I (28F) know this sounds terrible, but please bear with me. My brother (24M) is the only son in our family, and I don’t know about anywhere else, but in an Asian family, it’s basically a given that he was treated better than my older sister and me growing up.
Our father passed away right before my brother graduated high school, and our beloved mother decided it was a good idea to make my sister and me pay for his college tuition because my father paid for our tuition until we graduated.
For the record, I don’t make tons of money. It’s above average, but I’m not exactly swimming in cash. Plus, I work long hours. The economy sucks these days. Now, I’m married. I proposed to this beautiful man (28M) I’ve known since middle school after he got into a terrible accident that caused him to lose almost all of his motor skills.
He was in a coma for about two weeks, and I swore that if he woke up, I’d marry him. So I did, I’m a woman of my word, after all. He also lost his job because of the accident, but he still has income from his investments, and his parents gifted him one of their property to rent out afterward. Yes, his parent is Loaded with capital L.
Even without financial trouble, I still watched him fall into a deep slump, struggling with depression because he’d been robbed of everything he knew, his job, his active outdoor hobbies. He couldn’t walk for almost a year, and to this day, he still can’t stand or walk for too long, even with his cane. He was in a dark place until about a month before our wedding.
Now, almost a year into our marriage, I can see the light starting to come back to his eyes after getting really into cooking and baking, to the point where we revamped our entire kitchen to fit a bigger oven and store all his baking equipment. He’s actively researching how to get a permit to start a bakery, and I love seeing it, even after three weeks of eating sourdough bread for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Back to my brother. He and his girlfriend got pregnant by accident. He’s currently job-hunting, having graduated two years ago. He started a business right after college, but yeah… you probably know how that goes. It failed, after he spent almost all the money our father left to us (his three children) as inheritance.
That caused a rift between him and my oldest sister. I don’t blame my sister for being furious because he also spent her share of the inheritance after paying his tuition. And if you know anything about Asian families, you know the oldest daughter has it the hardest. He’s also not really on great terms with our mother because of the unplanned pregnancy.
She’s not exactly against his girlfriend, but she’s not thrilled either. However, he's still the golden child and that’s why she asked me, her newlywed daughter, to let my brother and his girlfriend stay in our house until he finds a job. Since I live in a big city, she assumed it’d be easier for him to get hired here. I asked my husband if I could rent one of the room he owns to accommodate them.
My husband, being the absolute angel he is, said that since what he owned aren’t exactly suitable for long-term living with a baby, he’d see if he could remodel one. They could move in once it was ready and only start paying rent once my brother got a job. In the meantime, they could stay in our upstairs guest room.
I’ve read stories about situations like this being recipes for disaster, and d*mn, I should’ve listened. They moved in sometime before Christmas. Both of them did the bare minimum around the house. They washed their own dishes, but only the small ones like plates, glasses, and bowls, leaving the pots and pans for us to clean. They did their own laundry, but that’s it.
They’d raid our pantry and fridge without ever restocking anything. Some days, I didn’t even get a taste of my husband’s baked goods.. they’d eat the ones he specifically set aside for me. I had to wash dishes that I knew my husband didn’t use, even after pulling two consecutive shifts at the hospital (I’m a freaking resident).
They never vacuumed the second floor where they stayed, never helped take out the trash even though they filled it to the brim. I usually helped him with it whenever I got time but I had seen my husband taking out trash multiple times when I just got home.
I don’t expect them to clean the whole house, but come on watching my husband limp around with his cane, washing dishes and taking out the trash while they did nothing? That’s just rude, especially when they’re living rent-free.
Of course, I confronted them with a very watered down and gentle version of bro you won't get a job if you can't even help take out the trash and sis, you’re pregnant but you can at least wash the dishes you use. Both of you have two hands you can wash the cooking utensils you use to make food. Team works make the dream works.
They got slightly better after that. Now they wash all their dishes—but don’t bother putting them back in the drawers. But hey, progress.
Now, here’s the breaking point.
During Chinese New Year, my mother and oldest sister came to visit. My husband went all out with his cooking. I cleaned the entire house and prepared the other guest room for my family. That’s when I realized the second floor hadn’t been vacuumed in ages. My brother and his girlfriend didn’t come out of their room until my family arrived.
We exchanged greetings, gave my mother her New Year’s bow, and sat down for dinner. That’s when all hell broke loose. My brother, with confidence straight out of his colon, actually said it was time for my husband to get a "real job” again because “he can walk now.” He added that he’s younger but working hard to find a job.
Then he really added the words no offense, before saying cooking is a weird hobbies for a big guy (6"3') like him and also he doesn’t really have the talent for it. His girlfriend chimed in, saying she feels like my husband is “more feminine” than she is because he takes care of the house and cooks better than she does.
Of course, the bar is somewhere below Satan’s throne if she’s the standard. She even said she and my brother keep asking my husband why he’s still at home when it’s been years since his accident and that I’ll leave him soon if he keeps being “cooped up in the house.”
She then whined about how my husband always just smiled at them and never responded. I think even my brother realized she’d messed up because he quickly backpedaled, saying it was only “once or twice.” I just stood up, took both their plates, and told them to pack up and leave. I couldn’t even look at my husband. I was so pissed and ashamed of them.
It took every ounce of self-control not to curse them out right then and there. They said I was being too sensitive over “harmless comments.” My mother tried to defuse the situation, saying my brother and his girlfriend “meant well,” that their comments “didn’t come from a bad place,” and even pointed out that my husband didn’t seem offended so she asked, “Why ruin a good day?", which I ignored.
I even handed them my car keys because I just wanted them gone. They left with my oldest sister after giving my husband a half-hearted apology. She told me they stayed at a motel before returning back to my mother's house. The next day, my older sister came by to pick up my brother’s stuff. She laughed a lot about the whole ordeal and she’s the only one who thinks I did the right thing.
My husband said he was glad I defended him but he never took their comments to heart because he knows I love what he’s doing so he suggested I might’ve been a little harsh. My mother later told me their words weren’t a “good enough reason” to kick out my “struggling brother and PREGNANT girlfriend” (she really emphasized the pregnant part).
She said I could’ve just scolded him like I did over the dishes, yep, he tattled about that too. I still don’t think I am TA nor I'm overreacting, I'm still pissed off to be honest but now I’m second-guessing myself because even my husband was so chill about it. AITA?
SparklingPetalWhist wrote:
NTA. You’ve been more than generous by allowing them to stay, but their disrespectful behavior crossed a line. They were rude to your husband and ungrateful, especially considering the sacrifices you’ve already made for them.
You have every right to defend your marriage and stand up for your husband when he’s being belittled, regardless of your brother’s situation. You set clear expectations, and they blatantly ignored them. Your mother’s attempt to downplay their behavior is just her enabling them, but you were right to kick them out.
MajorAd2679 wrote:
NTA. Your brother st*le inheritance. He’s a th**f. He’s a lazy AH who knocked up his girlfriend, doesn’t work, is disrespectful of your home and husband when he’s staying for free and being a horrible guest!
You were too kind and let it go for far too long. You weren’t too harsh. Actions/words have consequences.
Never lift a finger for your brother ever again. He’s entitled because your mother especially but you’ve all been enablers.
OP responded:
Now that I think about it, you're right. I also contributed to enabling him to some degree. Lesson learned, and never again thanks for the response anyway!
Juzme99 wrote:
The difference between your husband and brother is miles apart, your husband cooks cleans is looking for a new future and can support himself. Your brother is ungrateful spoiled brat, who can barely look after himself, stole his sister's inheritance.
Because he just had to ask mummy and she handed it over and once he went through it all just decided to free load of his family through mummy, because that is all he knows.
PleasantCan81 wrote:
NTA, good for you for standing up for your husband and hopefully, teaching your ungrateful and lazy brother and his gf a lesson. They need to step it up since they chose to be irresponsible and get pregnant. I can’t believe their audacity to say such things at your house where they were living for free! 🤦🏻♀️