'AITA for lashing out at my ex and saying he's not my baby's father?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for lashing out at my ex and saying he's not my baby's father?"

I (F34) had been with my husband for over 12 years. We had our child when I was 31, and my husband 33. Sadly, recently (1.5 y. ago, when my baby was around 2 y.) my husband, the love of my life, passed in a tragic accident (careless driver hit his car on a foggy slippery road, he died instantly in a crash). His d--th left me in shambles, only thing that kept me at least sane was our daughter.

I couldn't believe that I lost him. He was my rock, my light and I loved him dearly. In a way I still cannot believe that he's gone. That's where my ex comes in. In about a year after my husband's accident, he reached out to me to talk, to vent maybe. We separated long time ago, couple of years before I've met my husband.

We didn't exactly stay friends but were on good terms, and spoke occasionally - hi, how are you kind of talk. So he reached out and offered to help as a friend. It was unexpected but I accepted because I really needed a friend and frankly I don't have a lot of close friends besides him. He occasionally came over to our place, brought some gifts to my daughter and we talked over tea or a beer.

It wasn't intimate - he had several casual relationships over the years, and I clearly told him that I'm not ready for any relationships after my husband (still not ready, i guess). So he came over once or twice a month, he was very sweet with my daughter, so I didn't see anything wrong with them bonding.

But then my baby started calling my ex papa. It annoyed me very much, but I didn't say anything, because she's a toddler - how is she supposed to now any better? I tried gently explaining to her that my ex isn't papa, but I doubt she understood. So I just started sending her to my or my husband's mom when my ex came over. In truth I know our baby won't remember her father - photos is all she'll have of him.

And I don't want another man to take his place in her eyes. So everything was normal again. I noticed that my ex was visibly upset when I told him that my daughter isn't home. But i didn't think much of it. And last time is where I snapped. That's where I might be the AH, because I ended up screaming at my ex and probably should have handled it better.

So when he was at our house and we played some video games and had couple of beers, my mother brought my daughter home early - she was very grumpy and wanted to go home. He stood up and told my daughter - here's MY baby, I missed you! And reached to hug her. That's where I snapped at him.

I told him angrily that he is in fact not her father, and that she is my and my husband's baby and will never be his baby no matter how much he wants it. And if he wants to have a child he still have plenty of chances with his girlfriend. He told me I was a real ah for saying such cruel things and left. My mother told me that I was kind of an AH too and I acted like a child. So am I?

Commenters had OP's back.

No-Secret-377 wrote:

NTA bc he's forcing a relationship that doesn't exist. He isn't the baby's dad, you two aren't in a relationship. Tbh tho, I think you need to stop seeing him. Cut the cord permanently. It's like he's trying to have some pseudo-relationship that doesn't exist.

Trick_Delivery4609 wrote:

THIS! If he only came back into your life because of the baby, I think there is something going on here. There are tons of bad people out there who insinuate themselves into single mom's lives to get access to the kids. PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER! You don't need your ex. You dumped him for a reason already.

Otherwise_Degree729 wrote:

NTA. I don’t think a toddler would call someone papa without anyone saying that before.

I don’t wanna be super jaded, but that’s what I am;(

It pretty suspicious he reached out after your husband passing, I would have understood reaching out to give you his condolences but he seems to be forcing a relationship with you and your daughter and overstepping while your grieving which makes it easier for him.

Spookycupcake666 wrote:

This whole situation is bizarre to me. I don’t understand why you’d allow your ex this much access to your kid. I understand needing the support but the situation is suspicious af to me. In general NTA.

OP responded:

Thank you for your input! You are right, I believe I was wrong for introducing them at all. I was a wreck and needed support, yes, but my priority should be my child. First year after my husband died, a lot of people came over to offer condolences and some help, my and my husband's family.

My daughter was always by my side, she once called my husband's brother papa - but they look so much alike, that it is understandable. And I kinda missed the fact that my ex's visits and gifts can be a problem. I was too late to understand that i need to set clear boundaries and it is inappropriate for them to bond if i do not want any relationship besides friendship with my ex.

mlc885 wrote:

NAH. I think you took some unresolved trauma out on him, and also that him calling your kid his baby was pretty clueless since he presumably will not be her father. He's more of an uncle, if we want to use family terms at all. I think you should apologize even though he was also wrong, assuming you want to be friends and have him in your kid's life.

Hopefully he will understand that it is a sore subject for you right now and parts of it will obviously be a sore subject forever.

OP responded:

Thank you! I think you're right. I still take everything concerning my husband to heart and my ex's words hit very close to home. I don't think I was wrong in what I said to him, but I was wrong in the way I said it. After thinking about it for some time, I think I do want him in my and my daughter's life.

He is a very good friend and very supportive (especially in my time of need), so I shouldn't have lashed out at him. I think I'll try calling him to apologize and communicate my issues clearly. Maybe he didn't even mean anything by his words and just loves my baby and expressed it a bit clumsily. But I admit his words really triggered me in the moment.

Beck2010 wrote:

NTA!!!

For whatever reason, he’s been doing a slow creep into your life and trying to be your daughter’s father. You brushed it off long enough, to the point where you snapped. We ALL have a breaking point, and that’s okay.

Tell your mom: “Although you think I was rude, I wasn’t. I had reached my breaking point. Ex has no right to try to be dad, and he needed to hear this very directly. He has a gf. He needs to stop coming around. I am past done. Would you appreciate someone claiming me as their daughter in this way? No? End of conversation.”

OP responded:

Thank you for you advice! I think I'll apologize for yelling, but I won't apologize for my words - although, i should have expressed my view more calmly, i think he should know that he's overstepping. Maybe he didn't do that on purpose, maybe he did. But he should know my feelings about his relationship with my daughter and that i'm against it. If it's not ok with him, than we should stop talking.

Special_Lychee6847 wrote:

NTA.

Am I paranoid to question his motives for wanting to get friendly and get upset the child isn't home, when he visits?

OP responded:

I don't think he is a predator if you're implying that (I sincerely hope he's not). But he may have some unresolved issues of his own regarding children. He is almost 37 now and he doesn't have a family or kids. Although, he never expressed interest in having those things before, after thinking about it, i reckon deep down he does wants some sort of family of his own.

Glamonster wrote:

"I noticed that my ex was visibly upset when I told him that my daughter isn't home. But I didn't think much of it."

Sorry, but, imo, this is worrisome.

I know he might not be a predator, maybe he just projects something that doesn't exist onto your child, and that is problematic and unhealthy in it's own way, but, his desire to build a relationship with a small child without your involvement rings all the alarm bells inside my head. Maybe I am just too paranoid, but, better safe than sorry.

OP responded:

When i was reading comments i started to worry too. I need to talk to him first and clear the air, and perhaps cut ties altogether. I do not want to rush this decision without talking to him first. I do not want new father figure for my baby (at least yet). And with my ex in our lives it can happen anyway. So at least some clear boundaries are needed in this situation.

Hopeful_War_7442 wrote:

Your not ready for a relationship your ready for another to step into your family. The shock and loss you have gone through is enough to break most people, in my opinion the day a child accepts another as the missing parent is when the final time that person dies. NTA but I'd definitely reach out and explain (don't apologize for feelings) and say he can accept the rules going forward or can skip back off.

OP responded:

Thank you for the input. Yes, I will try to apologize for yelling and express my feelings clearly. I need to set some cleat boundaries in our relationship for my own and my daughter's sake.

KimB-booksncats-11 wrote:

I've been online too long but my first thought is where did the kid pick up the term Papa? Dada was my first word because Mom spent all day saying Dada is as work and Dada will be home soon. Kinda worried your ex taught/encourage the kid to say it. Either way it feels like he is trying to move in on a ready made family which you have made clear is not what you want. NTA.

OP responded:

Thank you for your input! I didn't mention it in my post but we are European and term Papa is actually more common here. Maybe it wasn't even his intention and he did it subconsciously. I was in the wrong to scream and yell, but we definitely need to set some clear boundaries if this friendship is gonna last.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

UPDATE: First, I wanted to say thank you for everyone who offered condolences, advice and criticisms! I appreciate it very much! I think a little context and explanation is due. My husband and I had a really tight friend group, we usually hung out at our place because we have sort of a play room - with ps5, good pc, VR, board games and dnd table. We are big fans of gaming in many ways.

Sadly our friends moved to different countries over the years one by one, and after my husband died I was left with only one friend from the group nearby. But she's a young mother too and we can't hang out like before. We still speak but it's not been the same. So I wanted some familiarity when my ex appeared. I was vulnerable and allowed things to escalate too much.

I desperately wanted to have a friend who shares similar interests with me and my husband. So I was blind to some red flags and my own wrong choices. Also I never left my ex alone with my daughter for more than couple of minutes. I was wrong to introduce them in the first place. Now to the update itself:

Yesterday evening my ex came by unannounced and uninvited. I was a little worried, but thankfully my husband's brother and his wife was at our house with their kids on a playdate. So I asked them to watch over the kids for some time and went to talk with my ex outside. He was drunk. A lot.

He started talking and he said a lot. In a nutshell he said that he will always care about me, that he suppressed some feelings for all this 15 years and he just realised that he was a fool to let me go. I admit, I do care about him too, but not even remotely in a way I care about my husband. So I was a fool to hope we can be friends and have civil relationship without any implications.

Our talk started getting heated and we argued, a lot of accusations were thrown. My BIL came out of the house and brought our big overprotective dog with him. So I quickly apologized to my ex for leading him on and told him to move on and asked him to leave and never return. I was a bit worried that things can get violent, but he left without any protest.

He later posted long and vague post about being hurt and that love is s-t, and he is better off alone, and tagged me and several of his other exes. Not sure how his GF may react to that but it doesn't really matter anymore. I blocked him everywhere and hope he won't appear in our lives anymore. Also I will update my security system as soon as possible just in case.

Commenters kept it real.

Hanzoku wrote:

Yeah, I called that from the beginning - when the ex showed up back in her life, it was obvious that he was angling for a second chance with OP now that her husband was out of the way.

Material-Paint6281 wrote:

Wait, he had a GF all this time that he tried to "rekindle" it with OP...I guess you can add it to his list of ex's he has. And I second his statement about him being better off alone. If it's not better for him, at least it's better for the women who would have otherwise be in a relationship with him.

Sunnyryter wrote:

"So everything was normal again. I noticed that my ex was visibly upset when I told him that my daughter isn't home. But i didn't think much of it."

Oh honey. I am with the commenter that said, why are you letting this man have access to your little girl? RED FLAG in that throw away line. If he was into OP, why be pissed her baby isn't there??? It's so odd.

Sircrusteron wrote:

I remember reading this and wondering how blind OP was about the whole situation.