'AITA for hanging up on my GF after discovering her mom was spying on our convos?' UPDATED 2X

Having your privacy violated is an awful feeling, it's enough to shatter a whole relationship.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a teen asked if he was wrong for hanging up on his GF after he found out her mom was listening in. he wrote:

"AITA for hanging up on my girlfriend after discovering her mom was spying during our personal conversations?"

I (18M) have been dating my girlfriend (17F) for about 7 months. Tonight her and I had a deep conversation about some relationship hiccups, and I shared personal family struggles I typically only discuss with my therapist. As we finally got to a place we felt comfortable leaving things, I heard whispering in the background.

When I asked my girlfriend about it, she adamantly denied anyone else being there. However, as I continued asking, she started crying. Just then, her mom pretended to come in the room and scold her for being up to try to cover up the fact she’d been sitting there for an hour. Turns out, her mom has been sneakily listening in on almost every serious conversation or argument we've ever had.

I felt absolutely betrayed and hung up immediately. Since then, both my girlfriend and her mom have been apologizing and trying to shift blame onto me. This violation of privacy has left me feeling super violated and unsure about how to handle the situation. I do feel bad for hanging up so abruptly but I just didn’t know how to process what was going on.

AITA for hanging up on my girlfriend after after discovering her mom was spying during our personal conversations? Any guidance on navigating this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Not long after posting, OP shared an edit/update.

EDIT: I woke up an hour ago and watched all the comments come in while eating a whole a*s margarita pizza. Thank you all for your advice and opinions. To provide more context: Throughout our relationship, my girlfriend has often joked about how her mom can get any information from her. However, I've witnessed firsthand how true this is lately.

I've also noticed that my girlfriend doesn't respect privacy, claiming she needs a confidant because my situations are too much for her mentally, but then her mom knows everything I share in confidence. I also have tried not talking to her but she pushes every time. Because of this, I've become extremely cautious about sharing personal details.

They're both very religious, and while I share the same beliefs, it's been a contentious issue in our relationship. Her mom has used religion to justify intruding on my personal life, citing the need to guide me if I'm "sinning." My own family life has been challenging (I had to move out at 18 to escape).

I talked to my own mother about all of this and her response was to say that it was not the worst thing and I was over reacting which is why I felt like posting. Her mom as expressed that she sees me as part of her family, which has led to her trying to control various aspects of my life, like dictating when I can drink coffee or imposing a bedtime.

She's also shared my private struggles with her pastor and best friend, who've tried to intervene and "fix" me. I deeply care for my partner, but I can't envision a future where her mother's involvement is so intense in our lives. I plan to talk to her about this tonight and will update you all afterward.

Commenters had a lot to say about the situation.

Timothybcat wrote:

NTA. You have every right to feel betrayed. If I found out my significant other had a parent eavesdropping during personal, sensitive conversations, I'd be devastated. Sounds like your girlfriend might be under her mom's control and not be allowed to live her own life.

I sympathize with her, but you shouldn't be expected to pay the price for that sick dynamic. You didn't sign up for secret non-consensual polyamory with her and her mom.

[deleted] wrote:

I am sorry this happened to you. One of the foundations of a relationship is trust. As hard as it would be this would be a deal breaker. Don’t subject yourself to more of this because it’s clear that’s not how your gf/her mum operate. It’s time to move on and that’s really hard. I know. Take care.

OP responded:

Thank you, it’s tough because there is so much good but this was just so violating. I keep thinking what happens if a few months from now we have to have a really serious conversation and her mom wants to be a part of it?

TracklessTinder wrote:

NTA. It is unclear to me how complicit your girlfriend was in this breach of your privacy. She may have been all right with her mother listening in, or tt may be that her mother is overbearing, and she did not really have a choice in the matter, but even if that is the case, she should have said to you privately:

"Don't talk about private stuff over the phone because my mom insists on listening, and there is nothing I can do about it."

Either way, this should be considered a warning for you if you decide to continue in the relationship.

Charming_Sandwich53 wrote:

99.9% of the time, I think that anyone who hangs up on someone is wrong, and it is a pet peeve that I am usually willing to die on. You were not wrong. Your girlfriend and her mother are definitely wrong, and I think that it's very strange that Mom would spend any time eavesdropping on your relationship. This says a lot about your girlfriend's immaturity. NTA!!!!!

In a comment, OP clarified how his GF's mom overheard things:

She sat in the room and my girlfriend had the phone on speaker. I thought nothing of it because she has always just put me on speaker in her room. Now I see why.

PDK113 wrote:

NTA. You have escaped an abusive relationship with your own family. Your GF's mom is being ab*sive to you and your GF is allowing it. Your GF is betraying your trust and allowing her mom to hear your confidential information, then her mom is trying to use that information to control you.

They are also blaming you now. I suggest to discuss this with your therapist before talking to your GF. I would also look up terms such as gaslighting, enmeshment, and DARVO. Do not ignore all of the red flags. It is easier to get out of this relationship now, than later.

OP responded:

I think this is a great idea, thank you. I just bumped our appointment up now.

Nine hours later, OP shared an update.

She just called me at work. She started the conversation by saying she thinks we should probably break up because she can’t do it anymore. I’ll be honest, I snorted. She asked why, and I responded by asking her if it was because she was scared to talk to me face to face or if it was because she just didn’t want to deal with the fact she screwed up and hurt me. She said it was because I say everything is her fault.

For context, I know I have a lot of problems because of a really hard home life and upbringing, and I acknowledge when I make mistakes. Last night was mostly me having to apologize and explain myself over and over. But this time, I flat out told her this was 1000% her and her mom’s fault. I then had to go because I’m at work and people needed help.

I then got the texts saying things like, “I guess this is all my fault” and “I deserve to sit in my consequences apparently.”

She wants me to come to her house after work to sort things out. I think I am gonna see if we can meet ALONE in a public place to ensure privacy. I’ll update after that.

People were deeply invested.

CrabbiestASP wrote:

NTA. Run, dude run.

Either your girlfriend is complicit with her mum listening in, or she didn't care about it enough to tell you in person not to talk about private things on the phone. This is a huge betrayal of your trust.

Jongx wrote:

Yeah, get out of that relationship. There will be other partners for you in the future. I felt very in love 16-18 and thought it was the one and only relationship for me, but you get over it, live, grow, and find someone who is better for you.

Shadowlight2020 wrote:

I see three situations: the girlfriend is in on it with her mother and is being sneaky about it; the girlfriend doesn't understand boundaries and sees this as normal; the girlfriend's mother is controlling and has the girlfriend completely under her thumb. Regardless, none of it is good.

Medical_Gate_5721 wrote:

NTA. She betrayed your trust.the way to navigate this scenario is to leave her. I recommend a phone call.

"Hi Jane (and Joyce). I can't be with someone who exposes my private life to others. I did not sign up to date your mother. As sad as it makes me, I am breaking up with you because your mother invaded my privacy and you did nothing to warn me so I could protect myself. I wish you the best." Click.

[deleted] wrote:

Hi OP, how did it go after you met up with her (if you met up with her)? Did she ever actually apologise for her behaviour or was there just more deflecting?

And OP responded with a final update:

We ended up breaking up a bit after. She apologized in the end but trust was gone.

Sounds like he's dodging some major drama down the road by leaving that relationship.