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'AITA if I tell everyone the truth about what's going on? It would ruin my husband's image.' UPDATED

'AITA if I tell everyone the truth about what's going on? It would ruin my husband's image.' UPDATED

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The truth has a way of coming out, it's just a matter of whether you want to usher it out yourself.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if it'd be inappropriate for her to tell family and friends about what he husband has been dealing with mentally. She wrote:

"WIBTA if I just tell everyone the truth about what is going on, even tho it would ruin my husband's image."

Okay, so my husband has been dealing with some major issues. We have not yet figured out what it is. But he has been like dealing with certain delusions. For example, it all started 6 months ago when he was convinced he had caught me cheating because he found a document saying so on my laptop. When I arrived home and he tried looking for it to show me, he obviously couldn't find it.

He is going to therapy, but as of right now, we are technically separated and living in different rooms. It's just because this keeps happening. A certain insecurity eats itself into my husband, and he becomes convinced that it's the truth. He either "dreams" proof or he just convinces himself that anything is proof. Idk what he does with the therapist. But I honestly don't see it getting better.

Last week, he was mad at our daughter (15) because she didn't want him to drive her to prom and make pictures with her. When I went to ask her, she said that that was not true. She had talked to her dad about what she would like to do when she graduates in 2 years. Her father just got really mad at the perceived Sligh.

The problem is that he keeps talking to people about the "issues." I was already wondering why so many mutuals stopped responding to me. But apparently, they all think I am an awful human being and terrible spouse. I just want to tell people what is going on. Also so they are aware that my husband is basically lying to them and for them to tell me delusions that he might be having that I don't know.

But at the very beginning of his therapy, he begged me not to tell anyone because people would think he is crazy. My sister said that it would also be an AH thing to do that would basically feed into his delusions. I just feel like I am done. AITA?

The internet was very opinionated and curious about the situation.

rstock1962 wrote:

Is this therapist also a psychiatrist? I’m by no means an expert but it sounds like therapy isn’t what he needs, and maybe the therapist actually believes what he is saying as well. I think a more aggressive approach is needed.

OP responded:

He doesn't trust me, so he doesn't tell me. I know he gets professional help because he introduced us. But as far as I know, its a therapist. Not a psychiatrist.

ceruleanfury- wrote:

So I'm assuming these are real ACTUAL delusions while giving this advice: First and foremost, if he hasnt yet, he has to see a neurologist, to rule out any physical causes (ie. brain tumour) And second: Can you have a therapy session with him and his therapist?

Tell them what is going on with your friends and family, and come up with a mutual solution? With the therapist there, they can help your husband see how this is affecting everyone. IMO this is really messy and could potentially devolve into a dangerous situation.

It's not fair to anyone involved. I think, if they are real delusions, I would need to tell those very close to us, only ones I knew loved him and would protect him. Ideally with him by my side, while I told them. BUT and a big one… I, would need to speak with him and his therapist about it first. This needs a professional delicate hand to guide it. You need help with this too.

You, at the very least need, someone (a friend or family member you can trust) to lean on, but you should also have a professional to talk to and help you cope with this. NTA. Just needs to be handled in an extremely delicate way, with much discernment, professional guidance, and love as humanly possible.

OP responded:

Obviously, I am not in the medical field. But I can't describe them as anything else. Mainly because we have not done any of the things he convinced himself of. For example. He was convinced our oldest daughter (19) was pregnant because she said no to sushi. She was just not in the mood for raw fish.

So my husband obviously became obsessed with the idea that our daughter was pregnant. He would go to full rants saying how dare she, we gave her everything etc.

autoroutpourfourmis wrote:

Please try and convince him to be seen by a crisis nurse in ER. If he will not seek help you need to protect yourself and your child and leave. Delusions are dangerous. He sounds paranoid. People who get like this need psychiatric intervention. They need meds. That is the only solution. If he still has love and trust in you, use that to your advantage.

If not, please tell his family and close friends what is happening so they can try and convince him to seek help. Even if they don't believe you at first, they will start to notice once you are out of the picture and he starts having more and more outlandish delusions. Protect yourself and your child.

OP jumped on to make a small update/clarification.

Edit: We already did a brain scan/MRI, and nothing was found.

And the comments and advice kept coming in.

KMRA wrote:

NTA. Keeping his secret is pushing your support network away because he's telling them his delusions. In order to take care of him, you need a functioning support network.

Perhaps you could talk to him about a few select friends you trust not to gossip and explain that he is asking you to carry the weight of his constant accusations alone and that it isn't possible for you. While I agree telling everyone isn't a good path, you need trusted friends you can talk to. That is an incredibly hard situation to live in.

newtonianlaws wrote:

NTA I’d word it like a public service announcement: hubby and I are currently separating as part of the process of divorcing. I’m asking all mutual friends to please look after him bc he is not okay, he is having trouble with reality vs paranoid fears, and I am no longer in a position to support him getting the help he needs.

No one is asking you to choose to remain friends with either him or me. I will always love him, as I know you do as well, but I can no longer stay married to him, thank you for your support to both of us.

unlovelyladybartleby wrote:

Hon, I used to work in adult mental health. Your husband isn't getting the help he needs, is escalating, and being in the same household with someone with persistent delusions is dangerous. You need to get your kids the f#$k out of that house before something happens. And he needs to see a medical doctor and a psychiatrist, not a therapist.

You are NTA for wanting to tell the truth, and you will be NTA when you do, but telling the truth while you're still sharing a home with him puts you and your kids in danger. Staying/allowing him to stay makes you an A H.

LalunaDomina wrote:

INFO: Is going to therapy together a possibility? Are you able to talk to his therapist about your growing wariness? What he's doing is not okay even if it's unintentional or not directly malicious. Ruining your reputation over his own delusions is not something your husband should be comfortable with either. He knows this is hurting you.

OP responded:

No, because he doesn't trust me, and he is scared that "I will win over the therapist yo put him away"

Similar_name4489 wrote:

NTA why should he be protected at your expense? That’s what it comes down to. He’s sacrificing your image and reputation to maintain his own, when his frankly is a ticking time bomb. He’s not actually getting the treatment he needs if he’s getting worse. Eventually his delusions would come out on someone else. Might as well protect yourself, rather than lose it for nothing anyway.

OP is definitely NTA here, this is just an incredibly painful situation.

Sources: Reddit
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