'AITA if I ignore my sister's fiancé on their wedding day and pretend that she is marrying a ghost?'
"AITA if I ignore my sister's fiancé on their wedding day and pretend that she is marrying a ghost?"
So last year my sister's (32F) bf (42M) sent me (23M) drunk texts, testing the waters to see if I would flirt back. He claimed to miss me in an inappropriate way. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt by saying that maybe he doesn't mean this behavior in an inappropriate way, but then he doubled down by saying he did maybe mean it in an inappropriate way. He then went on about how he loved my hair, I smelled nice, etc.
I was very uncomfortable. He sent me a text the next day saying he was sorry because he was drunk but I said nothing back. Him being drunk is nothing new. He is an alcoholic, even openly drinking while driving. Him being sober would be surprising! Plus I stayed over their house just for one day and he drunkenly texted me this stuff at night 3 days later! So it wasn't like he got drunk the same night or the day after. This was on his mind days later.
I told my sister what happened privately in person. She said that this truly blindsided her as she thought that this month was actually going pretty great for their relationship. We looked at the timestamp of when he texted me that night and apparently he texted me that he missed me inappropriately while my sister was in the next room.
My sister was obviously heartbroken and started crying. She said that she doesn't think it's cheating, and neither do I, but it's definitely suspicious and weird. She told me that she won't bring it up that she knows about his drunk texts, but that she will mentally distance herself and slowly save up to eventually move out.
The next morning, my sister changed her mind. She talked with her bf and she said that they worked it out. But she clarified that I shouldn't worry because she doesn't believe everything he said. She just wants him to know that she knows. She said, "I guessed what his motivation for texting you was. That he also didn't mean it like that. But I read the texts and they were very inappropriate and I respect your decision.
We are on good terms but I have my eyes open and my heart protected." I got annoyed and said, "What do you mean by keeping your eyes open and heart protected? That means that you're going to second-guess everything he's going to do now? Are you really in love with him or are you just afraid of being alone?" She then said, "I really do love him! I don't want to throw away 5 years over some texts!"
We didn't talk much after that until recently they decided to get married. I will attend the wedding but I won't pretend to be happy. I won't frown or look mad in his direction, I will just ignore his existence. She claimed that I'm overreacting. That I shouldn't take some text messages so seriously as he never did anything like that to me after that.
Which is true, he never talked to me after that. She added that I should be there to support her on her big day. I said that I will support her. I will just ignore that he exists. I will pretend that she is marrying a ghost. She called me an ahole. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Dogmother123 said:
You are NTA but personally I wouldn't go. Attending suggests you support her marriage to an alcoholic who texts other people including his own partner's brother. What a shame she is marrying him. Make sure she knows the door is open if she needs to escape.
RoyalEquivalent2837 said:
NTA and I wouldn't even go. He's a 40 year old man hitting on his gf's 20 year old little brother, while his gf was in a room next to him. Your sister is a fool for staying with him but unfortunately you can't change that. So I would stay far away from his manipulative ass. You can support your sister from a safe distance and be there for her when he eventually get caught cheating on her.
EmpiricalRutabaga said:
NTA. It sounds like you should have a family intervention with your sister to stop the marriage.
SneakySneakySquirrel said:
NTA. I don’t think enough people in your life and on here are considering that you were harassed by someone close to you and that’s not the kind of thing you just get over. Have you gotten an apology (a real one, not just an attempt to cover his a#s the next morning)? I do think going to the wedding and ignoring him is going to come across as immature, but I can’t really fault you for that.
NarysFrigham said:
I’m stuck on the fact she was blindsided because “she thought that this month was actually going pretty great for their relationship” but yet she doesn’t want to “throw away 5 years over some texts!” Hold up. Sis finally thought she had 1 month of a healthy relationship in 5 years and finds out that during this supposed happy time her fiancé is inappropriate to her 20something little brother? What part of this is she not willing to throw away? Because honestly, it sounds like there is anything left worth holding on to.
AdPerfect5536 said:
NTA as someone who has experienced similar, if he can do that with a member of the family, he will certainly be doing it to other people behind her back. Please protect yourself and keep any communication out in the public so he can’t put a wedge further between you and your sister.
DifficultyKlutzy5845 said:
NTA but I’m going against the grain in thinking you should attend. It sounds like she is going to need all the support she can get in the future and allowing him to isolate her from her family is likely what he wants.