'AITA if I don’t attend a family dinner because of a grudge against my sister?'

"AITA if I didn’t attend a family dinner because of my sister?"

Hi internet, first time posting and I need advice because I’ve been brooding over this and it’s really eating me up. Everything started back in January when my sister (25F) moved back home after breaking up with her boyfriend.

They had adopted a cat together and fought over who’d keep it. She got a loan to pay her ex for his half. But that ended up being pointless because between her job, her social life, and trying to find a place, she realized she couldn’t care for the cat.

We (my parents, younger siblings, and I, 23F) all asked her to please let us know before giving the cat back so we could say goodbye. She agreed. Well, she didn’t. She waited until my parents and little sister were on a trip, I was at work, and only my brother was home.

She just texted, “hey he is coming today to take the cat,” and didn’t even tell my brother, who was actually in the house. We were hurt. My brother especially, since he really bonded with the cat. We talked to her, and she didn’t apologize. Just said, “It’s my cat, my life, I do what I want.” I told her that next time she should at least consider how her actions affect others.

A few weeks later, Bad Bunny announced his Europe tour (we live in Spain). She was desperate to get tickets. I couldn’t afford to buy one, but I lent her my Ticketmaster accounts. She was aiming for two tickets for her and her ex (again). But she ended up buying four due to nerves. When she told me, I asked if I could have one.

I said I’d pay her on payday and even drive her to the concert. She said she’d think about it people were offering double the price. Next day, she called and said she and her ex had fought and he wasn’t going. She asked if I still wanted the ticket. I said yes, but I’d have to pay her on the first. She said okay. My friends warned me she might sell it anyway, but I defended her. I didn’t think she’d do that to me.

Two weeks later, we went out to eat (me, her, and our mom). I brought up the ticket. She shook her head and said her ex paid her the day after we talked and she sold the others too, for €200–€300. I was stunned. I reminded her I was going to pay. She said, “I know, but I wanted more money.” That moment shattered me.

She didn’t even really say sorry, just “sorry but” and excuses. I lost a lot of respect for her. It’s been two weeks. No apology. I’m not even upset about the ticket anymore. What hurts is that she’s my sister and showed no loyalty. I’ve done so much for her (picked her up late after she broke up her ex, helped her move, paid for stuff she couldn’t afford, etc).

Now, my mom and I were planning a summer dinner so I could introduce my boyfriend to the family. I said I didn’t want my sister there. My mom said if she’s not invited, she won’t do the dinner. I said if she comes, then I won’t. My boyfriend says we can just go and not engage, but I know my parents will be mad at me. My mom already said if it doesn’t happen, it’s my fault. AITA?

The internet didn't hold back one bit.

hitchin_post wrote:

INFO: Are you planning on going full no contact with sister for the foreseeable future? If you have a plan, or a boundary, and this is part of it, then that makes sense, and you are NTA. But, if this is really more of a tantrum where you just want to hurt her by not having her at this one thing, but you expect things to normalize soon, then everyone sucks, because that’s short term pettiness hurting the whole family.

OP responded:

I don’t think going full no contact is an option rn bc of my family. I do plan on setting more boundaries with her even tho it hurts me bc we were really close, with what happened though I realize we were only close when she need something from me.

Right now I just want her to understand how deeply hurt I am. I am not trying to hurt her and I told my mom I understand if we don't do the dinner (but that is she still wants to do it then i wont go) I just want her to take accountability for once.

MeatofKings wrote:

YTA If you let your sister come between you and the rest of the family. Just be polite when she’s around, but don’t stop doing all the things you want. And be honest.

If someone says you aren’t close with your sister, just acknowledge it and say “Yes, we don’t have a good relationship right now.” If you really want to stick it to your sister, take your brother and visit her ex so you can see the cat. Bring some cat treats, take some photos. She will hate that. 🤣

__goneawry__ wrote:

ESH. Your sister is selfish, immature, and unreliable. You're learning that you can't really trust her to come through for you or keep her word to others, and that's sad. However, it doesn't sound like she actively antagonizes you or goes out of her way to pick on you, and at the end of the day she has the right to handle her cat and her concert tickets the way she likes.

If you're so upset that you won't be able to see her without picking a fight about this, don't go- not because she'll be there, but because the other guests don't deserve to be subjected to petty drama. But you should think about what your long term plan is here, just not spend time with your family if she is there?

By saying that it's either her or you at the party, it sounds like you are kind of expecting your mom pick a side here, and that is where YWBTA. You and your sister are both adults and there's no reason to get your mom involved in a squabble over concert tickets.

I agree with your mom here, work out your issues with your sister or stay polite, but it's not her job to fight your battles by excluding her daughter from family events over this kind of inter-sibling conflict. No one is being ab#$ed here.

Again, I understand why you're disappointed and you feel like trust has been broken. However, as frustrating as they are, the cat and the concert tickets are honestly not big enough issues to get her kicked out of the family.

If I were you, I would try to get yourself to a place emotionally where you can be civil to her at family events, and privately adjust how much effort you're willing to give for her now that you know your consideration will probably not be reciprocated.

Carbon-Based216 wrote:

NTA sometimes family can be toxic and you need to realize when it is time to distance yourself from them. Sounds like your sister hasn't kept up the social contract that is involved with having family. You dont owe her more than you've already given.

Pepsilover12 wrote:

You would not be the a#$ however I’d suggest you hosting the dinner and then you can decide on the guest list. I’d also stop doing so much for your sister who is obviously using you and unfortunately your mom can’t see this. Let your mom know you are tired of her defending her and never even looking at it from your point of view.

Lulu_42 wrote:

YTA. Not getting to say goodbye to her cat and her bailing out on selling you concert tickets isn’t enough of a reason to go scorched earth. Take a step back, definitely don’t do other things for her when she’s ungrateful, but there’s no need for this level of NC. I wouldn’t normally tell someone what is and isn’t sufficient for this kind of hurt, but you’re here asking for judgment.