So I am a 42-year-old dad and I have a wife, let's call her Amanda. We have two sons together, let's call them Wyatt (20 years old) and William (18). The thing is since my oldest turned 18 we have been no contact. To make it simple on his 18th birthday we had planned a party but when we got home he was nowhere to be found. Most of his stuff was gone.
My son moved out at 18, we didn't know why and it's been two years. He's blocked us all, even his little brother whom he was so close just the day before leaving. it's tearing the family apart, Amanda still cries herself to sleep sometimes, William is a shell of himself and so am I. He isn't staying at extended family's house so until now we really had no clue where he was.
But last night I was at a restaurant with coworkers when I saw one of his high school friends. We started talking about it, he saw how desperate and heartbroken I was still two years after and I guess out of guilt he actually told me what happened. Basically we are from Idaho, and he moved to Seattle for a 'fresh start.'
Apparently, my son is gay and he preferred to cut contact with us instead of coming out to us and then supposedly become disowned. He apparently said he believed we would prefer to have no son at all than a gay son. And I mean, I understand where he is coming from.
Living in a small town in Idaho, where everyone knows each other and goes to church, I get why someone like him would be so scared to be true to himself here. But I'm going to be honest. I don't care. It was a shock sure, a hard pill to swallow, I've even showed homophobic behaviour before, but when it comes to Wyatt I realized I just don't care.
I just want him to be happy. I just want my son back. I spent the whole day trying to find his Instagram, and I actually did. I want to tell him how much I love him and that I don't care. But I don't know if he would like that, he left for a reason. AITA if I contact him? Also I didn't tell my wife, William or everyone else. Should I?
BAR12358 wrote:
You were TA. If you really want to do better, you need to sound out your wife and other son to know if this is going to be a package deal. Are you willing to watch him hold hands with, be snuggly on the couch with, another man? Are you willing to let him be himself around other family? Are you willing to introduce his future husband, as his husband?
How will you feel when/if they decide to have kids. If any of these make you squeamish, you have work still to do. An old boss of mine asked me to find his oldest boy for the same reason. I talked to him at length to get a feel for if he'd really changed, and his grief was genuine. I felt it was, and found his kid, and passed on contact info.
I heard nothing for just over a year, when my old boss' wife called to let me know he'd passed, and to thank me for letting him have a wonderful year with the whole family together again. I had no idea boss was sick, but I'm glad I trusted my gut. LISTEN UP! You'll get ONE shot at this. If you mess it up, he'll have less than no reason to trust you ever again, and he'd be right to run from you forever more.
Make sure your head and heart are in the right place. Plan this out. Talk it over with family and friends. Maybe talk to some gentlemen like your son to get their opinions on how to proceed. Do not mess up your one shot.
Good luck!
OP responded:
I am willing to change for my son because I love him so much. I believe that his decision made me realize how much I've failed as a dad and I owe him this. I'm truly ashamed he felt he had to cut contact to be himself, so yes, I will accept him. Thanks so much!
BlueGreen_1956 wrote:
Sadly, YTA. Why would you think your son would feel comfortable coming out to you if you have been homophobic before? And I have news for you, being homophobic but not when it applies to your own son makes you even worse in my eyes.
Anyone who feels fine hating on somebody else's child but changing your tune when it's your own speaks to your lack of character. Your son left hoping for a better life. Leave him alone and hope he has found it. If HE ever wants to contact you again, let it be his decision. I think you should tell your wife and your other son. William should know why his brother left so he doesn't feel any guilt about it.
OP responded:
Thanks for the harsh but necessary truth. I will work on myself. This whole ordeal has made me realize what kind of person I am and I don't like it. Also, I will tell my wife and son tonight.
Safe_Perspective9633 wrote:
So, here's the thing. You created an environment where your child did not feel safe. In fact, he felt so unsafe that he left without even a whisper. That speaks volumes to me. But then you literally cyber stalked him to find him on Instagram. Do you honestly believe that this will make him feel safe? It won't. Trust me.
My advice: IF you truly want to change your ways, start by volunteering for causes like Trevor Project or something similar in your area. Start becoming involved and making a true difference in the world, so other kids can have a safe space when their own parents reject them. If your church teaches homophobia, stop attending that church and find one that is inclusive.
They do exist, believe it or not. Basically, I'm telling you to start working on the man in the mirror and be the change that your son would be proud of. Until you do that, you have NO hope of reconciling with your son. Do NOT contact him. Let his friend know that you would like to speak with him, but let HIM make the first move. Do better.
justasque wrote:
NTA for wanting to reach out, but you’ve got work to do. Before you contact him, have a long, hard, honest think about the things you may have said, or done, or times where you didn’t challenge someone else who said or did something that could have led your son to believe that he would be unwelcome in your home if he came out to you.
Jokes you told or laughed at or didn’t call someone else out on. How you responded to queer characters on TV. Remarks about political issues surrounding gay, lesbian, gender non-conforming, or trans people. Who you voted for, and what their views and policies were about queer people. What you heard in church, and how you talked about it - or didn’t - at home.
Spend some time really seeing and listening to what your child may have seen in your home, your church, your workplace, their school. Look at bumper stickers and flags on your neighbors’ cars and lawns, listen to the talking heads on your tv, pay attention to your church’s statement of faith.
Look at all of those things as if seeing them through your son’s eyes. Read the stories of queer youth and why they left home. Read a few books of gay history. There are a few books and autobiographies that can help you understand these experiences; your library might help you to find them.
While they may not be the same as your son’s experience, it’s worth understanding the history and culture of people in his shoes. Learn this stuff so you have a context for what he has been through. Do all these things before you reach out, so you can fully understand why he may have felt unwelcome, for years before leaving.
Only then can you humbly approach him and show him, though the actions you have taken before reaching out, that you have a new understanding of what he may have experienced under your roof, and that you are willing to step up, atone for your part in what he experienced, and continue to learn how to do better.
Hello everyone, I posted days ago about my oldest son Wyatt who moved out at 18 because he was gay and scared of rejection. Your response was overwhelming, as as harsh it was, the truth was necessary. As you advised, I decided not to contact him yet, ready to make efforts to prove him I've changed when I do contact him. But I also decided to tell my wife and my other son, William.
So I sat them down and told them what I told you guys: how I met one of Wyatt's friend when I was out, how he told me everything about Wyatt and how much we should how love and support him regardless of who he is etc. And that's when the shocking news come. William already knew everything. Apparently, six months after he left, Wyatt called William and told him everything.
William didn't tell me much about what was said but I know that they kept in contact (they text on a daily basis) and that Wyatt asked him not to tell anything to us. William, always loyal, did just that. Long story short, my wife was crying because she didn't realize how awful she had been acting, and William ended up texting Wyatt to tell him we knew somehow and that we loved him no matter what.
Then Wyatt called me later and while it was awkward at first, it quickly got better as we were catching up to life. That he was struggling with students loans but that he was still doing great. I offered to gather money for his tuition and he said 'I'll think about it'.
We talked a lot more, it was mainly my wife and I apologizing and telling him how much we love him, not matter what, and that we're proud of him, that we are willing to change for him.
He said he will be calling us in a few days and he will maybe visit this week end. I genuinely didn't expect things to go this way and I realize I'm so lucky he's even willing to talk to me. I swear I'll make it right and love him no matter what.
mocha_lattes_ wrote:
Sometimes all it takes to realize bigotry and hatred is realizing someone you care about is part of that group. Good on you and your wife for acknowledging you were wrong. Now you just need to take steps to fix things. Find an LGBT+ friendly church. Learn about what these kids can go through. Volunteer at resources that them. Go to group for parents.
Learn what you can and take steps to make amends. Attend a pride parade. Don't do it because you want your kid back, do it because you want to be a better person. Make sure you tell your sons you are proud of them. One for being true to himself and the other for being loyal to his sibling. And OP I'm proud of you for learning what love really truly means. Best of luck going forward.
Dancinginhyrule wrote:
Well done. A tip: I know you offered money to help out, but right now, it can come across as “buying” forgiveness or bribing him. If you do want to help him financially, it’s important that you clearly communicate (and stick to) that there are no syringes or conditions attached.
If you give him money and then bring it up when he doesn’t visit often enough or don’t forgive you fast enough, then you’ve poisoned the well twice over. Let him know that you want to help but understand that it’s not a fast ticket to his good grace and that you wont push it.
OP responded:
Thanks for the advice!
mine_mila_cute wrote:
You're doing exactly what a good parent should: taking responsibility, owning your mistakes, and showing unconditional love. The fact that Wyatt is open to reconnecting speaks volumes about his love for you too, despite everything.
It’s amazing that William maintained that bond with his brother and that your family is taking steps to rebuild trust and create a more supportive dynamic. Keep showing up for Wyatt... words are a great start, but actions will show him you truly mean it. Wishing your family the best as you move forward together!
Double_Resolution179 wrote:
Please still follow the advice from the previous post about doing therapy, educating yourself on LGBT+ issues and history, changing churches, and doing outreach for LGBT+ groups and issues.
I’m glad you heard from your son but like the others said, he wouldn’t have left and gone no contact for no reason. Please google and read “missing missing reasons” and take it to heart. You got lucky but if you don’t actually do the work to unpack your latent homophobia, you will lose him all over again.
Good parenting isn’t going to be about paying for tuition, it will be in showing active progress on supporting him for who is through self work and understanding your role in why he left. And if nothing else you will be making the world a better place regardless of how things go with your son.