'AITA for asking someone I thought was my friend why only my BF was invited to their wedding?' UPDATED 4X

"WIBTA if I asked someone I thought was my friend why only my bf was invited to their wedding?"

So for context I (23F) have known this guy (24M, I guess I’ll call him Roger) for 6 years now. He and I were put into a musical ensemble together our first year of college and we stayed in it for 4 years. This group is also where I met my boyfriend (24M) and where my boyfriend met Roger also.

There were a couple other guys in the group, and we all were and have remained pretty good friends, especially since the other 4 (including my bf) are in a band together they continued after college. I wasn’t excluded from this group I just really wasn’t interested in the time commitment so I declined to join when they started out.

They have actually become pretty well known in our local scene, they’re a really talented group. Anyways onto the current situation. Roger has been with his fiancé (22F) since before I met him, and when she came to the same school we were in all the rest of us in the group became pretty friendly with her.

I wouldn’t really consider her a friend, we have no beef as far as I’m aware, we just aren’t really close and we only really talk at shows. I do like her though and we always make a point of saying hi to each other when we see each other and have a friendly chat. So my BF and I have known these guys literally the same amount of time.

We spent all of college with Roger seeing each other at least twice a week for this group although it was usually much more, and we still hang out with them sometimes outside of the band scene. So Roger is getting married to his fiancé this summer. I of course wished them both congratulations when I heard the news of their engagement.

A couple months ago, we got the save the date in the mail. It was addressed to only my boyfriend. Which I thought was a bit odd, but it was only the save the date so I didn’t really think much of it. Put it on the fridge. Well last week. The wedding invite came. It was again addressed to just my boyfriend. We opened it and there was no indication of even a plus one or anything.

Which I really don’t think I should be a plus one for my boyfriend, I feel I should be invited on my own merit. My boyfriend said they maybe just addressed it to him because we live together but like…that’s exactly my point. We live together so if it’s for both of us it should be addressed to both of us, otherwise I assume mail addressed to him is his. I’m honestly incredibly hurt by this.

I guess it’s fine if they don’t really see us as friends but I still feel like the fact that they know my boyfriend and I both live here and they know I’m expecting to be invited seeing as everyone else from this old group is makes this feel like a real punch in the gut. So I guess my question is two fold actually, AITAH for being offended by this in the first place? And WIBTA if I asked them why I wasn’t invited?

The internet was opinionated about this one.

Alwayshelpful22 wrote:

YTA. They can invite whoever they want, and they invited your bf.
As you note, they are currently band mates with your bf (not you), which might be where they drew the invitation line.

Maybe you’re overestimating your friendship to them?

Either way, it is ALWAYS rude for someone to ask the couple why they weren’t invited to a wedding.

forever_single_now wrote:

YTA/NTA YTA: Not being directly invited seams normal. They choose who to invite and you’re not close any more. NTA: However the missing +1 when they know him well and know you are together for a long time is an ass move. Personally, being in a relationship I would refuse to attend near those conditions.

ThrowRArosecolor wrote:

NTA. But I think your boyfriend should be the one asking. It could be that the invite is for you both and the person who addressed it messed up. Weddings often have a bridesmaid or a sister (always seems to be women doing this labour, eh?) who addresses the cards. Your boyfriend should ask the friend.

And it is totally understandable for you to be upset if you weren’t invited. What a way to find out that they don’t like you as much as you thought AND they have no clue of wedding etiquette. You two live together and it’s a real faux pas not to invite you, even if you weren’t close to them. It’s doubly weird since you ARE close. I bet it’s a mistake and have your boyfriend clear it up asap.

Beck2010 wrote:

Hate to say it, but…YWBTA if you asked. Your bf can certainly seek clarification. However, assuming you’re not “that person” who thinks people like you when they actually don’t, it’ll be the bride and groom with egg on their faces if your bf attends without you. If every other member of the band AND their SOs were invited, your absence will stick out.

Everyone will ask your bf why you’re not there, and he MUST tell the truth: “She wasn’t invited. Only I was invited. When I asked why, I was told…”

ETA: please make sure to update. We’ll all need the tea on why you were excluded.

Two months later, OP shared another post.

Hi everyone! This is a throwaway, I used it previously to ask about this situation on AITAH a couple months back but as the event is approaching my fiancé is starting to make me question if I’m actually reading the situation right and I just would really like to get some other takes on the situation!

So to summarize my previous post, we have friends (unsure on that one) getting married this weekend, the question of my last post was about the fact that my name was not on the invitation that was sent to my fiancé’s and my apartment.

My fiancé and I met each other at the same time as we met the groom and we got together about a year and some change later, we worked pretty closely in a musical group throughout school, and then my fiancé and the other members of that group decided to continue and form their own band.

I was not excluded from this, just was not particularly interested in the time commitment and I don’t regret that decision because they are busy motherf!ckers.

But being that my fiancé and I are still together, I still see the groom and his bride-to-be quite often. We’ve never had any beef as far as I know, and we always have friendly conversation and say hello to each other, like each other’s stuff on instagram and whatnot.

Given the background of our relationship, and the fact that my fiancé and I have lived together for 3 years and they sent the invitation to the apartment that we share, the fact that my name was not on the invitation says to me that I am not invited.

My fiancé kept trying to say like, “oh maybe they didn’t know they were supposed to put your name on it too,” or insisting it was a mistake because “maybe someone else wrote the invites,” to which I told him they would have written the invites based on the names they were given.

I asked if I would be TA if I asked them why I wasn’t invited, to which I was told I would be, and I was probably right I wasn’t invited. Though others did agree on how insanely rude it was of them. I accepted that answer and while I still feel the whole thing was rude, I’ve let it go and I don’t plan to talk badly about them or to them or cause any drama because it’s up to them who’s at their wedding.

They won’t be at mine. My fiancé accepted I was right about the situation after another person from this group also recently sent out save the dates for his wedding and both our names were on the invite, and I pointed out to him a month before we’d received an invite from one of my fiancé’s friends I’d only met a couple times, and both of our names were on the invite. But I digress.

The purpose for today’s post is that the wedding is this weekend. For some reason, my fiancé keeps asking me if I’m going. Apparently he asked the groom and he was told verbally that I am invited, but given the fact that my name was not on the invitation, nor was it on the save the date we received earlier.

I really can’t just go off of that as enough evidence that I am welcome there. I really believe that if I was invited, after my fiancé asked why my name wasn’t on the invitation, one of them should have reached out directly to me if they actually are expecting me to show up.

But they haven’t, and for some reason my fiancé believes they’re expecting me to be there. And he keeps saying he doesn’t want to “have to explain to people why I’m not there.” And I keep telling him there isn’t anything to explain, I wasn’t invited. But here’s where I’m conflicted. I truly do not want to start drama surrounding their wedding.

I respect their decision not to invite me if that’s how they want their day to be, I don’t think anyone should ever have to invite somebody to their wedding that they don’t want to. BUT I also am fully aware that there are going to be several people there who are close to my fiancé and I as a couple who are going to wonder why I am not there, and it may cause a fuss if anyone asks the bride and groom directly.

Which I realize may come off as main character syndrome, I don’t really think people will be that concerned about where I am but my fiancé and go everywhere together so my absence will definitely be noticed by our friends and some of them aren’t good at knowing when to just let things be. And so I genuinely have no idea what to do here.

Here are the options I can see right now:

Take my fiancé’s word for it that they do want me there despite everything saying the opposite and show up, risking being unwelcome and possibly upsetting them on their wedding day.

Don’t go, come up with a fake story for my fiancé to tell everyone so that nobody will try to go poking for gossip.

Don’t go, tell my fiancé to either just state the truth, that I wasn’t invited, or he can come up with a story on his own if he’s not comfortable with that.

I’m leaning towards option 3, which honestly does feel kind of petty, and my reasoning is that if they didn’t want people to ask why I’m not there, they should have invited me to be there.

Which definitely is a bit petty. But I just don’t see why I should lie for them when they don’t even respect me as my fiancé’s long term partner who they have spent many years getting to know, let alone as a friend to them. What do you guys think? Is there another option here where I don’t feel like I’m being a doormat while also avoiding coming across as an AH?

Or is this one of those situations where I can really only have the high ground if I cover for them because it’s their wedding day? Any thoughts and advice welcome, please and thank you!! And feel free to ask any clarifying questions if anything doesn’t make sense or if it seems like anything is missing :)

Also there is one detail I couldn’t quite figure out where to fit in here, but when we initially received the invitation, the second envelope for their wedding addressed to just my fiancé, I talked to a friend of mine about it who vaguely knows who the couple is because I wanted to ask someone who wouldn’t bring it up to them if I was overreacting.

She ended up telling me last month that she found out a different friend of hers who was really good friends with the bride all through school and thought they still were friends was also not invited. Idk if that makes much a difference in the overall take of the situation but it does seem relevant.

TL;DR - wasn't invited to friend’s wedding, fiancé was, wedding is this weekend and fiancé keeps trying to convince me I should go and saying he doesn’t want to explain to people why I’m not there. What’s the best way to navigate this?

Not long after posting, OP shared two more updates.

EDIT: If you aren’t going to read the post don’t comment. I wanted to ask them for clarification, but since I’ve never been in this position before, I wanted to ask others who maybe have more experience with weddings how I should ask.

EVERYONE said that I would be an absolute AH for even considering asking as it’s their wedding and it is obvious I am not invited and putting them in that position to have to tell me that to my face would be wrong.

Instead of getting mad at me for asking for advice on handling this situation, you should have joined in the first time I asked and then maybe the reaction you would have received would demonstrate to you why I thought it was inappropriate to ask.

EDIT 2: Thank you to everyone who had actual advice and helped me figure out the right decision to me, to everyone who’s being super condescending about me not asking them, how would you feel if you didn’t invite somebody to your wedding and then they confronted you about it?

I get you should be upfront with them but some people just don’t want to risk the drama and I guess that’s fine too, it’s their day. It’s not really my place to kick up a fuss about it, if it turns out that it was a mistake, then they can explain that to me and we can laugh about it and move on. But if I am in fact right, it would be really sh-ty to them to make a fuss about it when the day has nothing to do with me.

This isn’t about “this generation too scared to talk to people,” it’s actually about having common courtesy to realize when it is appropriate to make a situation about me and when it is not. This is one of those situations where it is not, so I wanted to know the best way to make sure I uphold the fact that I don’t want to be a source of drama for them surrounding their wedding.

I did get a lot of good perspectives about possible mistakes that could have happened here, and I’m super happy to accept that as a reality if they explain that to me, but for right now, I’m just going to quietly accept the situation as is and find something fun to do this weekend instead!

The commenters had lots to say.

Confetti-Everywhere wrote:

I wouldn’t go as you weren’t on the invitation. They could have easily sent the invite to your fiancé & guest but chose not too. Your fiancé asking probably put the groom on the spot.

I would worry that the bride was not included in this info and that an extra person wasn’t planned for (seating/food). I wouldn’t spin a story as to why you’re not there because it might come up again somewhere else. You weren’t invited should suffice.

OP responded:

Thank you, that was kind of what I thought too. I didn’t really want him to ask in the first place because it just seems like extremely basic wedding invitation etiquette, there was no mistake.

But he did, and I kind of interpreted it the way you did too, put him on the spot, and the bride wasn’t around. Which is why I think that if he actually meant that, one of them would have reached out to me directly to clarify since if it was a mistake they had been made aware.

But since they didn’t I think your comment is probably accurate. Thanks! I won’t go, and if anyone asks I will state plainly that I wasn’t invited, but I won’t engage in more conversation about the subject than that.

the_beatlabratory wrote:

Don’t EVER go to a wedding unless you receive a “real” invitation. A “real” invitation can ONLY come from the couple (yes, it can be a verbal invitation, but again only from the couple being married). If you’re not invited (and, OP, you’re clearly not) your only job is to accept that reality graciously.

It is absolutely NOT your responsibility to lie about whether or not you were invited. Personally, if I was your SO I wouldn’t attend if you weren’t invited (and, again, you’re not). If he does attend he should tell the truth about why you’re not there. He should avoid drama when he tells the truth, but he should definitely tell the truth.

OP responded:

Thank you! That’s my take on the situation too. My fiancé just had me kind of questioning what the right move is, and I am neurodivergent so social cues are not my specialty! Glad to know I’m reading it correctly.

MerrilyDreaming wrote:

Your fiancé presumably had to rsvp. Was that rsvp for one or two people? If it was online and it was just his name to select it’s extremely clear you weren’t invited and if you showed up you’d have no where to sit which would be embarrassing.

I think the best thing for your fiancé to say is “I think they only gave married people plus ones but we can all hang out soon”. Makes clear you weren’t invited but there’s no hard feelings.

OP responded:

That’ll be really funny when he says that to the unmarried couples there.

Five days later, OP shared another update.

Hi all! This is not a very interesting update, but several people asked for one, so I thought I would just explain how things went yesterday. So first of all, I’m very glad I didn’t go. My fiancé was quite unhappy when he came home from the wedding and told me I was on to something.

Turns out I was not the only partner that was missing, but my fiancé is still a bit confused by the whole thing because it struck him as really weird who didn’t have their partners there. Plenty of people did ask about me and where I was, my fiancé just kind of generically told them I couldn’t make it.

BUT the bride and groom did not ask about me, though the groom came up to my fiancé and said something about, “can’t wait for your wedding,” which is what made him realize I was right about the whole thing. None of the bridal party (many of whom we know well) asked about me which also stood out to him considering how many of the guests did.

One thing that strikes me as odd is that my fiancé confirmed there was no designated seat for me, but there were a lot of empty seats. Which leads me to wonder if they knew how entirely confusing and weird this was and they were preparing for people’s spouses that weren’t invited to show up and play it off by having a seat available. I don’t know.

That’s pretty much it. The whole thing honestly feels even more confusing after the wedding but I do at least think it’s pretty clear that I was right and made the right decision in not going. No real drama happened, and I’m not gonna really bother to try and find out more from them or from anyone else, but it is disappointing to say the least.

My fiancé is pretty disappointed too to find how little these “friends” respect not just me as a person, but me as his partner. But that’s just how it goes sometimes I guess. I really just wish they had been direct, even if the reason the gave was a lie, that I wasn’t invited. I would have understood if they said it was a matter of numbers, but the way they went about this just seems so pathetic and cowardly to me.

But it appears as if we weren’t the only long term couple they did this to, so I think it says a lot more about them than it does about me. Thanks to everyone who gave advice and offered different perspectives. I’m super thankful I posted here because you guys really helped me feel confident in my read on the situation and you all helped me make the right. decision to avoid the most drama or embarrassment.

The internet was invested.

Business-Box-253 wrote:

I bet they don’t like how this plays out socially for them. And I also bet that the reason there were lots of open seats had more to do with people no showing when the figured out the SO was not invited.

snork13 wrote:

So, which one of the newly weds will you be inviting to your wedding? The Bride or the Groom? /s

OP responded:

LMAO right 😂 I’m not totally sure what we’ll do. My fiance thinks we should “be the bigger person” and invite them but I think screw that, it’s our wedding day and I already was the bigger person on their day.

But I can see an argument for inviting them both to make them feel bad. Idk, we only got engaged like 6 weeks ago so we haven’t really started wedding planning yet, but we’ll be thinking about these things more concretely soon as we get started on real planning.

Corfiz74 wrote:

OP, going by who was excluded: was it only very attractive girls? Maybe the bride was insecure and didn't want anyone to outshine her.

OP responded:

I suppose that’s a thought. That didn’t occur to me, the partners that my fiancé said were not there are very pretty in my opinion, though none of us look anything like the bride.

Plus_Secretary2760 wrote:

It sounds like you definitely made the right call by not attending. If your fiancé’s experience and the lack of acknowledgment from the bride and groom are any indicators, it seems like they handled the situation poorly.

It’s disappointing when friends don’t show the respect they should, especially when it involves your relationship. It’s good that you trusted your instincts and avoided potential awkwardness. Sometimes it’s better to step back and let people reveal their true colors.