'AITA for just refusing to cook for my wife at this point? She is always complaining.' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for just refusing to cook for my wife at this point?"

I am 39 and male. My wife, Jennifer, is 37. We have been married for eight years, and we have two children. I work full-time, and Jennifer is a SAHM. She’s a wonderful mother to our children, but one thing that she does not like to do is cook. This works out just fine for me, as I generally get off work by 4:30, and I happen to be a phenomenal cook.

My father was a chef, and I’ve been cooking since I was ten years old. I also worked as a line cook for several years. Virtually everyone loves my cooking. When we have company, it gets rave reviews. Our children always ask for seconds. I put a lot into it, and I take pride in my cooking skills.

The only person who doesn’t like it is Jennifer. She complains endlessly. “Too salty.” “Too much pepper.” “This is undercooked.” She also backseat cooks a lot, where I’ll be in the kitchen making something, and she won’t shut up about what I should be doing differently.

The worst part, though, is that she’ll frequently insult my cooking and then go get garbage like a Hot Pocket or a frozen dinner from the freezer. Last Wednesday, I made Salisbury steaks with mushroom gravy, cream cheese mashed potatoes, and roasted asparagus.

When I put Jennifer’s plate in front of her, she made a disgusted face. She poked at her Salisbury steak for a few seconds and took the tiniest bite imaginable. She then made an exaggerated retching sound, dramatically threw her fork on the plate, and went to heat up a microwave burrito.

I just snapped. I didn’t say anything at the time because our children were there, but I was completely done. The next day, I made teriyaki bowls with broccoli. Jennifer sat at the table waiting for hers, and I informed her that I was done cooking for her. When she asked why, I told her it’s a waste of food, and that she should just go have a Hot Pocket.

Jennifer is furious that I won’t cook for her, and she says that instead of giving up, I should try a bit harder. I think she should just subsist on whatever microwaveable slop she likes and stop complaining. Did I escalate too much here?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

QuietRiot72310 wrote:

NTA. Did you marry a five-year-old? .She behaved like a child. If you are not willing to do something, you don’t get to complain about the people that do. In my house, whoever is cooking, makes what they make, and everybody else shuts the f--k up and eats it. If you honestly can’t eat it for some reason, you thank the person for making the meal and then make yourself something quietly and politely.

NoZookeepergame9552 wrote:

NTA - the retching sound and throwing of the fork deserves the cut off without any other discussion, as you are still cooking for the kids and bc your kids should know that that kind of rudeness is not acceptable and comes with reasonable consequences.

gray_bluegrrl wrote:

The first time someone makes a negative comment about your food, you should always let them know that they are free to cook the next meal. And they don't have to eat anything you ever cook again. That usually stops a long term sh--ty attitude that makes you grind your teeth. She is jealous, petty and needs to learn to shut her mouth.

IAmanNPCsowhat wrote:

NTA. She created this dynamic. Just make sure you and your babies are fed. She doesn't deserve your food, especially since she's being negative on purpose.

OP responded:

One thing that I take very seriously is how my boys eat. My wife and I are very fortunate to be able to afford good ingredients, so I spend probably more than necessary on food for them. My older boy says he always looks forward to his lunchbox at kindergarten!

Hurt-Locker-Fan wrote:

It is really not about the food. All these years of cooking by an expert and she NEVER happened to like a single dish???? Bottom line is she likes tearing him down. She knows he is passionate about cooking and takes pride in it and everyone loves his cooking. So she wants to shit on the one thing he loves. She is a mean nasty negative b--ch. OP, show this to her.

wasting_time0909 wrote:

So wait, she's a SAHM who doesn't cook but then dares to act like a child when you get home from work and cook a meal for your family? You need to have a real world talk with her including how poorly she's behaving in front of your children. Either she needs to shut up and eat the food you prepare for her or she needs to taking cooking classes and put her money where her mouth is. NTA.

purplespaghetty wrote:

How can she be an “amazing” mom yet be such a sh--ty wife?? I don’t understand posts like this. I get that in some circumstances, but this is not one of them. She’s teaching the kids they don’t have to eat what’s served, moreover that they don’t have to be polite either. Sounds like a great momma!

OP responded:

This is virtually the only thing she does that bothers me. It's always about food.

Also, she can talk sh-t if she wants, but my boys know what's good. I know this sounds sad, but they're kind of used to her complaining, and they tune it out now.

Tricky-Piece8005 wrote:

Hey, any chance you could cook for me? I’ll appreciate it. I’m a decent cook, but I’m looking for someone else to cook for the kids and me 😉

Anyway, yeah. Tell her to cook for herself.

OP responded:

Geographically, that might be hard, but I strongly urge you to pick up some new recipes and try them if you can! Making something delicious and eating it is one of the biggest joys I can imagine.

Kyra_Heiker wrote:

She sounds incredibly jealous of the fact that you can cook and that you get rave reviews and that your children eat it all without complaint. Tell her to get therapy for her insecurity because it is affecting your marriage. Don't cook her anything until she agrees and apologizes. NTA.

Six weeks later, OP shared an update.

About a month ago, I posted here about something that happened over dinner one night. My wife, Jennifer, literally retched at my cooking, despite taking the tiniest bite imaginable. After that, I refused to cook for her, which made her very angry. It was this bizarre disconnect between her thinking my food was trash not fit for a compost bin, but her demanding that I continue making it for her anyway.

I was hesitant to update because for some reason beyond my understanding, I received about a dozen hate-filled direct messages after my last post. They were all being sent from users of a parody community of this. I have no idea what I did to make so many people upset, but a lot of people have asked me for an update, so I figured I'd give one.

Anyway. The last month has been really eye-opening for me. I had long ago noticed that Jennifer was highly critical of my cooking, but over this time, I've come to realize that she's really critical of just about everything that I do. For example, two weeks ago, I was walking outside with her. I'm pigeon-toed, and have been since I was a baby, although it's a lot better now.

Jennifer asked why I was walking with my toes slightly pointed in, and when I explained to her that I'm pigeon-toed, she responded in an exasperated tone,

"...Why don't you just try walking with your feet straight?"

Yes. Thank you. My literal bone issue was just magically cured by your advice.

I never realized that the answer to something I have suffered from for nearly 40 years was staring me right in the face. At least now if I know I ever get cancer, I can just get rid of it by deciding not to have cancer.

You see, I never really noticed how critical she is towards me on virtually everything I do. She's just more forward about my cooking. For example, when she walks into my home office, she always scrunches up her face in this really displeased way. I don't think she likes the interior (which I designed), because she wants nothing but white and gray in every room in the house.

Whenever I try to do the laundry, she'll hear me open the washing machine door and beeline over to backseat me through the whole process. This is coming from a woman who once ruined a $1,500 suit of mine because she thought bleach would be the perfect stain remover, by the way.

When I was explaining an issue I had with my colleague to her, she took my colleague's side despite her being objectively in the wrong from an industry standpoint. My wife was adamant though. I must have been the one to screw things up. I'm honestly just exhausted. The criticism of my cooking was the worst, yes, but it really just overshadowed everything else she always found fault with me on.

I tried to have a conversation with her, and naturally she denied doing anything of the sort, denied ever being rude to me, and even denied retching at my food. She actually tried to gaslight me here. She kept asking me questions like "When did I do that? Tell me the date."

Then she called me a hypocrite for being critical of her, hijacked the conversation, and eventually stonewalled me. I've come to realize that I don't really like my wife anymore. She's just such a negative person. It makes me sad, but in the next few days, I'm going to ask her for a divorce.

She's not going to like it, but I've come to realize that when she walks into a room I'm in, I get anxious about what she's going to say to me. Thank you for all your comments. I also apologize if this was long-winded. My marriage is falling apart and I'm not in the best headspace right now.

The internet had OP's back.

rong-rite wrote:

You don’t ASK your wife for a divorce. You see a lawyer, and go through the process.

optix_clear responded:

Oh this is sound advice. Move money around move it to another account at a new bank. Start preparing for a divorce, declutter your lives. Order meal plan Factor those are great. Hello has gotten better.

Move important paperwork passport, financial documents birth certificate, social security card into a safety deposit box at the bank. Whatever you want to keep put into storage unit. She will ask what’s decluttering. When you are ready to deliver papers, change all passwords to shared accounts.

OP responded:

Thank you, I'll talk to a lawyer first.

mariaperex06 wrote:

NTA. It sounds like your wife is not only critical of your cooking but of almost everything you do. That constant criticism, especially when it's done in a way that undermines your self-esteem, is a form of emotional abuse. It’s one thing to voice a concern, but the way she gaslights you and denies everything sounds like she's unwilling to take responsibility for her actions.

Jokester_316 wrote:

NTA. It sounds like she used DARVO on you. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim for Offender. Look it up. It might explain a lot about her behaviors. Some of the verbal abuse you described sounds as if she may be on the spectrum for narcissism. You will start to feel better when you separate. You won't be walking on eggshells waiting for her next attack. Put your mental health first.

cuddlyxroosy wrote:

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds emotionally exhausting, and it’s understandable you’re at your breaking point. If you’ve tried to address the issues and been met with denial or manipulation, prioritizing your well-being is key. If you’re considering a divorce, it might be helpful to have support and prepare for the next steps. You deserve peace, not constant criticism.