'AITA for kicking my fiancé out after 'joking' he got me pregnant on purpose?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for kicking my fiancé out after “joking” he got me pregnant on purpose?"

I (23f) have been with my fiancé (26m) for 3 years, we met whilst I was on holiday and a few weeks after, he followed me on instagram and the rest is history. We got engaged last year and a month later found out I was pregnant. We have a beautiful 6 month old.

We hosted Thanksgiving this year and my fiancé was drinking quite heavily and after dinner me and my mom were talking about the wedding, which my parents are paying for, I over heard my fiancé tell my brother who was just as dr-nk as him that “he needed to tie me down and get me pregnant before I realised what a d-ckhead he was."

They laughed it off but it rubbed me the wrong way because our baby was not planned. I wasn’t ready for a child and we were using protection but after a few instances where the rubber broke I decided it would be safer if I got on birth control. The first month on bc I got pregnant, we were told that could happen and he said he would pull out to be safe but I still got pregnant.

I was scared asf but I personally didn’t want to get an abortion (I 100% believe in the right to get an abortion I just didn’t want one) and so decided to keep the baby. I work for my dad’s company and my fiancé works at a country club money wasn’t necessarily why I didn’t want a baby I just wanted to do more before I started a family.

I spoke to my fiancé about what he said and at first he said he didn’t remember saying it which was believable because of how drunk he was but then he said it was just a joke and it was meant as a compliment because I’m so amazing. So I said okay good because we’re getting a prenup- I was just joking but I was also wanted to see how he reacted and he was pissed!

He said why the f--k would he sign a prenup that we have a baby together, a house together and that he would not sign one, how we wouldn’t need one because we’re never separating and that me mentioning a prenup is insulting and emasculating. I never felt threatened or anything like that but he did make me uncomfortable and he woke our baby up so I told him to leave which he did.

The day after I kicked my him out he sent me a long apologetic message about how it was out of character of him to get loud which it was he’s never acted like that before and I replied saying I appreciate the apology but I still just need a day or two to think everything through.

The next day he sent a bouquet to the apartment, Sunday he sent me a booking confirmation of a massage he booked for me at the club and offered to come over to watch our son and cook dinner. Tonight he’s sent me a message saying that I’m being an a-hole and that I’m taking a meaningless joke to heart and that he’s wasting money he could be saving for the wedding on the hotel.

But now things that went over my head before, I’m starting to think is sus but breaking up my family over this doesn’t seem right. Am I overthinking this/ being an a-hole?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: A lot of people were asking for context, when I said I wanted a prenup at the time i wasn’t being serious maybe I was being an AM trying to get a reaction but based on the 3yrs we’ve been together I would’ve never imagined he’d react the way he did. Why did the joke bother me so much, about a yr ago he lost his job.

He was never really clear why, for the next 3/4 months he didn’t really do much he said he’s was trying to figure out what he wanted to do next and that was the first time he brought up having kids indicating that he was ready, we had a candid conversation on my part about how I want kids just not anytime soon.

I enjoy my job, I had trips planned and i wanted to be married first he agreed with me that we should wait 3/4 years. My dad's company got a contract at the club which is how he got his job there.

But during the time he was out of work my girls would joke that he’s a stay at home boyfriend and that I’m the provider and he’d be a stay at home dad because I was paying the bills/ rent by myself which at the time didn’t bother me I used to live there by myself before we got together so it wasn’t a big deal but I guess it was them that first made me question.

Tbh I don’t know how long the c-nd-ms were breaking a lot of people are saying they’ve never had them break and I can’t say I remember it ever happening before. I noticed the first time that it looked like it had split and then I checked it the next time that was also broken which is when I decided to get an IUD.

Which he didn’t want me to, but I stood my ground and we compromised and i got on the pill. I know we should of continued using protection but he said he’d ran out and that I’m on the pill and don’t need them, In hindsight yes I should have insisted we still used them but I choose not to have that battle, I thought we’d be okay.

He knew my opinion on ab-rtion and that I wouldn’t get one, if I got pregnant I would raise the baby unless it was for a medical reason. Money wise my family’s successful. I work for my dad’s company I have 2 trust funds one of which I got at 18. Before I fell pregnant I was making plans to start my own house flipping business but I decided to put that on hold.

I still work from home on flexible hours but he’s said once we’re married he wants me to stop working so I can focus on our kids and that he’ll support us but I’ve never really liked that idea mainly because, although I’ve never had to worry about money my parents always taught us the importance of financial stability and my moms always said to never be financially dependent on anyone.

Plus my fiancés current salary I’m not sure would cover all of our expenses. The only reason why I haven’t told my dad is because they have a good relationship and I don’t wanna blow everything up over an overreaction on my part.

The internet did not hold back one tiny bit.

Odd-Preparation-472 wrote:

I agree with other commenters. Perusing a prenup seriously (which you 1000% should do anyway) will give away how much of a “joke” your ties together are. Prenups protect BOTH parties. When you talk, I think you should ask him what his real, serious issue is with a pre-nup, especially if it would also protect his assets in the case of separation.

If you are never going to separate, then why would having one even make a difference to him? He should feel so confident in his ability to love you and make this relationship last, that some hypothetical future where you aren’t together isn’t even a concern.NTA, not overthinking. The time to talk about finances together and your future is NOW, not after the wedding.

lilhappypumpkin1020 wrote:

NTA. He is love bombing you. Make a prenup mandatory. Along with anger management and couples therapy if you choose to stay with him, Dont add him to any documents. What is your is yours. Make a trust to your kids inheritance and have someone other than him be in charge of it. Talk to your dad see what he says.

ArreniaQ wrote:

You work for your father's company. You absolutely need a prenup that states that any interest in your father's company is not his.

Does your father have an attorney? Meet with the attorney, go over your assets and let the attorney decide if you need a prenup.

Honestly that statement "we are never breaking up" is not romantic, it's frightening. What he is saying is that he doesn't intend to LET you leave. There are men who will kill before they let a woman leave them.

Think carefully here: You are living in YOUR apartment, what happened to HIS apartment? Did he know about the family business when you started dating? Maybe I'm too cynical and suspicious but this does not sound good. The old Romans had a saying "In wine is truth" He wasn't joking!

Outside-Fennel wrote:

C-nd-ms don't break that easily. In fact you could really go crazy with them and they won't break. There has to be intentional sabotage, or maybe they were soooo old, like he bought them when he was 5 old, that they tore. As soon as you said it I questioned everything about him. I wouldn't have put it past him to have sabotaged your birth control as well. What were you using for birth control?

NYCStoryteller wrote:

NTA. You absolutely should not marry this man. I hope that the house is in your name alone and that you can afford it on your own.

If you do (stupidly, in my opinion) take him back, you really better not marry him without a pre-nup and pre-marital counseling. If you've jointly put money down on the house, you need to document that shit and have a plan for who gets the house/how the other person will be bought out.

A few days later, OP shared another update.

I 23f made a post last week about a joke my fiancé (26m) made at thanksgiving while drunk, to everyone that hasn’t seen my older post. He joked that he got me pregnant to tie me down and I didn’t know what to make of it, so I posted on here to get outside opinions.

I didn’t want to initially talk to my friends or family about it because they’re all quite close to him and I didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill and cause drifts in there relationships.

Yesterday we had a conversation about where I was at, but he said he couldn’t go back to the hotel because they kicked him out for smoking in the room. He stopped smoking while I was pregnant but he said I was stressing him out, so he had to stay at the apartment. While I was on the phone to one of my girls in the bedroom he came in and took the phone off me and told me to come and eat.

While we was eating he said that he understood what I said and that things need to change for us to move forward he then proceeded to list all the things I needed to do to make things better, his tone the whole conversation was just making me uneasy. I texted my dad saying that he was making me uncomfortable when he wasn’t looking.

I went to check on the baby and when I came back I saw him take my keys out my purse but didn’t say anything. He took my silence as agreement to everything he said and went to bed (instead of the couch like we had agreed) like everything was normal I stayed in the living room and my dad bless him drove 6 hours to come and get us.

My dad got to the apartment around 5 this morning while my fiancé was still sleeping and we left. Me and my son are at my parents house now, my fiancés been blowing up my phone since this morning I sent a text to him as we were driving off saying he wasn’t respecting the fact that I needed space and time to just figure everything out, so he could stay in the apartment and I’ll stay at my parents.

We haven’t officially broken up or called the wedding off my parents who’ve paid for it have said that they don’t care if I wanna call it off but I feel bad. But I just wanna say thank you to everyone who replied to my original post and private messaged me I didn’t think people would care about me.

I feel like every option I have is bad, the thought of being a single mom is scary, if my fiancé's behaviour gets worse that would be s--t, if we cancel the wedding and cost my parents thousands of dollars I’ll feel guilty and if we break up all together we just got a house together we’re both on the mortgage, our joint accounts and I’ve been with him since I was 19 being without him for good is also scary.

The internet contined to be invested in OP's experience.

Bearliz wrote:

NTA. It was very worrisome he took your car keys. He's also very controlling. There's a lot of red flags. His comments about getting you pregnant and how everything is your fault and you need to change goe the better. You're young and shouldn't waste your life on something you will regret. He will not change because, in his view, you're the one who needs to shape up.

KitterKatt wrote:

Do NOT feel guilty about stuff that can be replaced or remade. Money? Not a problem. Canceling the wedding? Embarrassing for HIM because you know why you need to leave. He physically ripped the phone away from you, took your keys, and was absolutely being abusive and throwing all the red flags you needed to get your dad to get you out.

YOU AND YOUR BABIES SAFETY IS TOP PRIORITY. If you go back to him you would then have a right to feel guilty putting you and your child in harms way. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. Get your father and p-lice to show up at the apartment with you to retrieve your stuff. Go to court for child support/custody.

Do not give him a chance to get more vi-lent and controlling. Please OP you only have one life, do you want this to be your life 20 years down the road? He admitted exactly why he got you pregnant and you SHOULD take it at face value with everything else he's showing you. He thinks he has you trapped and you need to prove him wrong.

HerefromFB wrote:

OP if you go back, he will make it harder for you to leave again. You seem to be coming to the realization that this is not a healthy partner and I hope you follow that intuition. Listen to your parents when they say it’s okay not to go through with the wedding!

Your dad drove 6 hrs for you on the fly and your mom has taught you to never be financially reliant on someone- those are parents who just want their daughter safe. Do not go back without someone with you!

I genuinely believe your fiancé is not safe for you to be alone with. And if you for some reason choose to stay, fight tooth and nail for that prenup. But I do think you and the baby need to get out.

davdkayaus wrote:

Your shouldn't feel bad for him: his behavior is showing that what he said while dr-nk was the truth. Tell your parents to cancel everything now, they'll get more money back this way. The money your parent save can be used on a lawyer who will show you how best to disentangle yourself from him financially and legally.

Three weeks later, OP shared another update.

I (23f) made a post on here about my ex fiancé (26m) and a joke he made at Thanksgiving. Things escalated and I decided to take our 7-month-old and leave, we’ve been at my parents since then. I didn’t go about it the right way, leaving without telling him and the next morning understandable he was confused when we weren’t at home.

Initially I went no contact, and because he couldn’t reach me he called the p-lice saying that he thought I was having some type of breakdown and have ppd and that he was afraid for me & our son’s safety. The p-lice alerted my parents that I’d been reported missing and asked if they’d seen or heard from me, and we explained that I left because I felt uncomfortable in the apartment with him.

So I started speaking to him again, I told him why I left but apologised for leaving the way I did and he also apologised for everything that’s gone down. He said he’d bought stuff for me & the baby for Christmas already and wanted to give it to us so asked if he could come to my parents house at Christmas.

It was our son’s first Christmas despite what’s going on between us he’s still his dad and i didn’t want to make him miss out. I explained all this to my parents who agreed to let him come, and we had a good day he brought the stuff like he said and he was respectful and didn’t drink, it felt like how it used too.

He came back the next day because he left his wallet but we talked for a while he promised to stop drinking because that was what caused everything (him getting dr-nk and saying something stupid without thinking) and he was alright with us postponing the wedding saying he just missed his family.

He asked if we’d come back with him but I said I wanted to stay here, he said he understood. We didn’t speak for a few days and he sent a care package with things he knew I liked and he wrote in the letter that since all my stuff was still at the apartment he wanted me to have things that reminded me of home. I called him to say thank you and we ft so he could see the baby.

I went out on nye with some friends from high school and the day after he texted me, asking if I got home alright and if I was hungover. I said I was fine but then I realised I didn’t tell him I was going out, so I asked how he knew and he said he saw me on a Insta story and knew it was my first time drinking since giving birth.

He said he didn’t go out and could have watched our son but I didn’t plan to go out. Originally, I was gonna stay home but my mom encouraged me to go, and by the time I decided I was going. It was too short notice he wouldn’t have been able to come in time, since it’s a 6 hour maybe longer drive depending on traffic but I could have at least let him know I guess.

My dad and brother wanted to drive back to the apartment to get my stuff so I asked him when would be a good time for them to go and he said that I didn’t need to move out and that even though he thinks I’m blowing everything out of proportion he would wait for me to get over it so we could be a family again because he needs us and that he’d stay in a hotel and I should move back in.

The wedding’s been cancelled my parents lost most of the deposits (which I’m gonna pay them back) and everyone I could tell that the wedding’s been cancelled I’ve told I’m not sure if he’s done the same.

At Christmas my SIL was complaining about the new iOS update and how annoying it was and I hadn’t updated my phone yet so I decided to do it then and left my phone on charge. When I had remembered and went to check on my phone it had reset and my ex said that, his one did the same thing.

My parents said I can stay as long as I need but I feel like a burden, they were supposed to go away in a week but they’ve cancelled it and they lost all that money on the wedding. So I need to figure myself out soon. A part of me thinks I’m being stupid throwing away my family over what started as a dr-nk joke but it’s become more than that and I’m just lost at the moment but yeah that’s where I am at.

But I wanna thank yall, I’ve had a lot of messages and people checking on me. I know some are probably disappointed that I haven’t cut him off completely but it’s not that simple especially with a baby and these last few weeks he’s gone back to how he used to be and I’m realising that I’ve probably caused a lot of this by overthinking the joke.

The internet continued to offer their two cents.

Elehcarthefirst wrote:

What joke? The one where he admitted to baby trapping you? The one where he ignored your boundaries? Remember how he reacted when you asked for a prenup - jokingly, you said - but his reaction was not. Your parents are willing to cancel trips bc they know how vulnerable you are and how freaking unsafe this man is.

Trust your initial reaction. Trust your need to flee. Have your brother and father pack up his stuff, put it in storage, change the locks, and give him the key to the storage garage. It's your house. And please get therapy. Do you want your child to grow up like him? Then get in therapy so you know how to deal with the games he'll play with your son to mindf--k you

Historical-Hall-2246 wrote:

I hope you remember and never forget how he made you feel and why you left the way you did that night with your son. You feared for your safety. He hid your keys to prevent you from leaving. Were you then supposed to ask him if you can leave?

You’re in a cycle of ab-se and this is the reconciliation phase. This phase will eventually give way to the other phases: calm, tension, incident then reconciliation….etc. You’re continuing to allow him access to you and your child cus “he is his father” is something you tell yourself to justify your weakness. Things are going to get worse for you before anything changes.

Vegetable_Stuff8050 wrote:

It wasn't a joke. A joke from a partner is something that the other person should find amusing. What your ex said is horrifying.

If you're able to, please get yourself some professional help, and get the courts involved ASAP for custody documentation. You didn't overthink it. You haven't overreacted. And cut yourself some slack. It sounds like it hasn't been long since the split. Yes, you need to work on your way forward, but it's not going to happen in an instant.

Future-Path8412 wrote:

Girl, no. Not to be dramatic but your last post read like the beginning of a dateline episode. Please be careful.