'AITA for 'hiding' my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute?' UPDATED

"AITA for 'hiding' my child's savings account from my ex and not letting him contribute?"

My ex and I divorced 8 years ago. We have a 12-year-old son together. We don't discuss finances other than child support. I don't care for any money he may or may not give to our child directly.

Years ago I opened a savings account for my kid. I religiously transfer a set amount + child benefit into it every single month. I also put some "loose change" in there whenever I can. My kid knows of this account and gets to decide if any monetary gifts from family and friends are to be spent immediately or added to his growing savings.

He doesn't keep tabs on the account, but has a rough idea of how much he "gets" every month and how much he's got already. My son must've told my ex about the account, because my ex approached me about it. He asked to see the account- I refused. He asked to at least know the exact amount (he has a rough idea)- I refused, I don't see the point.

He asked to contribute and become a "co-owner" (as in- the account is to be "from mum and dad")- I asked if he'd like to make a big initial payment- he doesn't, as he doesn't have "that kind of money to just throw into an account nobody can access for years" he just wants to join in now and throw in some cash here and there, but the amount that's already in there is to be overlooked.

I refused. He told me that I can only afford that thanks to his child support contributions- I told him that the child support is his duty and is spent on our son's current needs, not for him to hold it over my head.

He called me a jerk for not telling him about the account when I first opened it because now he's "8 years behind" and won't be able to match it and it will look bad when my kid grows up and only gets my support. I told him that it's up to him whether or not he invests in our child's future, he still has a long time to save something if he so wishes.

He told me I was a jerk for purposefully making him look like a "bad dad" for not having thought of something like this. I don't think it's fair of him to ask to jump in and claim to have contributed to the savings I've worked hard on for years, but now I wonder if I actually acted like an AH for creating a situation in which I look like the "better" & "more caring" parent?

Should I have told him about it when I first opened the account? Should I just let him contribute to keep the peace? The money is going to end up in my son's account anyway, no matter if he receives payments from two savings accounts or just one.

Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.

EDIT 1: I thought I'd add, since this concern has already been raised a few times in the comments- it's an ISA nobody can withdraw money from until my child's 18th birthday (though I'm not sure he knows that), so I'm not too worried about any potential theft. It's more of a powerplay issue.

The internet had lots of thoughts.

Owls_and_Cardinals wrote:

NTA. You've done nothing wrong, in fact I think his reaction to this realization that the account exists is all the proof you need to know it would have been bad for him to be involved from the beginning.

If he can contribute to it, he can withdraw from it too, I believe. Minimally it would introduce questions around who really provided that AND it would give him some more say in how it is spent. Keep firm boundaries. He is in NO WAY disadvantaged here.

He can start his own savings account for the kid, either large or small. It is absurdly unreasonable for him to expect you to 'share' it with him now. EDIT: It's also a common but faulty critique for people who pay child support to act like everything the recipient can do financially is 'because' of that contribution. Pay no mind.

OP responded:

Luckily he wouldn't be able to withdraw any money from it. The money cannot be touched until my child's 18th birthday- even by me (or anyone else with potential full access).

4th_chakra wrote:

"He called me a jerk for not telling him about the account when I first opened it because now he's "8 years behind" and won't be able to match it and it will look bad when my kid grows up and only gets my support."

This isn't about you being financially responsible, and saving for your son's future. This is about your ex's ego, and control, and inventing this drama to lay (yet another?) guilt trip on you, while making it all about him and this "lost opportunity to show his benevolence". If he really wanted to save for your son's future, he had 8 years to do it.

That's entirely on him. (I can see why he is your ex). Your son is only 12. There is a whole lot of time for your ex to open his own savings account, contribute as he wants, then give that to your son when he comes of age. All by himself. Like an adult. Guess WTA is here. Not you. NTA.

arc_en_ciel-x2 wrote:

NTA. Also some possible red flags in the fact that he doesn't just want to contribute to the savings but wants to be the co-owner and know how much money is in there. It comes to mind for me to make sure this money is protected for your child and cannot be accessed by anyone else.

Reasonable-sale8611 wrote:

What bothers me is him saying that you were only able to open the account because of his child support contributions. As if he should only contribute to child support to the extent it keeps you and your child out of abject poverty and that anything he contributes is him being generous, rather than his obligation to contribute to the support of his own child.

oh-its-tuesday wrote:

NTA. Dude wants to steal “cachet” from you by acting like he contributed 1/2 of the account over the years when in reality he plans to put $20 in there once or twice a year for the next 10 years. That’s why he wanted to know how much is in there and wants to be a 50% owner of the account. So he can brag about how awesome of a dad he is without actually having to do any work.

slap-a-frap wrote:

NTA - He told me I was a jerk for purposefully making him look like a "bad dad" for not having thought of something like this.

A) your ex had nothing to do with this account so it's impossible for this to be true.

B) Your ex just showed you that his child is not a priority in his life because he's "not thinking about something like this" 100% on your ex

C) your ex is just pissed because you are being a better parent to your child than he is.

Don't give your ex access, let him contribute his own money into his own account. If he comes back with "you did this to make me look bad" you can tell him "your own actions make you look bad, not me and quit projecting"