'AITA for having a snack with my brother and SIL after she had made a remark about my wife?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for having a snack with my brother and SIL after she had made a thoughtless remark about my wife?"

My wife, our 1-year-old son, and I were at my older brother's home yesterday for dinner. I used to visit them often before I was married, but even now we try to visit each other once a month and are generally on cordial terms. During dinner my SIL made a remark about my wife's bag that I had bought for our anniversary. My wife seemed happy about that and everything was going well.

My SIL then compared it to my wallet, which is pretty old and worn (but I like it because my dad gave it to me 11 years ago when I left for college), and told my wife she should make me shop for myself too. I said I liked my wallet (I've heard comments about it and I just laugh it off). She then said something that basically translates to "One person earns and another person spends."

I felt uncomfortable about it but my wife looked totally pissed off. I tried to change the topic but my wife said she takes care of our son, maintains our house while I work, decorated our house from scratch (all true, and I routinely thank her for it).

My SIL said it was a joke, but within a few minutes my wife just said she wasn't feeling well and we went back. During the drive back and when we came back home, she made it very clear that she won't be keeping any contact with her until she gets a clear apology. Today, my brother called and suggested we grab a bite to eat. I said sure. The way he said it, it really seemed like it was just the two of us.

My wife also had no issues with that. I thought my brother was going to discuss a way for us to meet or something so my SIL and my wife could patch things up. When I went there my SIL was there too. While we were eating they gave me her POV, that it was a light-hearted comment and my wife was blowing it out of proportion. I defended my wife too, and said she definitely feels it was out of line.

When I came back home and my wife learned she was there too, she got really upset. She said if my SIL wasn't prepared to render an apology then I should've left, and that I betrayed her by having food with them. I don't see it that way, I was really trying to fix everything in good faith. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

GenoFlower wrote:

It was wholly unfair that they brought you there, unsuspecting, to talk about your wife, without your wife there to defend herself. The comments your SIL made weren't funny or lighthearted. At all. They were a dig at your wife, who she seemingly sees as just after your money. Your brother and his wife are your people. It is your job to fix this.

I'm not sure that walking out immediately is the solution, but sitting down to a friendly meal that your wife isn't invited to isn't either. They don't see what she said was wrong. My guess is it goes deeper than this one comment, and I'd bet your brother agrees with his wife. A gentle YTA for now, but I hope you defended your wife vigorously. If you didn't, it's not so gentle. Your finances are none of their business.

__sadpotato__ wrote:

What exactly is the joke? “Haha you don’t care enough about your husband to make sure he’s taken care of too?" Was that the joke? Doesn’t seem very funny to me. Is it really that hard for you SIL to say “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or insult you?" If she refuses to apologize then I guess it wasn’t really a joke was it.

antizana wrote:

YTA. I know that you just want to brush it off because it’s easier to you, but your SIL was deliberately mean-spirited (implying your wife is a leech or a gold digger) and trying to laugh it off as “just a joke, why are you so sensitive” plus inviting you out without your wife to talk about your wife is really not okay.

\You say you defended your wife, did you also demand an apology? Did you ask why they wanted to meet with you instead of your wife? Even the non-apology of “just a light hearted comment” should have been directed to your wife directly not via you.

Yes, this will impact your relationship with your brother going forward, but just pretending it didn’t happen isn’t an option, and hopefully you made it clear to SIL that it is on her to fix this, not on your wife to forgive and forget (without even an apology!).

starry_nite99 wrote:

ESH, except your wife. Snide comments like your SIL made are always later played off as “just joking” once the intended person (your wife) dares to get upset and actually stands up for themselves. Your SIL is petty and jealous. I guarantee your brother doesn’t give her gifts like your wife got, hence the snarky comment.

Instead of YOU sticking up for your wife, she stuck up for herself.. without you backing her up. Then SIL took the cowardly way out by having your brother invite you to lunch, her show up and try to sweep it all under the rug… which is seems like you are gladly wanting to do. You, SIL, and brother have handled this all wrong. You especially. SIL should absolutely apologize to your wife.

Due_help_1639 wrote:

Wow, your brother's wife sounds like a real manipulative trouble maker. And your brother is enabling her bad behavior. They fully knew he was inviting just you under the pretense it was going to be you and him, then used that as an opportunity to ambush you and argue your sister-in-law's pov.

Making the crappy comments is one thing, then she tried to come between you and your wife. She knew what she was doing. I’m with your wife on this one. Your SIL sounds pretty toxic.

kaijuumafoo1 wrote:

YTA it doesn't matter if you didn't think SIL would be there because it sounds like your brother didn't call out his wife for being rude either so you shouldn't have been having lunch with him until he made it clear he wasn't cool with what SIL said.

Also your wife shouldn't have had to defend herself, you should have said "Hey she works hard to take care of me and our child, I am eternally grateful for that and happy to splurge on her" instead of just uncomfortably sidestepping it. If you actually appreciate how hard your wife works then stand up for her when she's being accused of being a gold digger because that's exactly what SIL meant.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

I realized that I didn't advocate for my wife to the extent that I should have. I told my brother we wouldn't be able to have these family meetups until this was resolved. Yesterday, my SIL had sent me one of those funny relatable memes. While it did get a laugh out of me, I told my SIL that we (my wife and I) can't have any communication with her until she apologizes to my wife.

She asked me if my wife was still upset over it, I said yes, and that it was understandable because what she had said was distasteful. I also said I was very surprised at how unreasonable she was being, that apologizing won't make anyone think less of her, that I've already told her now how she can fix this, that the ball is in her court, and ended our chat.

Today my SIL told me she had apologized to my wife. I thanked her for it. When I got home, I asked my wife about it. She said she had apologized. I thought that was that, but my wife said she still won't be meeting her anymore, that her apology wasn't sincere, that the bell couldn't be unrung. I was frustrated because the apology for the stupid joke had finally come through, and this issue was still not over.

I asked my wife what she wants, she said she won't be meeting them until she feels comfortable. But we were meeting them before this happened, so the only issue was what happened that day, for which we've received an apology. But she was adamant that she was done with them. I will have to navigate through this issue, and what this means for my relationship with my brother and SIL.

The internet kept their thoughts coming.

Agirlsknowsthings wrote:

Do you not like your wife?! You said you should have advocated for her more but now you want her to go back to hanging around someone who made a degrading remark about her?! It wasn’t a thought less remark. Your SIL has probably thought that for a long time to be brave enough to say it to your wife.

Homemakers always get degraded because they have no income but you save on childcare, house cleaning, laundry service and eating out if she cooks dinners. He contributes probably save as much as her salary would make.

OP responded:

No, if she actually thinks my SIL is generally hostile to her, we'll both stop seeing her. It's just that this whole thing started over the remark, my wife said it's an apology that she wants, I worked towards getting her that apology, and now I'm being told there's just a general dislike which was never brought up.

The lack of communication is what's frustrating. Like we normally see them only once or twice a month now so its fine but if there was a problem in general I could've been on her side better earlier.

WholeInternal7733 wrote:

Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't, either. Your SIL revealed her true feelings about your wife and also revealed herself to be a catty bully. I wouldn't want to hang out with her again, either, even after a fake forced apology. The fact that you're still pushing your wife to hang out with her even when she's hurt and uncomfortable is nasty.

OP responded:

I'm not going to push her to hang out. If she's uncomfortable, that's that.

[deleted] wrote:

It was a distasteful comment that your SIL has since apologized for. Unless she has a history of making these comments, your wife is being ridiculous.

OP responded:

She doesn't, it was a one-off remark. I can understand why my wife was upset when she said it though.

Anoonoobomb wrote:

Well she’s since made numerous one-off remarks minimizing your wife. So she now has a habit of this and from what your wife told you she’s been mean to her. You may have used your selective hearing though when she said it because you seem to really care about your SIL. More than your wife.

OP responded:

You have insinuated multiple times that I care more for my SIL than I do for my wife. Nothing could be further from the truth. My wife is the love of my life. She never told me that she perceived a general hostility from my SIL. If she had I would've either fixed it or followed my wife's lead in avoiding my SIL altogether.

But this started after my SIL's recent remark. And until I got the apology, she said she just wanted an apology, which I worked to get her because I wanted her to feel better. I will admit that I would prefer if there were a way for us to get over this because my parents and my older sister don't have a great relationship with my brother and SIL so I don't want them to lose me and my wife as family too.

Also, my brother and I live much closer to each other than the rest of our family so for smaller family holidays (not Christmas or Thanksgiving) we've been doing it together. I'm sorry if I sound pointed but your insinuation is rife with assumptions and quite hurtful.