'AITA? I didn’t invite my father to my toddler’s birthday party.' 'Now he's threatening consequences.'

AITA? I didn’t invite my father to my toddler’s birthday party and now he is threatening consequences...

A little background to this story, my father and mother got into a messy divorce and are not on speaking terms. I’m a married adult, with young children, and own a home. This home is not particularly close to my dad’s house. My dad has since remarried, although I did not attend the wedding.

Now my son’s birthday was coming up and he said he wanted a birthday party. I don’t know why but for some reason I wasn’t expecting a 3 year old to want a birthday party, so maybe IATA.

So I quickly invited some of my son’s friends and my mother, since she lived closer and I knew she could make it on short notice. It was a fun party and my son had a great time. I took pictures and posted them to social media when it was all over.

Then came the text. I won’t post it here since it’s rather lengthy but the gist of it is: you don’t invite me to family gatherings, you disrespected me by not coming to my wedding, your mother has poisoned you against me, I won’t be treated like this for much longer, there will be consequences!

I was confused at first, I had just seen him last month at a small family gathering with his side of the family. I tried to explain that I couldn’t have him and my mom over at the same time since my mom would just leave and I didn’t need that drama at my son’s birthday party.

I offered to let him come over and give my son a gift on another day if he would like. As for his wedding, I told him I didn’t feel comfortable going. It was just weird for me and nothing personal. I told him I didn’t appreciate the whole “consequences” talk. After all I’m the only child he has left that even speaks to him.

On a side note, and I did not say this to my dad, but I’m not even sure what consequences would be. I’m a self made man at this point in my life. It sounds cruel to say, but I don’t really need my parents for anything any more. I suppose he could write me out of his will but I’ve always assumed I wouldn’t get anything. I’d be lucky if I didn’t inherit debt at this point.

Anyways, to make a long story short, I basically said he has to deal with the fact that he can’t be over at the house at the same time as my mom. If he wants that to change he needs to make things civil with my mom.

Until then, he has to accept coming over for separate family gatherings. He took this as me taking sides and we just went around in circles for a long time, with claiming all his previously stated positions.

I’m tempted to just do what my siblings have done and cut him out of my life but at the same time I want him to be able to have some kind of relationship with his grandchildren.

So, AITA for having two birthday parties for my son, just to appease a parent that doesn’t even appreciate the extra effort? I don’t think I can keep doing this forever. I think my kids don’t care now but I would think they would resent this as they get older.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Savings-Bison-512 said:

NTA...but let me ask. Did your father contact your child to wish him a happy birthday? Did you receive a gift for him in the mail, or did you get a call saying..."Hey, I know you have a birthday coming up.

Do you have any plans?". It appears your father showed absolutely no interest in your child's birthday until you posted about it. Now he wants to act butt hurt that he wasn't included. As last minute as your party was, if he cared at all there should have been some kind of effort from him before that point.

Own_Lack_4526 said:

NTA. I am divorced. We have adult kids. I don't like my ex much. I wouldn't dream of being anything but civil at anything involving our kids and grandkids. I'm all grown up, and able to act like one.

Is the messiness on both parts, or was your dad an at fault party and your mom hurt by his actions? It sounds like you don't harbor the same feelings about your mom as your dad, or at least it isn't coming through in this context.

I would simply advise both parents that their grandchild's feelings are more important than their own, and if they can't manage to be in the same room with each other for a few hours, a few times a year, then they are welcome to skip any other family functions that you host.

What are you going to do in the future with events that can't be double scheduled? School plays, band concerts, games for whatever sports your kid might be interested in?

The boundary needs to be set now, before those events start up. If either of them is rude to the other, that person is out the door. Doesn't matter who starts it - that one is gone from that event. They are both adults - they both need to act like adults.

Active-Anteater1884 said:

ESH. If you have any type of your relationship with your father, hosting a party for your little one, not inviting him, then posting all the fun on social media posts that he would be likely to see is sort of an AH move. You don't really go into what your relationship was like with your parents before this party.

I, personally, think the thing to do is invite them both, and let them deal with things like the grown ups they're supposed to be. Barring that, if you're closer to your mother and her presence mattered more, all you had to do was pick up the phone and say, "Dad, listen. Sonny's having a birthday party.

Things aren't great between you and Mom, and she really wants to be here. So I think it best that I just invite her. I hope you understand." Your dad, of course, is T A for the whole "consequences" thing. But it didn't have to come to this. A simple convo might have gone a long way to calming the waters.

jljwc said:

ESH Your mom: Why can’t your mom be the adult and be in the same room as your father for their grandkid’s bday? You: if you’re going exclude someone, and don’t want blowback, don’t post about it on social media Your dad: Needs to express his understandable hurt without bringing in potential consequences

izthatso said:

NTA. Clearly your dad’s actions have caused others to go NC, so I’m assuming he doesn’t know how to play nice. And him threatening his own adult son with some sort of vague consequences smells like bullying, he doesn’t have anything left but empty threats.

If you choose to throw two parties this year then the precedent is set. Every year from now on your son will have to have two parties and that’s absurd.

I’m guessing here, but I’ll guess your dad has fingers and his own phone and he knows how to speak into the mouthpiece, so if “Grandpa” wants to make plans with his grandson then he can call and get together with him. Invite your dad to he proactive. But if he threatens you then you need to set boundaries.

Something I strongly suggest is while it’s still summertime and all the important holidays aren’t looming, sit down and talk with your spouse and make a plan on how you will manage both of your parents. And then communicate to them in person what your expectations are and what your boundaries are.

phastisasu said:

NTA but come on you saying that you didn’t go to his wedding was, nothing personal is the biggest copout, load of bullshit ever. It was personal, you did not want to see your father get married again. You sound a little whiny, but you are allowed to invite whoever you want to your kids birthday.