'AITA for not letting my ex's wife be an equal parent to my kids because she can't have her own?'
"AITA for ignoring my ex's request for a sit down talk between him, his wife and me?"
AnnieD09010 writes:
I (31F) have two kids (11 and 9) with my ex (33M). We were never married and our relationship was never very good, so breaking up was not the worst thing that could have happened. For a while, I was surprised that he left first. I always suspected his wife (32F) was around before he left me.
I know the two of them told me they were a couple less than five months after we broke up, and in that same conversation they told me they were a team and that everything going forward had to include her because the kids would know her as their second mom. They told me to get used to hearing her called “mom” because they would not stop it and would actively encourage it.
I brought them to court, and the judge added a clause about calling a stepparent or partner “mom” or “dad.” This made them angry, but they still tried to show off what they could do as a couple for the kids that I could not as a single mom.
My ex’s wife also told me that she would be the mother to their other siblings and that she was going to give my ex a bunch of babies to win the kids over even more. She said she would be the preferred mom even if they never called her that. Or, she said, maybe they would call her that and my kids would hate me for separating them if I got jealous.
I spent many years documenting things and trying to stay calm for the sake of my kids. We used a co-parenting app for communication, and they still sent messages through it about how she would be favored and things like that. They were scolded several times over it. A few years ago, I put my kids in therapy because I knew they were picking up on the issues between the adults.
My ex’s wife never got pregnant. I know this will sound petty, but it made me happy after all the gloating about how the kids would prefer her because she would give them more siblings. For a while, I noticed she was looking more and more depressed and desperate when no babies seemed to be on the way.
Around July of last year, my ex told me the kids would be with me for longer and that he would work out a make-up schedule later. Six weeks later, I found out his wife had tried to take her own life and was in the hospital.
It was triggered by the news that she could not have biological children. She and my ex also told people that it was made worse by my son not drawing her in a picture of his family that same day at summer camp.
I filed with the courts for a temporary change in the custody agreement, and it was granted. She had to complete certain steps before the kids could go back into the house with her. My ex and his wife were unhappy, but since they had used my kids as part of the excuse, I did not want to take any chances. She completed all the steps, and custody was returned to 50/50 in February of this year.
In June, my ex suggested the three of us sit down and talk things through. I told him anything that needed to be said could be done via the app. He said face-to-face was better and that they wanted to improve the relationships so she could be an equal parent and family member to the kids. Both of them started sharing details about her inability to have biological children and how it hurts her to know the kids do not see her as family.
They said they wanted us to put away the animosity so we could all be present for the kids, and that she realizes it will not happen while she hates me and wishes I would give the kids to her. I started ignoring the requests after first saying no because I do not think it will be a good idea and I do not trust them. They do not want us to do it over the app.
Fortunately, everything is in the app, including some concerning comments about hoping I will let go of the “no calling a stepparent or partner mom or dad” rule and things like that. When I did not reply and agree to meet up, my ex started saying I was not putting the kids first and that I needed to stop using everything against them in court. AITA?
People responded to OP's post.
Flimsy-Surprise8234 says:
NTA and if they don’t want their actions to come up in court, they should stop doing obnoxious things that an authority figure can see are wrong.
OP responded:
I wanted to reply with that but I have decided not to engage unless it's actually something important to do with the kids. That stops any escalation and shows the court I'm not engaging in petty fighting.
MotherOfSweethearts says:
NTA. I don't think there's any coming back after that behavior. You're also not guilty of letting your children down despite what your ex is saying as it's in the children's best interest to not be around such an unstable person/people. Good call not meeting in person. They've proven themselves untrustworthy and horrid people. Keep communication strictly through the app.
OP responded:
Thanks. I'm aware that it would be harder to document what happens if we did meet face to face which is my number one reason to avoid it. They could even pretend I attacked her so they could get custody. You hear of that kind of thing when people are desperate enough.