'AITA for laughing in my SIL’s face when she DNA tested my daughter?' UPDATED 3X
"AITA for laughing in my SIL’s face when she DNA tested my daughter?"
I, 30M, have a daughter who's 6. I am not biologically related to her at all. There is no blood relation between us. I was friends with her mother for most all of my childhood.
We were never involved romantically and were always just friends. She had her daughter at 23 with her 25-year-old husband. When my daughter was a newborn (About 3 months technically) both her mother and father passed away.
I won't go into too much detail for privacy reasons, but it was workplace [an employee went "postal"]. My friend and her husband had worked in the same building, and were both killed.
Both my friend and her husband had grown up with less than ideal families and didn't have any siblings so there wasn't any "next of kin" for their daughter to go to. However, because I was close with them I was able to adopt her. Even though I had been iffy about the idea of kids I didn't want their daughter to grow up in foster care or around people who didn't have a connection to her bio parents so I stepped in.
My parents and siblings know that my daughter is not my actual daughter biologically speaking. My daughter, I'll call Lily for the post, also knows that she's adopted. I never really hid the fact that she was adopted, she knows her parents are dead and were k-led by a "bad man" but I'm saving the details for when she's older.
Lily does not look like me at all. She looks exactly like her mother and biological dad. Most people assume that I'm her bio dad and that she just took after her mom. I don't ever really correct this when and if people assume this because it just seems unnecessary.
My brother has been with his fiancee for about 2 years now. A few weeks ago we were all meeting up at my parents house and my SIL saw an old picture of me, my friend and her husband. She pointed to my friend and asked who she was, and I explained that was Lily's mother.
SIL got quiet and stood in front of the picture for a while. I didn't think much of it. To clarify, she knows my friend passed away, but I guess didn't know that she had been married, or that Lily is not my bio daughter. I suppose she assumed my daughter was mine and my friend's biological daughter. My SIL got a DNA test done on my daughter behind my back.
She used my brother's DNA for the test, and when it came back that they weren't related, she knew that meant me and Lily weren't related. She came up to me with the results and waved them in my face, saying that I was taking care of a deceased woman's affair baby. She said this to me in front of my daughter. I just stared at her for a while before bursting out laughing at this.
I told her I knew Lily wasn't my biological daughter, and that this thing called adoption exists. Her face went red and she stormed off. My brother is mad I embarrassed his fiancee, but I said she embarrassed herself by DNA testing a kid that isn't hers and then parading the results up to me. What did she want me to do?
What was her goal with this? Did she want me to break down and abandon my daughter? My brother said she thought she was doing the right thing and called me an AH. I don't feel like the AH, especially considering my SIL was the one who stuck her nose where it doesn't belong. I'm asking for opinions (mostly just for validation), so was I TA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
FlinFlanFuddle4 wrote:
My brother is mad I embarrassed his fiancee. What? Brother should be appalled fiancee said this IN FRONT OF THE CHILD.
BigConversation6141 wrote:
NTA. Not only did your SIL cross a major line by testing the DNA of a child without consent, but the theatrical way she presented her "findings" is shockingly insensitive. Forget a pot stirrer, she's operating a drama-cauldron. You have every right to be upset, and your brother needs a wake-up call about the boundaries his future wife is willing to bulldoze.
Serinaty wrote:
NTA - she wanted to stir some crap up, that’s a hell of a lot of effort to “help”. Also I’d be pissed about how she got Lily's DNA to do this? It didn’t go the way she thought it would so she got mad, your brother is just trying to side with his soon to be wife.
shroomcure wrote:
Your brother is a f-ing moron if he can’t see that there’s something very wrong with her. He deserves the misery she will bring into his life as long as he continues to defend her. Be careful her embarrassment may turn nasty. Keep her away from you and your daughter.
yeoniesong wrote:
NTA. This incident should open your brother’s eyes and break it off with her. Instead he is siding with her. Your future SIL created a very unnecessary situation. Even if you were married to Lily’s mother she had no business running the DNA test. A sane person would not go to that extent, especially not without a reason. She judged wanted to create drama and play hero.
Mysterious_Book8747 wrote:
If she wanted to protect you she would have approached you privately with her concerns. She got publicly embarrassed in front of multiple people because she pulled a big crazy reveal in front of multiple people.
Pudding_Anya wrote:
NTA. Your SIL's actions were completely inappropriate and out of line. It's absurd that she would DNA test your child without your permission and then confront you with the results in front of your daughter. You were justified in laughing at her and pointing out the absurdity of her behavior.
Cakeliesx wrote:
She said that to you in front of your daughter?!? Your response was perfect.
“She thought she was doing the right thing?” Um, maybe asking your brother privately about it would have been more appropriate (not appropriate but MORE appropriate than what she did.) You NTA but brother & she sure are TA.
2 days later OP came back with this update, "My brother lied to my SIL about EVERYTHING":
My SIL ended up coming to my house and apologizing, as well as telling me the full story. My brother put her up to the DNA test.
When I first adopted Lily, my brother for some reason believed that Lily was my bio daughter. He thought that me and Lily's mom were together and just weren't telling anyone. He believes that when she got pregnant, Lily's mom told me that Lily was mine and that she was going to just say that it was her husband's and I went along with it because I didn't really want kids.
SIL was under the impression I believed I was Lily's bio dad. She saw the picture of Lily's mom and I, and after asking for clarification on who she was, assumed we were together in it, and then got suspicious when she saw that the other guy in the picture (Lily's actual bio dad) looked a lot like Lily.
I also want to clarify, I didn't tell her that Lily's bio dad was in the picture because she had specifically pointed to Lily's mom, and I assumed she knew that Lily was adopted. I didn't know my brother had been telling her lied for nearly 2 years.
She got the DNA test out of her own suspicions, and my brother helped her with it because he thought it would reveal that I was actually Lily's bio dad. He manipulated her into thinking that it would clear the air of suspicion, when really he was just trying to prove that I was really Lily's bio dad and lying about the reasons for adoption.
Well, of course the results proved I wasn't Lily's bio dad and that my brother was wrong. My brother felt too embarrassed to confess to his fiancee that he had lied about the circumstances, which is why SIL confronted me with the results.
My SIL also apologized for showing me the results in front my daughter. She told me that her mom had an affair and cheated on her father, got pregnant with another man's kid, and had let her father believe the kid was his. Her father was devastated by this when he found out, and she grew very resentful of women who do that to their spouses.
She had wanted to sit me down and talk to me about it without my daughter, but when she saw me with my daughter she got angry thinking I was being led on to believe I was raising my daughter when I was actually raising another man's kid, and she ended up exploding and immediately waved the results in my face.
My SIL does feel very guilty, and she's angry at my brother for lying to her. I'm not angry at her for doing the test, because she thought she was doing the right thing.
I also forgave her for the way she told me about the results, because clearly affairs are a sensitive subject for her and I can understand why she would have exploded like that. I'm pretty sure she plans to breakup with my brother now, and I don't blame her.
When I called and asked my brother about this, he admitted it. When I asked why he would think this he said that he couldn't think of a reason why a man who had been against having kids at the time would willingly adopt a baby without having a blood connection to it.
He told SIL that I was Lily's bio dad and was aware of the fact. He took it a step further, and said that me and Lily's mom were together at the time of Lily's conception.
Both me and my parents are going low contact with my brother for a while now. I know I will forgive my brother eventually, but I can't do that right now. He believed I was low enough to have an affair with a married woman, get her pregnant, take no responsibility, allow her to pass off the kid as another man's, and then only take responsibility because her mom died.
Edit: Some people were saying I should sue and/or press charges on her. I don't want to do that. She was manipulated into doing this, and I don't want to deal with the hassle. I honestly just want to put this whole thing behind me and move on
Here's what people had to say after the update:
BOTH your brother and SIL are getting off too lightly. He butted into your family and lied to his wife. And, sensitive issue or not, she still violated your daughter's privacy then called her an affair child derisively in front of her.
This. I would be livid if someone sought a DNA test of my kid without my knowledge or permission, and I couldn't care less why they felt justified in doing so.
That said, OP's brother is more at fault and has some troubling issues of his own, apparently.
Fatherhood has made you soft. Good Man. 🫡🫡
Lol, yes I can admit that I'm definitely a lot softer since becoming a father. Adopting my daughter made me have to finally be mature, something I wasn't in my 20s when I adopted her.
Maaaaan F your brother. He is a POS through and through. LC? I would go NC with that fool.
I know I probably should go NC with him, but he is still my brother and I do want to give him a chance to make things better in the future
In the comments OP added this second update:
Clearing the air So, Tiktok found my post, and a very big and popular TikTok account that shares these types of stories decided to post about my story and add fake information to the story. I’m writing this so people stop messaging me about these fake videos. My SIL did not DNA test my daughter for money, nor do she and my brother have any kids together.
My parents don’t have massive college funds for their grandkids like the TikTok claimed they did, that’s not why my SIL did this. She was manipulated by my brother so he could try and “prove” I was Lily’s bio dad and was simply lying about the adoption.
About a week later OP added this 3rd update, "SIL is now Ex-SIL":
Some people were wondering what happened with my brother and SIL. Well, she dumped him. They tried to make it work, but that only lasted a few days and she ended up giving him the ring back.
My brother got s%$# faced drunk on my front lawn in the middle of the night. I was pissed because Lily had school the next morning and this woke her up.
My brother was yelling insults to both me and my daughter. We called police and he spent the night in jail for drunken disturbance (I believe the official charge was something like that). I sure as hell pressed charges because he was saying some borderline threatening statements to me and my daughter. I don't think it's enough to qualify for a restraining order, but if it is I'll get a temporary one.
On a more positive note Lily is doing well. She's getting straight A's in even subject, and is excited about her first ever science project. She's been talking my ear off about it (send help, lol).