'AITA if I break up with my girlfriend because of her art project?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITAH if I break up with my girlfriend because of her art project?"

My 21M girlfriend 26F is in art school.

A few days ago I found her archive of videos taken while I was sleeping. 94 videos, one for each night that I slept over at her place.

She said it’s for a project she was going to ask my permission to submit but I’m creeped out, and I can’t stop thinking about how she invaded my privacy by not telling me she was doing something like this.

She said if she told me, it would ruin the project and she was going to tell me eventually, because she was sure I would be okay with it. Well I’m not.

Am I overreacting?

The internet had OP's back all the way.

prettyy_Selina wrote:

NTA. You're not overreacting. Your girlfriend violated your privacy and trust by filming you without your consent, even if it was for an art project. It's understandable that you feel uncomfortable and creeped out. It's your right to set boundaries and expect them to be respected in a relationship.

barbedwirethumbtacks wrote:

NTA, and f-k her, I'd inform the school that she's intending on submitting videos taken without your consent.

servertechie wrote:

Go watch the movie “The Shape of Things” staring Paul Rudd and Rachel Weisz. Trust me, it’s very relevant. You should not trust her, and a true artist with integrity would have asked for your consent. You would be well within your rights to burn her and notify the school. Her work is not art, it’s perversion.

Ask yourself just what else is she willing to do in the name of her art? As someone who took numerous film art classes, I can honestly say I have seen some disgusting vile BS on the screen that is considered art just because some freak insists it is.

mafiamiaa wrote:

You're not overreacting. It's completely understandable to feel violated by the situation. Your girlfriend's decision to film you without your knowledge or consent is a serious breach of trust and privacy, regardless of her intentions for the project. It's reasonable to feel uncomfortable and even unsafe knowing that she recorded you while you were vulnerable.

machiatobabyy wrote:

You’re not overreacting. It’s completely understandable to feel violated when someone records you without your knowledge, especially in such a vulnerable state. Privacy is a significant boundary in any relationship, and it’s concerning that your girlfriend chose to bypass that for her project. While she may have had good intentions, her reasoning doesn’t justify invading your privacy.

Alucius_Starson wrote:

NTA, she should have at least asked you for permission prior, and told you that if she revealed all the details it would alter the project and not be what was needed. She's a liar IMO, prolly never would have told you she was doing and submitting it...

Ashamed_Quiet_6777 wrote:

Not only would I break up with her, I'd make sure to report her to the police. They aren't going to prosecute her but that behavior is BEYOND alarming.

I wouldn't trust her explanation frankly. She sounds berserk.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

I asked my girlfriend if she had a backup project to submit in the off chance that I would not have consented to being part of her current one. She said she didn't because she was dead certain I would. I told her that her approach to this was all wrong and it's left me feeling like we're not a team and she can't be trusted. I feel that she should have involved me from the start.

And as someone put it in my previous post...you can't consent after the fact. We kind of derailed into a conversation about what's ethical. Obviously I'm not in art school doing a masters program, but I can still speak to the subject. I feel like she just bulldozed me and her defensiveness just put me off further.

I don't have an issue with her project. I have an issue with all the raw footage she obtained in order to create it, which involved filming me without consent for several weeks. This footage (which no longer exists I hope)...was an invasion of my privacy. I requested her to delete it all. She said she did. I can only hope she did.

We ended up breaking up. I don't know if she'll submit the project anyway. If she does I'll know for sure I did the right thing ending it. I get confused now and then because when I try to explain it to friends it seems like a stupid reason to break up, but I just can't shake the feeling that this was just one example of a greater difference in our relationship.

There's a lack of mutual respect...and idk regard for my opinions? She always thinks she knows better, more etc. Anyway, maybe I'm just reaching to make me feel comfortable about my decision. Anyway. Heart hurts. That's all.

And the internet had a lot to say in response.

roman1969 wrote:

I would be surprised if she deleted the work. That’s a lot of footage to replace, unless she comes up with a completely different concept and has that ready by the deadline. Perhaps contact the relevant person at her art school and talk about this. I don’t know about where you live, but where I’m from, students must submit a ‘consent to participate’ form signed by participants.

Let them know if her work is submitted with your image, you were not a willing participant and all her work was done without consent. For added clout, if they hum and haw, let them know you will be seeking legal counsel. Perhaps do that anyway. You did the right thing breaking up with her…she’s not great. NTAH.

bestkittens wrote:

This project is inspired by a famous series of Sophie Calle’s called Sleepers from the late 70s. Sophie’s work was very controversial then and that work continues to be controversial. I used it many times in my classes to start a conversation about ethics.

You were in a personal space with the expectation of privacy (as opposed to a public park or street etc). Your ex also did not get a model release signed by you. Therefore she cannot show the work in a professional setting.

You could contact her professor (or art department head if that doesn’t work) to let them know that the work was made without your consent and ask that it not be shown. This won’t go over well for your ex if they’re ethically responsible.

no_rxn wrote:

Contact her University and speak to either her Master's advisor and/or the universities legal department. Explicitly state you've not given her permission to use these images and they were taken of you in a very vulnerable state in a private setting without consent. And if she submits them you would like to be informed to take legal action.

It doesn't matter if you actually plan to follow up legally, You just need the university to be aware of the severity of the situation and make sure she doesn't submit the project containing any pictures of you. She already told you she had no backup project ready. She's 100% still going to use it.

Oddly_appeased wrote:

You did the right thing, you thought you could trust her but she proved otherwise. Her discounting your feeling and opinions saying she knows more or knows better is a mark of her not seeing you as a partner but more of using you for her own purposes. Hell she’s only 5 years older than you, if she can’t understand this was wrong then you’ll never convince her.