Husband accuses wife of privacy invasion after she uncovers his infidelity with family friend. AITA?
"AITA? I caught my husband cheating with a family friend."
Ok I’m going to start off by saying this is going to be a looooong one which I do apologize for. But if you do make it to the end, please tell me, AITA? So back in summer 2024, my husband (M35, we’ll call him Roger) went off to a music festival with a couple of friends, one of which I (F37) had started to become quite close with to the point that we would message each other regularly.
I’d invite her to family events such as my daughters birthdays, etc. (we’ll call her Melanie because backstabbing homewrecking wh*re is too long to type out each time).
Prior to Roger going we had lots of conversations ie. expectations/boundaries etc. my biggest thing was because they have cell phone service, to please just contact me once a day.
I worry when he goes to these things because he partakes in a lot of d*ug activity (psychedelics and stimulants) which is something I’m not only uncomfortable with but against and he knows this deeply, but that leads us into a whole other thing… so back to the point!
During his what was supposed to be 8 days away turned into 10 days away, he never contacted me until the last day to say they were leaving then took nearly 2 days to come home without talking to me even though it was less than a day away.
When he came home he separated himself from me as much as possible and suddenly became excessively worried about Melanie and her boyfriend’s relationship issues. He’d have Melanie’s boyfriend come over and talk for hours about his relationship then immediately have to go spend double the hours with Melanie.
After 3 weeks of this behaviour I got really upset, told him how I was feeling and begged him to start putting in some effort and spending actual quality time with me and our daughter. On the 17th of August he promised to spend the day with us, we went to one of his family members and had an overall great evening or so I thought.
As soon as we got home, suddenly he needed to go meet up with Melanie to check on her because he was worried about her… I was of course upset but I’m not one to cause drama or stir up fights, instead I tend to let myself get walked on and treated as a last choice.
He leaves and I sit down to smoke a doobie (edit I have a medical marijuana license and is not relevant to the story here), I look beside me and notice that for the first time in nearly a month he didn’t have his phone attached to him (he had even started falling asleep holding it).
We have a shared family photo album and he had taken some pictures that day so I wanted to add them to our shared folder. I open up his phone to be greeted with Melanie’s chest while she’s naked in a bathtub in this secret messaging app that he has and forgot to close when he rushed out to go see her.
I almost immediately threw up! So of course I scroll up and read the messages that were still there. He talked about how incredible their first kiss was and how much she meant to him, and sent her a picture of him and my daughter at this family event as if he was some kind of single father.
Meanwhile this is my partner of 19 years, my husband of 12 years, my daughter's father and my literal best friend!
I was heartbroken, still am honestly…
The first thing he did when I confronted him was to ask me how I knew and I told him so he threw a fit saying I didn’t trust him and that I was invading his privacy… Like WTF?!? So truly, AITA??
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Girl.
Just leave with your daughter.
NTA!
Absolutely not, you're not the AH here. You were completely reasonable in your boundaries, and he not only broke your trust but then tried to flip the script and make you the villain for discovering it.
His behavior was manipulative and disrespectful, and you had every right to confront him. You deserve honesty, loyalty, and someone who doesn’t gaslight you for being hurt. Stay strong girl! this heartbreak is not your fault.
NTA. He broke your trust long before you looked at his phone cheating and hiding it is on him, not you. Confronting him was justified. Now you decide what boundaries or next steps you need to protect yourself and your daughter.
Get screenshots, if it's not too late, of what you discovered. Get everything in writing/text/screenshots. This will help your case when you take him to divorce court for custody and CSP. I'm sorry this happened to blow up your life. If you have a support system, family friends, let them help you. But first, lawyer.
NTA. The fact that he's ... I don't know if this is actually gaslighting, telling you YOU are at fault for not trusting him enough but instead discovering that he can't be trusted ... I know there's a phrase for it. But he IS trying to turn it on you.
First, she is not the homewrecker, your husband is, he took the vows with you.
Is she a b@tch and a horrible friend, absolutely. Second, you have a child, quit smoking dope, file for divorce, file for full custody with supervised visits, ask for drug testing, because according to you he does drugs.
Please be the good parent that gives up smoking weed, I know a lot of people don't think that's a big deal, but for custody it is.Third, please never, ever beg for someone's affection or time, it's beneath you. He's cheating, and he's probably been cheating longer than you think, he doesn't love you anymore.
It's typical for the cheater to try and reverse and become the victim when their partner finds out. Hopefully you did some screenshots, those can come in handy during proceedings. It's time for you and your daughter to go. Good luck to you!