferred to Adoption, things may be difficult. Foster parents sign a contract to be placements for reunification.

Many go into it for the wrong reasons. In this area of the county we have adoption firms that recruit people to foster in hopes that things don't work out. That sounds like the plan with the baby's sleep schedule. Then they will report that the infant has no bond with family but is bonded to the foster parents.

At fourteen, you can refuse to be adopted and at sixteen your plan can be APPLA, but those babies are highly adoptable. Unfortunately, many states including mine, have statutes that give preference to foster parents if the family does not file a petition with the court for custody within a certain period of time starting with the date of entering foster care.

My state is four months. You seem very mature and want to be proactive. If you know of any family members, you could start to call to see if they would file. They may not have been listed by your late mother and don't know you are in care.