'AITA for laughing when my aunt told my stepmom that depression doesn't make you have an affair?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for laughing when my aunt told my stepmom that being depressive doesn't make you sleep with a married man?"

Long story short: two years ago my father left my mother to go with his mistress whom I will call Ana (common name) . My mother never had any idea about the infidelity, Ana knew that my father was married, she even went to the house with him to take his things.

One day he simply told my mother that he is no longer in love with her and wants to be happy with Ana, I was there when everything happened. Ana was depressed, she has many scars on her legs and arms. I don't go to my father's house, it makes me uncomfortable to be around them for obvious reasons, Ana is overly nice and it's really uncomfortable.

A few days ago it was my grandfather's birthday and the whole family was together, including Ana. I have an aunt who suffers from depression and other more heavy things like schiz-phr-nia, she has tried to hurt herself many times. At one point in the night there were only my father, my aunt, Ana, another aunt and I in the living room.

For some reason my aunt and Ana were talking about some serious things and at one point Ana began to say that depression made her do many things trying to feel fulfilled, that she could only overcome depression when she met my father and he saved her, that meeting him was the key to overcome her depresión and now she's finally happy thanks to him.

I know about that because Ana often tried to 'bond' with me by telling me how much she suffered in her life and how my father saved her, she has always justified herself that she was depressed and was in a hard place in her life before my father saved her.

It always make me feel uncomfortable and I don't feel empathy for her no matter how 'sweet' she is, talking about how many times you try to off yourself in front of my 8 year-old sister it's not something normal. Ana has always tried to paint her relationship with my father as a fairy tale that began in a different way but that she doesn't regret anything because her world is perfect now.

At that moment my aunt said something like "I tried to save myself by going to a psychologist, not by jumping on the d-ck of a married man" And then she began to say that depressión made her want to jump off a bridge but not ruin a family. I just laughed, it was funny, my aunt may have her mind elsewhere all day but it was crazy to see her make such a sly comment.

But when my father was taking me home Ana was crying and he scolded me for laughing at what my aunt said, saying that no one knows everything that Ana suffered (I know...she always talks about that). I didn't apologize but now I think, was I really wrong to laugh? From my point of view, my aunt was right.

The commenters had OP's back all the way.

TarzanKitty wrote:

NTA. Your aunt was 100% right and pretty much any person on the planet would have laughed. You should have asked them if they have any clue how much their selfish choices caused you and your mom to suffer.

OP responded:

Honestly, in the past I've argued with them about it, but Ana always cries and my father says it's cruel to tell her that. At this point I prefer to ignore them.

Ok-Patience-8626 wrote:

NTA - You don't just get better from a depression because you get into a relationship and if it's contingent on a relationship then you need serious help. She knew your father was married and had a family, if she truly didn't know saying those things would get her a weird look considering how their relationship started.

Either way it isn't something Ana should be attempting to connect with her AP/Now husbands child with. Anna suffered, but so did the rest of the family from your fathers betrayal but do they care about that? Nah, Ana played a stupid game and surprise surprise, she got a stupid prize, your father.

IntroductionNo7686 wrote:

Sounds like your dad loves all the hero worshipping she does. That is until he cheats on her and then she’ll blame her depression for jumping on his dick. Your aunt only spoke the truth, that’s why they’re so upset. Someone called her for being a home wrecker. They deserve each other.

MyLadyBits wrote:

Tell your father why should you care about Ana when her “happiness” depended on bringing so much unhappiness to yourself and people you love.

Tell your father it says a lot about you out him that he was eager to harm so many people.

YourAccording3896 wrote:

I have a schiz-phrenic brother and we tend to not notice that he is there, he becomes disconnected in his world, but sometimes he makes a timely comment as subtle as a herd of elephants, like OP's aunt, and all world bursts into laughter.

OP responded:

My aunt is like that too! People sometimes don't understand if she insulted them or not lol.

WaryScientist wrote:

NTA - your aunt didn’t say anything untrue. While I’ve certainly done stupid stuff as a result of trauma and severe depression, I don’t go around justifying my choices…because there is no mistaking that they were my choices.

The depression made me want to stay in bed all day or run my car into oncoming traffic… trauma made me choose to do stupid things so at least I was in control of what was happening…either way, none of it was okay and I would never try to justify it, especially if I hurt people with those actions. Ana chose to break a family apart and now wants people to feel bad for her about it. 🙄

Four days later, OP shared an update.

Hello, some things happened over the weekend, my aunt came home (I live with my mother) and told my mom what happened. My mother hates my dad for obvious reasons, but still she's been really nice to him and tried to keep us out of all those problems they have.

My mother is honestly a saint. My sister is an eight-year-old girl and she really hates Ana. Ana once tried to get along with my sister and told her about the times she wanted to commit s--cide and how my dad saved her, after that my sister came home asking my mother if she had ever thought about committing s-cide.

That's not a question an eight-year-old girl should ask and my sister even asked me questions about suicide after that, I don't really know what else exactly Ana said to her but it definitely affected her as a little girl, it's not even something you should talk about with a girl of that age.

My mother was furious and since that day she forbids my father to have my younger sister near Ana as she considers her a dangerous and unstable person around children. Since that day things have been really tense between my father and my mother, my little sister doesn't want to visit our father so she is fine with this.

My aunt told my mother that Ana talked about it again but this time in front of me, apparently my father and Ana were totally forbidden to talk about these things in front of me too. I'm not a little kid but apparently that was the arrangement my mother made with my father when she set boundaries for them.

My aunt told her what happened that day and I confessed to my mother that Ana and my father talk a lot about those s-cide attempts in front of me which is something I should have talked about before.

But at that moment I didn't wanted problems and decided to just ignore them. I told my mom that for that reason I am not going to my father's house anymore and my mother got very upset with him, the next day she went to talk to my father.

I don't know what they talked about, she just came back saying that Ana can't get close to us anymore. She told me that she can't forbid me from being near my father and that's my decisión but Ana is extremely forbidden to set foot in the same place where I and my sister are. My paternal grandparents agreed and my aunts too, they knew about the situation with my younger sister.

I haven't spoken to my father, but my cousin told me that my father argued with my grandfather. He often says that Ana is a good person and we don't understand the pain she suffered, so I guess he's upset with all of us now for our great lack of empathy (as he always says). I don't know, at least now I won't see them for a while. It was a boring update but that's what happened haha.

The comments kept coming.

WolverineNo8799 wrote:

I'm glad your Mum is standing up for you and your sister. It's a shame that your Dad isn't doing anything to protect you from his mentally unstable wife.

Big_Zucchini_9800 wrote:

You haven't done anything wrong. I am a s--cidal person and I'm very open with it to destigmatize mental health, but I wouldn't tell a child that s--cide is even a thing, let alone that I've considered it.

It sounds like your dad loves to feel like a white knight, so he gets a little ego boost every time Ana tells these stories and makes him the hero. He's not being a good grownup or father right now because he's putting his ego boosts above the mental health of his children.

You wont understand fully for a few more years, but you owe your parents nothing, they owe you unconditional love and financial and emotional support because they signed up to be parents, you didn't sign up for their family. If your dad wants to have a relationship with you and your sister he needs to prioritize you guys over himself.

Material_Cellist4133 wrote:

Maybe you should arm your cousins with the following response…

“A good person doesn’t talk about s--cide with an 8 year old, whose brain hasn’t developed fully to understand its implications. Or a good person, doesn’t have s-- with a man who is in a committed relationship.”

OP responded:

My cousin doesn't like her neither, My father is the one who says those things 😅

Patient_Dependent312 wrote:

NTA, and honestly I love your aunt. She was looking out for you, well being a complete b- boss in the process which is great. "Depression didn't make me go jump on a married man's d--k" oof how many times I have wanted to say this to people in my life 🤣🤣🤣

Nearly a month later, OP shared another update.

Hi, I wasn't planning to make another update but we've had a lot of problems with Ana, too many and I think now even my father has realized that she's crazy.

I have stopped going to see my father and my father's parents stopped allowing him to go with Ana to their house since I am there a lot and my mother does not allow her to come near me or my sister. Ana began to have the strange behavior of starting to send me texts, first she apologized to me but insisted that my father misses me and my sister.

I replied to her that my mother does not allow us to talk to her and she said that she is my father's partner so we have to get used to her being around. She started to talk badly about my mother :/ saying that I'm too young to realize it but my mother is manipulating us and that's wrong because she's not allowing us to be a family. I'm young but I'm not dumb.

I didn't answer her again and showed the messages to my mother who spoke to my father again, my father knew nothing about this and apparently had an argument with Ana about this since now my mother is planning to take away his last name from our name to end with this shitshow and protect us.

I don't understand too much about this, but in my country you can go to court and take out your father's surname making him have no right over you anymore. I honestly believe that neither my sister nor I would have any problem with this but I think my mother just said that to scare him.

This is something I heard from my aunt and I don't know how much of this is real but my father has been staying at my grandparents' house, one of those nights Ana went to knock on the door looking for him just to argue. She and my father began to argue, Ana yelled at my dad that he couldn't leave her like that but nothing else happened because my grandfather kicked her out.

My aunt also told me that my father told her that Ana sends him messages like 'if you leave me I will off myself' 'You can't leave me' so my father is afraid of leaving her and afraid of her. Less than two days ago I found out that my father had to leave work quickly because she sent him goodbye messages (nothing happened to her, she just cut her arms as always).

My aunt said that this is something that Ana has always done, even when the affair started she sent him messages saying that she was about to off herself so that my father would go to her (This is something that Ana also told me but in a more 'romantic' way, it always scared me).

I have no contact with my father and I avoid him when he's on grandpa's house but as far as my aunt has told me, he doesn't know what to do since he misses us but is afraid to leave her and that she will k-l herself.

I feel bad for thinking this but I'm really relieved to be hearing all this from afar, I'm so thankful that my mom forbade us to see her before all this happens And honestly this is his karma so I'm not going to get into this.

The comments kept coming.

Material_Cellist4133 wrote:

So I may get s-t on this. But someone who truly wants to commit suicide wouldn’t create spectacle of it…they would just do it. It is pure manipulation. As for your father, he just needs to start calling the authorities whenever Ana threatens him. It’s plain and simple. They will have her committed to the mental institution- like she should be.

OP responded:

In my country you can't admit someone to a hospital without that person wanting to, that's why not even the authorities can do anything :/

DawnShakhar wrote:

NTA, you have every right to feel relieved that you are released from this toxic drama. Your father will have to make some tough decisions - stay with Ana and lose his children, or part from her and risk her committing s-c-de.

But at the end of the day, Ana's life and happiness cannot depend on another human being. Your father is letting her manipulate him. And that is not and should not be your problem. Just be glad you and your sister are free of this crazy woman.

Beautyyy_Skyler wrote:

NTA. Your reaction is fineconsidering the situation and what Ana has done. It sounds like your dad is in a tough spot, but emotional manipulation and threats shouldn't keep him trapped in an unhealthy relationship.

Big_Zucchini9800 wrote:

NTA. If you want, I am a depressive and s--cidal person and I would be happy to explain to your dad that Ana's decisions have nothing to do with him. Either she is or isn't going to k--l herself because of her mental illness, his actions won't cause it or stop it either way.

She may feel like he is that impactful on her life, but that is more of the way depression lies to you and fools you. Mine sometimes tells me that all my friends secretly hate me, but that is the depression and my fears, not a reflection of reality.

Ten days later, OP shared another update.

Ana took her own life when my father went to get some of his things with grandpa and was scared that she could hit or do something to him. That's all I know, but she offed herself while they were loading some of my father's stuff into the car. I'm very shocked, I wanted to think what everyone told me that she wasn't going to do it. I don't want to talk to my father at all, is this wrong?

Want my mother to take us away from him? I do not know. I go to the psychologist and my sister too, but neither of us want to talk to my dad even now, I don't want that drama in my life. My psychologist says it's normal and I shouldn't talk with him if I don't want to. My sister hates him.

I don't feel bad for Ana either and that makes me feel worse, the last thing I heard about her before this was that the authorities didn't do anything because they never do anything and she refused to continue her psychological treatment because according to my aunt, they would tell her that she should be hospitalized and that happened to my aunt in the past too, I didn't knew that.

I remember my father telling her about her appointments with the psychologist and even the psychiatrist sometimes because of the medications in the start of that relationship but she would refuse and say she was fine. She wasn't young or naive, she was 34, almost my parents age.

I even think she had more control in the relationship than my father, she was a grown woman and I can admit that this last days I was nervous about her bc of all the things she was doing. I don't feel bad about her passing, I even feel very relieved that she passed and it is something that my aunts have also told me.

Everyone feels like that about her, they and my psychologist say that it is normal to feel that way but anyway I prefer to think that I am a better person than her and my father so I'm not going to be happy for it but respectful. It's sad to think that we're all relieved when someone passed. She wasn't a good person at all. My father is not a good person either and I know it, he is not an innocent.

He did many bad things to my mother during the whole divorce process, He left us until it occurred to him to want to play family with that woman and even so my mother had always encouraged us to talk to him. They both did a lot of things to my mother during the divorce process, but now I just want my mother to continue to forbid my father from seeing us until we want to see him.

Ana scared me. I also feel guilty thinking that she may have seen one of my posts even though I don't know if she knows English or the existence of this app. I think I'm rambling a lot and this post doesn't make sense, but I just wanted to say that's why I deleted the posts, it makes me feel guilty the null possibility that she has seen them even though she hasn't.

Internet strangers offered up wisdom and support.

Strong_Drawing_3667 wrote:

What you're feeling is normal. It's hard to feel sympathy and pity for someone who was so openly destructive and who took great joy in hurting your family. She was a deeply troubled and demented person who made every wrong choice. She made sure it could have only ended this way.

Your father destroyed his life for a mentally ill woman and he is going to have to deal with this on his own. Absolutely do not contact him at the moment and make sure if there has to be any communication it's through your motherly. He could easily try to take this out on you instead of having a deep introspective. You don't have to feel bad when the people who hurt you leave this Earth.

signal_historian_456 wrote:

May sounds harsh, but now you can make a cut and clear line. And it’s no wonder you don’t want to talk to your dad. He still did what he did, and there’s no excuse for that. He should have protected you, put you first, but he failed you massively.

And just because he left her now and she ended her life doesn’t mean that everything is good now and forgiven.Your feelings are absolutely valid. Take each day as it comes and don’t pressure yourself into anything.

mspooh321 wrote:

I'm sorry for everything your father and Ana, put your family through especially, you, your sister and your mom. You need to remember that you are not responsible nor should you worry about the actions of a grown woman. She was sick and what she decided to do with her own body, and with her own life that was her own decision to make.

It was nothing of your doing. Continue to work the program that you have with your therapist and continue to surround yourself with love/support/friends/family and block out all of the toxicity that is unnecessarily brought by other people. Wishing you and your sister all the best on your healing journey💕