'AITA for leaving a family gathering and taking the cake with me?'
"AITA for leaving a family gathering and taking the cake with me?"
I (27F) hit one year sober (from alcohol) at the beginning of the year. This was a huge accomplishment for me. It was bigger to me than finishing college. I told my family that next time we were together for family dinner I had something to celebrate.
This all happened at my mom’s. The kids were playing and the adults were hanging out. I took the moment to share that I’d reached 1 year sober and how good I felt about it. They went with “Ohh, that’s what you were talking about” and “Has it been a year already?”
I am embarrassed to admit I hoped someone would say they’re proud of me.
My BIL Steve looked at my sister and they both said “Well…” at the same time and she said “Since we’re all here, (Niece) just got into (a specific gymnastics thing). It’s been a LONG road but she did it!”
Steve popped some wine they'd brought and started giving everyone glasses/cups. He made eye contact with me and his face fell. I had this gnawing feeling so got up from the table. I took a walk. I tried to get through the moment mentally so I could be present for my niece to celebrate her success.
But when I got back to the house my sister asked me why I left without saying anything. I said I needed a minute to myself.
She looked at me funny and said “Okayyyy…” I said I’d shared something I was very proud of and she bulldozed over it.
My mom put her hand up and asked me what my news was. I said that I’d told them. I hit one year sober. Mom said my generation always wanted praise for doing the bare minimum, that wasn’t an accomplishment it was just what I needed to do, like graduating high school. I tried to make it through to dinner but found myself just not in the mood anymore. I decided to go home.
Here is the direct thing I am being called an AH for: I'd brought a small berry chantilly cake (my favorite) to share after dinner. It was the thing I decided I earned. The kids had definitely seen it. On my way out I decided to take it home with me.
I guess when they realized the cake wasn’t in the garage fridge anymore, my sister called to ask me why I took it. I said I did because it was MY cake to celebrate MY accomplishment. She said, word for word “Are you f--&^ng serious? Oh my god Emma, GROW UP. You are such a f--#$ng baby.”
My Mom later texted me directly to tell me how disappointed she was that I threw a tantrum because my niece got more attention than me. I don’t think her read of what happened is right, but that is why I am asking you guys.
AITA because I took home the cake in the end? Was that really childish of me, considering the kids saw it and then didn’t get any? As I was putting on my shoes to leave, Steve found me and directly apologized and said that he was completely oblivious in the moment. I know he did not do anything to intentionally hurt me.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
They had wine, which naturally excluded you, right after you told them your good news. I am glad you took the cake!
So at the bottom of the post I talk about my brother in law Steve who is the one who opened the bottle. He apologized directly to me for it and that's what the look he gave me was about I think.
He said that he was just on autopilot with my sister talking and that when he saw me he was like "Oh f&^% that was a stupid thing to do." I am not mad at Steve and I know he didn't do it on purpose to upset me or anything.
The fact that they poured wine to celebrate right after OP reminded them that she was sober suggests that this may not be a healthy family for OP.
OP, well done. And well done for making it to 366 days after that s^&% show.
Well.... this will result in downvotes... but let me ask you this. how did your alcoholism affect your family? What happened before you went sober? Could some things you have done be affecting their reaction?
None of them believed me when I said I had a problem to begin with and tried to tell me that I was being hyperbolic about my drinking. I think it's part of why it took me several tries to actually get sober. I kept double guessing myself on if I "really" had a problem.
As far as things I did that really impacted them, when I was drinking heavily they saw me less often because I couldn't drive. So I'd skipped a handful of family get togethers just because I was already drunk at 2pm and couldn't get over there.
Later OP added this edit:
EDIT FOLLOW UP: Hi everyone, I just wanted to follow up and say thank you to everyone for the responses. I have a lot to think about when I next go to therapy (today, actually) and work on. I do want to clear up a few things that I've seen come up a lot on the comments:
I am not in AA. I'd tried AA before and it was not compatible for me. It works for a lot of people very well and I'm happy for you if it works for you. So, stuff about "the steps" and "personal inventory" are not relevant to me.
It wasn't a party for my niece, it was just a family dinner. The cake *was mine* and wasn't brought *for* my niece. I didn't take it *because* I wanted to "get back" at them. I took it because it's my favorite cake and I wanted to eat it because it was my thing that I earned.
I don't know why they opened wine for my niece getting into the gymnastic program. But I also don't think it's my place to say anyone else has a drinking problem, and I'd prefer to have eyes on my own paper. :)