'AITA for keeping a relationship with my brothers ex wife when they have two kids together?'
"AITA for keeping a relationship with my brothers ex wife when they have two kids together?"
My brother was married to his wife for 14 years and has two boys together (10 and 12). Their marriage struggled a lot, but they made it last for that long. I became super close with his wife and she was a wonderful wife and mother to him.
I know for a fact my brother cheated on her in the past even though he won’t admit it to me. I’m also 99% sure he left his wife for his current girlfriend although he won’t admit that either. The divorce has been nasty and restraining orders against him have been in place and everything. They can only speak about the boys.
Recently myself (aunt of the boys) and my mother (grandmother of the boys) made plans to get together with the children and the ex-wife. These plans included staying the night at our house because they live out of town.
My brother found out and blew up, was super pissed off but we were firm that this was not fair for the children and the kids deserve to see everyone get along for their sake. My brother talks dirt about their mother often, even in front of them, and we always vowed to not take sides for the sake of the kids.
Of course everything escalated. Our other sibling called me basically telling me we were terrible, how it was selfish to do this to our brother and how dare we pick the ex over family.
Basically I was told we were POS for choosing the children over everything else and neither of my siblings see it as compassion for the kids. At this the family is split and my brother wants nothing to do with us and neither does my other siblings apparently.
AITA for this letting my brothers ex wife stay at our house with the kids? Should we not have any sort of relationship with her? In my mind it’s best for the kids to see each side of the family get along and not hate eachother. The divorce has been very traumatizing for both of them.
ETA: I want to thank everyone who commented on this and gave me reassurance that we did the right thing here and severing ties with my brother isn’t the end of the world. I’m so disappointed at the behavior of him and our other sibling.
Unfortunately, they will only associate themselves with people that are on their side 100% of the time and support them to the bitter end. This happens with all of their friendships and everything.
However, I’m the person that will tell you when I feel like you may be leaning on the wrong side a bit, and urge people to see the other point of view, and it’s always out of pure love. Regardless, it’s okay if we’re the bad guys here.
Children always come first no matter what and I’ll be their ride or die forever. One day kids will figure it out and I hope when that happens, they know we were always on their side, because they matter the most.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your brother can't claim any moral high ground, past or present, and he's actively engaging in parental alienation by badmouthing his ex in front of their kids. You and your mother being neutral for the benefit of the kids is what should be happening, rather than putting the kids in the middle of hostilities. Document as much as you can for the inevitable custody hearing, your SIL needs all the support she can get.
“Sorry that I’m better at maintaining a mature, civil relationship with your ex than you, bro. That’s really crappy for you. It must be tough not knowing how to be pleasant. May I suggest therapy?” NTA.
NTA. Your mom and you need to keep the relationship with his ex because at the rate he's going he'll lose visitation with the kids. You don't want to never see your nephews again. Those who don't see that he was a crappy husband and is being an even crappier co parent. Can mind their own business!!
You are NTA. He absolutely is. I had something similar with my ex. I left him when I was pregnant with our youngest. His parents lived 300 miles away and were disabled and sick. They could just as easily visit me, as I could them.
When they visited, it was usually for a day or overnight. When I visited, it was usually for a weekend (single parent going to school and working). I told them that when I left my ex, it was important that they still be able to see the grandkids.
NTA. Your brother is a real piece of work. You're mom must be really disappointed in him.
You're NTA. You're acting like a reasonable adult and letting the kids know there are people who won't try to force them to choose sides in their family.
NTA I hate my bffs wife with a passion but I don't slag her off around her kid. And I'd clip my BFF round the ear if he ever did. That alone means I don't blame you for keeping a relationship with the ex. She's obviously the more mature between the 2. And it's for the children not his ego.
Your brother is the ass. You and your mom are doing what's right for everyone innocent in this situation. Try to ignore the haters.
OP: the rest of your family sucks. Like so much. Immature and childish to the core. You and your mother are best left to your own lives and cut out the toxicity. NTA.
NTA. You’re absolutely in the right here. As a child of divorce myself, I really appreciate that I got to see both sides of my family often.