'AITA if I told my younger brother the real reason our family fell apart? He thinks it's mom's fault.'

"WIBTA if I told my brother the real reason our family fell apart?"

About 3 years ago, my (F21) parents split apart and are currently undertaking divorce proceedings. My brother (18M) is currently living with my dad while I live with my mum, with their houses only being about 20 mins away from one another.

Both my parents are very tense and are not civil during these proceedings. When they announced their divorce, I had learnt that my mum had an emotional affair for a few months and this had lead to the divorce.

This has lead my brother to blame my mother for ‘ruining the family’ and blaming her for the split of my family, and they are not currently speaking. However I know that my dad had a physical affair before this occurred and had heard him and his AP being physical in the house while my mother was home. However my dad does not know this information, or that I know he has cheated.

My father is currently blaming my mother for splitting the family apart and is one of the driving reasons for my brother not speaking to my mother, and says that she cheated on him (hypocrite!!) My question is WIBTA if i told my brother the real version of what happened? Some things to consider are:

• ⁠My parents are underway with divorce proceedings and if this causes many tensions between them this can cause financial stress between the both of them and my mum could lose lots of money.

• ⁠My mum is aware I know of the affair however is worried about any implications of telling anyone. • Many people who have ‘chosen’ my dad’s side in the divorce are aware of this.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Sheffster1 wrote:

Info: How big is your house for your dad to have his AP there while your mom is in the house without her knowing?

OP responded:

He had introduced her as friend and the AP had a partner at the time, my mother found out due to the AP’s partner telling her.

Fit_Welcome_8242 wrote:

"Heard him and his AP being physical in the house while my mother was home" So he brought a woman home, and had s#X with her in the house while your mother was home? How did he manage that without your brother or mom knowing about it? And since you heard it, it must have been loud. And your mother didn't know or find out?

OP responded:

It wasn’t s#$, they were making out in front of my room (near exit door) while a party was happening out the backyard. I had journaled it down at the time and years later, and when my mum admitted he had an affair I told her I heard him kiss the AP, she confirmed it was the same person he kissed that night.

ScarletNotThatOne wrote:

Probably should not tell while the divorce proceedings are ongoing, if doing so could hurt your mother financially. After that, though? I would tell. You're not obliged to keep anyone's secrets. And your brother is being lied to, that's not cool.

Entire_Preference_69 wrote:

NTA. I'd normally say stay out of relationship issues that aren't yours, but your parents have made their mess your problem, and it is now affecting your relationship with your brother.

A child has no moral obligation to lie to protect their parent, especially when it comes at the cost of their relationship with their sibling. I'd talk to your dad about how this is weighing on you and give him a chance to tell the truth first.

Happytreeau wrote:

NAH. I completely understand your urge to tell your brother. Both so he has all the information, to show the hypocrisy of your dad, and to encourage his relationship with your mum. And also - cos your dad is a dick and deserves to be exposed.

BUT. And it's a big but.

If telling him now hurts your mum, costs her her peace, her time, her money during the divorce (which it sounds like it could, from what she's saying) - hold fire. Protect your mum by keeping receipts and a slow burning rage burning, and tell him once your mum is clear of proceedings. Your mum is the major wronged party here (while being an imperfect human). Don't hurt her cause while trying to defend her.

flynena-3 wrote:

NTA. BUT...since you are concerned that it could possibly affect the financial outcome of the divorce for your mom, hold off on telling him until after the divorce is finalized. I know you want to get it off your chest and you want to clear the air now.

But if your mom wanted your brother to know now, she could choose to tell him herself. But she's not. I know you said she's worried about the implications of it getting out. I don't know if that means she's somehow embarrassed, which she shouldn't be because it's not like she's the one who did it, it was him. Or she's worried about how it will affect her in the divorce proceedings.

But either way, I do think your brother needs to know, and it is really her story to tell, so table it until after the divorce is finalized. Then ask your mom if she is going to tell him. If she says no or gives an excuse or kind of pushes it off like oh maybe at some point I don't know when type of thing...then at that point just tell him yourself. He deserves to know the truth.

And then if he needs some time to digest that or doesn't believe it at first, I guess that's on him to talk to your mom and talk to your dad and decide how he's going to handle it and proceed. But at least you will have given him the information at that point.

ShoppingSlight9544 wrote:

I don't think it's important for anybody to try to establish blame for the end of the marriage. Having gone through a divorce, there are no angels. Yes, the dad cheated. Yes, the mom had an emotional affair. The marriage is ending, so does it matter who's at fault I mean, really, they remain your parents, and there doesn't need to be a need to make it more divisive.

I think you need to try to help your brother overcome his feelings of trying to blame your mother and try to get him to be mature enough to understand that relationships end sometimes.

I suggest not being in any rush to reveal this to your brother and NTA if you do end up telling him but it seems like he's the absolute last person in the world to know in any event so you certainly would not be the a-hole it just sounds like your brother is a little bit delicate about the situation understandably.