'I've stopped cleaning to make a point to my wife about how much I do around the house. AITA?'
"AITA I've stopped cleaning to make a point?"
For context, my wife and I are in our mid-20s and have been married for 8 years (yes, we got married young). We both work full-time. For pretty much the entire time we’ve lived together, I’ve done the majority of the cleaning. I’d estimate around 90 percent.
That includes dishes, laundry, vacuuming, the bathroom, organizing, trash, basically everything. Laundry is definitely bad for her. She will let the clothes stack 4 feet high and not do it for a month to two months. She'll also make random clothes piles throughout the house and let them sit indefinitely until I pick them up.
I also take care of all the mowing and lawn maintenance. So, it’s not just the inside of the house. It’s the outside too. What makes it even more frustrating is that most of the cleaning I do involves picking up after her. I tend to clean up after myself right away, so I’m rarely dealing with my own mess. That means the cleaning I do takes even longer, because I’m essentially handling two people’s responsibilities.
I’ve brought this up many times over the years. She always gets defensive, and says she cleans just as much as me (this part does anger me a bit). I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose, but I’m burned out. So, I stopped. I’m still taking care of my own stuff, but I’m no longer cleaning up after her. It’s been about 3 days, and the house is already getting pretty messy. She hasn’t said anything, but I know she’s noticed.
I’m not trying to be passive-aggressive or start a fight. I just want the imbalance to be visible so we can actually address it in a meaningful way. AITA for doing this? I'm just so exhausted at this point. If the cleaning issue was gone our relationship would be perfect in every way. She really is my best friend.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
IAmIrene wrote:
NTA. Sometimes the best way to show someone how lopsided things are is to demonstrate very practically exactly that. I've gone on a cleaning strike before and it only took one week for my family to realize how much I was doing and how much of a mess they were leaving for me.
Things changed after that, lol. :)
When she asks you why the house is so messy you can honestly say that you've been picking up after yourself...it wouldn't be messy if she did the same.
OP responded:
I'm glad it worked out for you. I'm hoping it will help show her in "physical terms" instead of me saying it to her.
flyinb11 wrote:
The other side is, often the mess doesn't bother them and you'll just end up more frustrated and with more to clean once you finally break.
OP responded:
I have also had that in the back of my mind. I'm really hoping it will come down to a healthy resolution and we both can do it together. But I'm afraid of now having to spend a whole weekend cleaning.
Fall_Relic wrote:
NTA. The only thing I’d say against this is that you should’ve been upfront and telling her that you would no longer be cleaning up her messes, instead of just being silently passive aggressive about it. But yeah, good for you for taking a stand.
Gracelesswonder wrote:
I'm in between on this one. I really do get it. My husband was horrible about cleaning for years until I got an injury that prohibited me from doing much. It was a little come to Jesus for him that no, he wasn't doing the things he thought he was, and he has since been a lot better about these things.
That said, passive aggressively doing anything always runs the risk of being taken as just that: aggressive. Not sure what the solution is, but I'd be careful with where you're going right now.
macearoni wrote:
NTA. I don’t want to assume your gender or relationship, but I would be willing to bet that if this was a woman complaining about a man not doing work, no one would care about the “passive aggressive” part. I honestly don’t think it’s passive aggressive at all. You’ve had conversations and you are now at your limit. What more is there to do?
Crimson_Knight004 wrote:
NTA. I think it would’ve been best to communicate that you were going to stop cleaning up after her first as others have said, but it’s not like this is coming out of left field for her. You’ve communicated your dissatisfaction for years with her and she’s refused to hear you, so I don’t blame you or think you’re an AH just because you didn’t preface this decision by telling her.
She has refused to address this or work with you, leaving it all to you. So she doesn’t really get to be upset when you suddenly stop doing the extra labor she dumped on you. Not everyone does everything “perfectly” all the time, so OP doesn’t deserve to be called passive-aggressive or wrong for resorting to this when they’ve clearly communicated prior to this.
Main-Feature-1829 wrote:
NTA. Sometimes they need to see this to understand. If she does clean after the house is a complete pigsty....then start treating her like a child and throw her stuff out. (Or black bag it and store it away...pretend it has been thrown away). S#$t will change. I did this with my husband. I am a SAHM, we homeschool, and live an hour away from everything...grocery stores, hardware stores, etc.
So on top of homeschooling, I make everything from scratch (health reasons), I garden, I cook, I clean, I do 100% of the mowing/yard work, food preservations, laundry, etc. On days I have to leave home, the house gets a little messy, but I make up for it the next day.
My husband, being ex-military, gets a stick up his butt about certain things. And when the house is clean BUT LIVED IN, he sometimes calls it a mess and nags me.
I got tired of it, so I stopped for a week and he saw how much I do, and if I fall behind, its literally because I was simply too busy.
If he sees a laundry pile, he simply puts it in the wash instead of complaining. Yes, he helps. But I don't expect him to do much because he works 12-16 hour days depending on the day. Anyways, the point being, NTA. And if not cleaning isn't sending a good enough message... then bag up her s#$t.