'AITA for going on vacation without my step daughter?' UPDATED
"AITA for going on vacation without my step daughter?"
I (F28) and my husband (M29) got married last year, we were not able to go on a honeymoon as he had just started a new job that required him to be away from home. We have never been on a vacation together, we’ve gone to one state for like a week but it was for work.
So, we decided at the beginning of summer that we were going on vacation for our one year wedding anniversary. We’re set on Disney world. When we asked my step daughter’s (F12) mom if we could take her with us, she told us “no. If I don’t get to take her on extravagant vacations, neither do you”.
So we continued to plan our vacation and just not include my step daughter. Now bio mom is messaging us, telling us we’re AHs for still going, knowing its step daughter's dream to go. Here’s the thing about it, this is MY dream to go.
I was supposed to go as a kid with my grandparents and my papa got sick with cancer so we didn’t get to go, and we’re stopping in Tennessee to spread my dad ashes. I feel on one hand, since I’m the one paying for the vacation - I don’t need to feel guilty for going on this vacation.
But on the other hand - I feel like a complete AH because my step daughter was excited to go with us and now her mom won’t let her come, so I feel like maybe we should cancel it. Idk. Would I be the AH to go to Disney with out my step daughter?
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
We are from northern Michigan. My husband was 16 when this child was born, bio mom was 19. When they did all of the legal proceedings, obviously a 16 year old could not afford an attorney and she could so he just signed the papers to be done with it even though they were still together.
He joined the army as soon as he turned 18, went over seas, came home, and she was pregnant by someone else, so he left. The court order is every other weekend, and the Wednesday following mother’s weekend - we have petitioned for him to get more custodial rights, but that takes time and we cannot get into the courts until July of 2026.
I don’t communicate with the bio mom at all, it is not my place - that’s dad place, so I stay out of it. Also step daughter found out about the vacation because she got onto my computer while I was at work and I didn’t think to close out the tab.
This trip was planned on our off week from her but her mom switched weekend and never switched us back. I think that’s all of the questions. I will try to answer more as they come up. Now let’s get into the update.
My husband came in off the road this morning, so we all got to have breakfast together. We sat down with my step daughter and she read the messages between her father and mother - where her mom said no. We explained to her that this was going to be more of an adult trip and that maybe next year we can go over the summer when we have a bit more time with her.
She was obviously upset. My husband then allowed her to call her mom and ask herself, her mom went off. Talking about “that witch is trying to take my place” and “she will never be your mom. If you’re going to Disney then dad and I are taking you and that witch can stay home” etc.
She started crying and saying “this is why I don’t want to come back to your house” and “all you do is yell at me for wanting more time with dad” to her mom. So we hung up on her mom. We compromised with my step daughter.
We drove down to cedar point for the day, and did the Halloween night there, got a hotel, and we’re going back home tomorrow. She hugged me and told me she loved me for inviting her and she thanked me for “thank you for being the mom I don’t have”.
As for a family trip to Disney - well we emailed our lawyer and told him we want vacation time to be added into the court agreement - and my amazing bonus kiddo told her dad and I to have the best time, and also asked us to bring her back some treats.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. I'll be honest--I think if mom had been ok with her going and you chose not to take her, you'd be at least a little stinky. But that's not what happened. Mom tried to use her daughter to keep YOU from going on this vacation. This is on her.
Yeah....mom FAFO'd herself here. I would tell the daughter that you asked for her to come with, but mom said no. Truth is not manipulation.
Why would she not allow you to take her daughter then criticise you for going anyway?!? That’s down to her NOT you. NTA.
NTA. You invited your step daughter, which was actually "extra" nice, considering this is your first real trip as a married couple. The problem here is the child's mother. She is choosing to punish her kid, by not letting her go, just because SHE can't afford to give her something similar.
That is pretty poor parenting, by itself. She is also trying to use her daughter to try to cause problems in YOUR life. I feel really bad for your stepdaughter, but not because of anything YOU did.
NTA. You invited the child to go mom said no. It was mom’s decision not yours. You continue to enjoy yourself. You can tell your step daughter the truth your mom said no. Blame her not us. We will bring you something. You can’t control mom’s actions.
Go See a lawyer, most separation agreement or child custody have provisions about taking kids on a trip. If she won’t let her go and courts are nuts, you still go and make a little video on your phone about why she is not going so if it comes up later in life you have all the proof and she can see your age and metadata.
NTA… but she can’t dictate a father’s visitation. He doesn’t need permission to take his daughter on vacation. I’m going to assume there’s no parenting plan or custody arrangements in place since you let it go so easily.. I suggest he gets one and stops allowing her mother to dictate what he does and what memories he can and can’t make with his daughter.