'AITA for having second thoughts about marrying my fiancé after a drunk comment?' UPDATED

"AITA for having second thoughts about marrying my fiancé after a dr-nk comment?"

Not sure why I’m even here. Guess I’m still trying to process what my (27M) fiancé d-unkenly admitted to me (30F) last night. For context: my fiancé, who I’ll refer to as “Alex,” and I have been together for a just under 2 years and got engaged in Dec.

Everything has been a blast since the day we met, and we keep surprising each other with just how awesome of a couple we can be. Last night, we had a special date night for New Years planned where we dressed up like bowlers from the 1970s and bowled our asses off for a few frames until we finally decided on a winner.

During the five games, we ended up drinking two of those beer towers (about seven beers each altogether). He’s not a big drinker, so he was a little more than tipsy when we decided to call it a night and head home. We live really close by, so we walked to and from the bowling alley since we figured we were going to be drinking.

On that 15-minute walk home, he was doing the usual mushy “I love you” and other cute little things he tells me while giggling. Things took a bit of a turn when he started talking about how much he enjoys our s-x. He’s always told me that we have amazing s-x and that he can’t get enough, but in his dr-nken state, he told me something different. “You’re the third best that I’ve ever had.”

I stopped walking for a second and just stared at him in disbelief. Alex just looks at me, giggles again, and kisses me. Thinking he was just saying that on purpose to agitate me a bit like he does, but not really mean it, I laugh it off, and we keep walking. Once we get home and sit on our front porch, he brings it back up. “I really do mean it though, babe. You’re amazing, but I have had better before you.”

I was as confused as I was mad, embarrassed, and offended all at the same time. I asked him what the hell he was saying to me and if he was being serious. He started crying and told me that he had a one-night stand before he met me with some woman that was “like a s-x goddess”. He also mentioned a past fling with a guy when they were both teenagers and experimenting with dr-gs.

Both of these confessions took me completely off guard because he never in our time together mentioned anything about being bicurious or anything like that, let alone promiscuous s-x.

My commitment to Alex is starting to change now though, and I've haven’t been able to look at him all day and avoided him. I’m having second thoughts about following through with a marriage if he’ll always think of me as a "third place prize."

Even if I did think there was something about Alex that wasn’t as good as a past relationship, I wouldn’t openly tell him that I thought he wasn't as hot, handsome, has a small d-ck, etc. That just seems kind of mean and feels a little malicious or petty. AITA for reconsidering the engagement?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

hamsterfamily wrote:

You are NTA. I can definitely understand hesitating given his comments, and wonder whether he would really be faithful down the road. It might be worth trying marriage counseling or at least a lot of serious conversations about this.

Part of what is disturbing is that he obviously holds low expectations for s-x with you. A mature man would discuss what he wants in s-x while sober. Treasuring you as a person and knowing that he can have the best s-x with you if you two just communicate about desires and such.

Fabulous_Rock_1710 wrote:

NTA. Your fiancé dropped an emotional grenade, and it’s fair for you to reevaluate things. Being drunk doesn’t erase the fact that he meant what he said, it just removed his filter. Marriage is a lifelong partnership, and feeling like you’re “third best” isn’t exactly the foundation for a healthy relationship. What happens the next time he gets drunk and shares something equally hurtful?

The comment wasn’t just about s-x; it’s about respect and the way he views you in the relationship. You’re not wrong to step back and ask if this is the dynamic you want for the rest of your life. If it’s eating at you, have a sober conversation with him about how this affected you. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

flame0nahh wrote:

NTA....I mean he clearly thought A LOT about this to make this list...GO INTO EVEN MORE detail about the women? And to knowingly hurt your partner...to what end exactly? Like that screams I don't like you anymore doesn't it? Laughing like a sociopath while doubling down...who would want to marry this person.

ashleyj710 wrote:

NTA!!! I’m astonished at ppl telling you you’re over reacting or being too sensitive about his past. Because that’s not really the issue here it’s the fact that he said that to you and then laughed it off and then doubled down is extremely disrespectful.

That’s intentionally putting you down and making you insecure and like you said you would never do something like that to him so that speaks volumes on the different ways that your love is gonna unfold once you’re married. I straight up would have said “why did you think it was necessary to say that?”

Which is kind of sad that you would have to probe him to apologize in the first place. I read some of the other comments and I don’t agree. You are not immature for reconsidering your relationship after that that was a blatant move of disrespect, and then he giggled in your face about it and this is when you guys are on good terms and presumably still in your honeymoon phase.

Imagine what he’s gonna be like five years from now if he doesn’t consider your feelings now. This is going to be one of those things you look back at and think “there were some small signs I ignored." Don’t settle! The person you should be with should treat you with the same respect and consideration that you treat them with.

The next day, OP shared an update.

So, Alex tried to apologize. The morning after we went out he pretended everything was okay and was as sweet with me as usual, but I was short with him and ignored his texts all day leaving for work.

When we both got home in the evening I still couldn't even look at him and so he asked me what was wrong and I told him. Apparently he hardly remembers a thing after we finished bowling - he recalls walking home and saying some things he felt embarrassed about and then sitting outside and cuddling with me on the porch.

I told him exactly what I remember him saying and he looked mortified. He apologized profusely and told me I'm the only person he's slept with and ever cared this much about, but I told him he'd humiliated me and made me feel like I was the problem and needed some time apart, so he volunteered to go stay with his brother to give me some space.

He's since spent the rest of the evening and today trying to make it right, leaving voicemails and texting that he really didn’t mean to hurt me and that he was drunk and stupid.

He kept reiterating that I'm the best thing that's happened to him and the s-x he had before was meaningless and that "you're my #1 as far as anyone I've slept with that matters". It just made me madder. Like he's now lying to save face and trying to manipulate me into feeling like I'm overreacting after making me feel like a lesser partner in bed.

I finally told him to stop and told him I didn't believe a word he said anymore and that even if he's being sincere, nothing he says will undo the fact that deep down he'll always think of me as a consolation prize to some "s-x goddess" and his male buddy. I'm honestly also second guessing if he even likes women and am not ready to deal with being with someone who's questioning their s-xuality.

He started crying (again) and said he just wanted to open up to me since we've never had the conversation about previous partners and in his dr-nk state he thought we were at that point where we could have honest conversations about what we like in bed, but regrets the timing and letting it slip while drunk.

He said he'd move out and leave me alone but hopes I won't share what he told me with family and mutual friends, which I agreed to.

I don’t feel bad about ending things. He clearly didn’t think before speaking, and now he’s just trying to patch it up and minimize it as "mistake" and "attempt at an honest conversation" when I know he's just trying to lower my self esteem and make me feel like I need to to turn into a "s-x goddess" in bed or be more like a man.

I've realized my self worth and I'm no one's bronze medal. I appreciate all of the comments and kind words on the last post helping me realize this ❤️

The internet had a lot to say in response.

itsshakespeare wrote:

I cannot believe this guy tried to twist this into his being honest and opening up to her - this reads like these weird posts where men say that you should never open up to a woman because she’ll pull away if she thinks you’re vulnerable. Also interesting that initially he had no recollection of what he’d said and then changed to his wanting to be open and honest.

0crazycat_0 wrote:

Maybe unpopular opinion but I'm not bothered by the fact that OP might be se-ually not #1. I mean nowadays the probability is not low that there's someone better than you... It's rather WHAT op's fiancé sees as his #1 and #2. There's this one-night stand with a stranger. How old was he? How experienced?

That woman might seem to him like s-x goddess bc he simply didn't have comparison, or bc it was a one-night stand which added some spice to the situation. Same goes for the bi-curious thing with his buddy.

It might be bigger in his mind as memory than it was back then bc. it was new and exciting. OP's fiancé is a fool for not seeing that both "encounters" have nothing to do with real life and cannot or should not be compared to real life relationships. But again, how old is he, 27???

ToughGodzilla wrote:

I know that online you're getting cheers for a break up. But I really think that if this was the one bad thing that happened you are being stupid to throw this relationship away. Most people had some amazing s-x before they met their partners. So he had a one night stand he loved and screwed around with some friends. And he worded it badly when dr-nk. Big deal.

Far_Information_9613 wrote:

NAH. I personally think you are overreacting but you can’t change how you feel.