'AITA for leaving my boyfriend after finding a woman in our bed?' MAJOR UPDATE
"AITA for leaving my boyfriend after finding a woman in our bed?"
So, I (26F) am going on a trip to London with my sister today. I’ve been staying with her since yesterday because she lives close to the airport. I realized I forgot my passport at my apartment, where my boyfriend (27M) and I live together, and I had time to go back and get it, so I did.
I texted him this morning to let him know I was coming back to get my passport, but he didn’t respond. When I got there, he looked really antsy and suspicious. I went into our bedroom and found a woman I don’t recognize lying in our bed (fully clothed). I just went on autopilot, grabbed my passport, told him “we’re over” and left.
Now, my boyfriend is blowing up my phone saying that the woman is his long-time friend and that she’s a lesbian who just needed a place to crash for the night. I don’t believe him because he never mentioned anything about her staying over while I was gone, and the whole situation feels off. He’s saying I’m making a huge mistake and that he’s telling the truth, but honestly, I’m just really hurt and confused.
He’s begging for me to hear him out and is apologizing, but this whole situation is not right. So, AITA for leaving him? Should I believe his explanation, or is my gut telling me the truth? We just signed the lease two months ago, and I’m literally leaving the country today, so it’s a horrible and stressful situation.
The internet did not hold back.
Selfpsycho wrote:
Questions: is this the straw that broke the camels back? Even if she is a lesbian, would him not mentioning it just be another thing on the list? Looking at your previous post it seems like it's not the only issue you have as a couple, the real thing to ask yourself is. Are the good things worth it whether it was genuinely just miscommunication or not. NTA ( depending on other issues).
OP responded:
Him not mentioning it is a dealbreaker for me, because we agreed not to have guests without telling each other beforehand. We established this as a boundary while living together.
We struggled emotionally during the moving process because he was stubborn and I was a pushover and didn’t advocate for my own needs (seen in my previous post). I chalked it up to moving stress. Other than that, he’s been a good partner, and I haven’t had any reason to believe he’s cheating. I feel very blindsided.
beached_not_broken wrote:
He’s banking on you continuing being a pushover. Get her number and tell her you want to meet her. If she’s his platonic friend, she will also want to sort this out for her friend.
NaturesVividPictures wrote:
NTA. Wow the moment you leave huh? Not even really you hadn't even left yet. Well if you happen to know her name you could always look at their social media media. you'll know really quick if she's really a lesbian or bi, but either way pretty weird and I wouldn't be believing him at all.
OP responded:
After I left I asked him for her Instagram or phone number. I’ve been demanding her contact info for hours and he still won’t give it to me. I want to hear her side of things, and he claims she has a girlfriend, so I think her girlfriend deserves to know as well.
DeerLoveMe wrote:
So you are going to believe the woman who sneaked into your bed?
OP responded:
No, which is why I’m notifying her GF.
omnihuman01 wrote:
I mean she needed a place to stay was the couch not sufficient. I'd be pissed even if it was two dudes or two women whatever that's our bed. I wouldn't want anyone else in it.
OP responded:
We have a pullout couch, so it’s definitely sufficient enough.
Whole-Willingness722 wrote:
You’re not wrong to be mad. I don’t buy the Bs of it being a lesbian friend either but the fact he was hiding it is in itself bad. Leave his ass!
OP responded:
Honestly I feel bad for her, he sent me screenshots of their texts and it seems she was under the impression he had my permission for guests. I think he put her in a dangerous situation by not telling me and letting me walk in on her in bed, I feel like other people in my situation might have screamed at her or even try to hurt her.
Ten days later, OP shared an update.
I’ve never updated a post on here before so I hope I’m doing this right? I went to London with my sister. I told my ex I wouldn’t be speaking to him, and I enjoyed our girls’ trip! As soon as I returned to the USA, I went and got tested for STI’s, and turns out he gave me chlamydia. I’m being treated for it now, but I’m going to see the gynecologist soon because I’m not sure how long I’ve had it (I’m asymptomatic).
I last tested negative for all STI’s in July 2023, right before I started seeing my ex. He’s the only person I’ve been with since then so he obviously gave it to me. I’m worried he’s had it this entire time and so have I. But I’m trying not to overthink the cheating/timeline of the chlamydia, I want to focus on my health. He never admitted to cheating.
We’re still broken up and I don’t plan on going back to him. Since we just signed a brand-new lease back in February, we’re discussing what to do about the apartment. I’ve been staying with my sister since we got back, so I’m thankfully not stuck in the apartment without a support system.
I really appreciate everyone’s advice. I’ve never been in this situation before, I was embarrassed to tell my family at first, so I went to strangers on the internet. I probably won’t update this post again since there isn’t much else to say. Thank you all for helping validate my confidence to leave him.
The comments kept coming in.
HeyLaddieHey wrote:
"I’m not sure how long I’ve had it (I’m asymptomatic). I last tested negative for all STI’s in July 2023,"
Even if you're in the most monogamous of monogamous relationships, please get tested at your yearly physical/well woman exam (and if you aren't in a place for yearlies, see if there's a nearby PP/low cost clinic). I always jokingly ask if there's anything my bf needs to come clean about before my results come in.
yiotaturtle wrote:
Just sayin' if, it literally could be anyone and I'd be thinking that a conversation would be in line. Even if it was my husband's relative and not someone who would just drop by, I'd be wondering what was going on. It's just there's a level of planning implied that's just unusual.
Lady_Trig wrote:
They're always a lesbian. One of my exes did the same thing, and I believed him until he wouldn't shut up about her and kept comparing me to her. I doubt out officially when one of his close friends called me and confirmed it. I was pregnant at the time.
esweat wrote:
WTF is the OP going on about? I always have my lesbian friends secretly crash in our place and sleep on the master bed whenever my partner is out of town.