I (32M) was married to my ex-wife, Jane (30F), for five years. Our marriage ended after I discovered she had been cheating on me for about a year with multiple men. She got pregnant and confessed that she doesn't know if the baby was mine or her affair partners.
A couple of months after the divorce I tried to reach out to her to see if the baby was mine but couldn't and I learned through a friend she and her new partner had left the country. That was 2 years ago and I thought that was that.
Recently, Jane reached out to my mother claiming that her kid is mine and in need of financial help. Jane told my mother that her partner left her when he found out the kid is not his. Now for context my mother has been desperate for grand kids, especially since my older brother is gay and child-free, and I've been single since the divorce.
She's been relentless in pressuring me to help out Jane. However, I have my doubts given her infidelity, I find it hard to trust her claims without concrete evidence. So I've insisted on a paternity test before committing to any financial or emotional support.
If the child is indeed mine, I'll gladly step up and fulfill my responsibilities as a father. But I refuse to do so without proper legal documentation. My mother and Jane are both vehemently against the idea of involving lawyers or going through the legal process. They insist that the child is mine based on similar resemblances, like having blue eyes, which I have but Jane has blue eyes as well.
This issue came to a head when my mother posted a picture on facebook of her and the kid titled My Grandson. Now family members and some friends know about this issue and are contacting me. When I tell them I don't know if the kid is mine and want to do a paternity test they are calling me selfish and irresponsible.
My family members are saying my mother will only say that because she is sure that the kid is mine. My friends says I am an ahole for punishing the kid for what my ex wife did.
There is a chance the kid is mine but but I can't shake off my doubts, and I refuse to be manipulated into a situation where I might end up responsible for a child who may not be mine. I'm willing to do what's right, but I need certainty first. But its driving me crazy with so many people close to me saying I should just take responsibility.
My older brother is the only one who is on my side and he thinks its because my mother has accepted the kid that others are willing to accept it too and because of family bonds which are major thing here. But I am standing firm on my decision to do a paternity test.
NTA, DNA test or nothing. It's crazy to think you'd just step in and take over a parental role based on your lying ex's claim.
NTA. Get that paternity test before committing to anything. It’s ridiculous that your ex thought you’d just take her for her word after cheating on you and leaving the country with her new partner. Your family can step up and financially support the child if they feel so strongly about it. You shouldn’t unless she agrees to a paternity test.
"It's unfair and selfish TO THE BABY ?!?!?! WTF??? Who cares? Until such time as evidence is provided proving you ARE the father, then it's not your job to be "fair and selfless" to the baby, because it's NOT YOUR BABY...
What is unfair is that the baby's mother is whore, and what is selfish is that your family and the baby mama are boundary stomping ingrates trying to force you into a situation that isn't yours to take up. NTA.
NTA. Ask your mom this, if the kid isn’t yours what then? She won’t have that grandson she so desperately coverts. Tell your mom that you will only agree to help out Jane if a test is done and the kid is yours and only that. She’s only reaching because the other guys either blocked her or she hasn’t contacted them but thinks you’re an easy target.
NTA. When in doubt (which is reasonable in this situation), get a test. You're not wrong for that. You can't control your mother, but you can add a comment to give necessary context. You're not being mean.
You're being pragmatic. You don't know whether he's yours, so you're going to do a test. That's not an insult to the kid, it's protection for you. You'd only be 'mean' and 'punishing a kid because of his mother' if it turned out he was yours and you denied him. That's mean. This isn't.
NTA." She got pregnant and confessed that she doesn't know if the baby was mine or her affair partners" she herself said she did not know who is dad.