'AITA for leaving my wife at a restaurant after she insulted me? She claims it was a joke.' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for leaving my wife at a restaurant after she insulted me?"

My wife (31F) and I (30F) were at a restaurant to celebrate a big milestone in my career. I was talking about my career in voice acting (which I absolutely love) before she decided to insult me by saying 'you should be a mime instead so no one has to hear you talking anymore'. My wife always makes a lot of jokes like these, basically insulting me which i usually don't pay too much attention to.

This 'joke' in particular really hurt me because I used to be very self conscious about my voice due to being b#$lied for years about the way I used to speak so this hit me really hard. She also knows this was a hard point in my life and it was very hard to get past it. After she said this, i just said 'are you serious?' before standing up abruptly and walking away.

I didn't tell her where I was going, but I drove to my studio and have been here for the past few hours. She has been blowing up my phone with calls and messages about leaving her at the restaurant to pay the bill (it was an expensive restaurant and I usually pay for our outings as I make more money) and for leaving her 'stranded' as I took the car when I left.

I'm not sure if I'm overreacting as my wife always says this is just her sense of humour and I need to stop being a snowflake but she is blowing up my phone calling me immature for leaving over a 'joke'. AITA for leaving her at the restaurant?

EDIT: since a lot of people are referring to me as a man, husband, he/him. I am a woman. Me and my wife are lesbians!! Thank you.

The internet had strong opinions.

Elef-ant wrote:

Does she even like you? It’s not a joke if no one’s laughing…

OP responded:

I would like to think so because we have been married for almost 5 years...she never used to make jokes like this before so I'm not really sure what happened.

Fatty_Bambour wrote:

NTA. Your wife is a b#$ly who is upset that you finally stood up to her and showed up her poor behaviour. She belittles you via her so-called sense of humour to make her feel better about herself.

I would hope that this might make her think about her behaviour in future, but I doubt it. B#$lies never change - they just become more subtle or find a new target. You need to have a good long think about the whole relationship.

HallAccomplished5000 wrote:

So you foot the bills for outings because you make more money...but she insults you?

You know you could be single and find someone who supports you in what you do and sees you as an equal partner and splits costs.

Go home and don't speak to her for a week when she tries to engage just don't speak. When she asks say you are 'just practicing your mime routine as apparently that is better.' When he comes to her wanting access to your money just say but it comes from me using my voice which you find so bad you rather I was a mute. Go figure it on your own. You are not a snowflake you are living with a b#$ly.

Far-Initiative-3303 wrote:

Jokes that hurt are called b#$ying. When her jokes don't land and she tells you to stop being a snowflake the red flags are flying high. Her not apologising but complaining about paying the bill and having no transport show she cares about herself not you and how she hurt you.

Your post and comments suggest this is a repeated pattern of behaviour and not a one off. Please consider if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. NTA.

Noodleswiththeeggie wrote:

NTA. Your wife sure is though. The first thing anyone owes their partner is respect. The second you stop respecting and admiring each other is when the relationship begins to die. She needs some help learning to respect you again, otherwise you should reconsider whether you want to spend the rest of your life with a b#$ly.

OkConsideration8964 wrote:

NTA. Jokes are supposed to be funny. This one was made at your expense, which makes it b#$lying. Congrats on your career milestone. I do a lot of on-hold voice over work ie: Your call is very important to us.

Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed. (I do some big national/international accounts so you've probably cursed at me at least once lol). I'm very fortunate that my husband is my biggest cheerleader. Your wife should be yours.

Msterious1 wrote:

I see the top comments all describing her as a bu#$y or just saying that her humour isn't humour. But the behavior you're describing is verbally and emotionally messed up. If someone said that to me, there would be no second chance. Getting stuck with an expensive restaurant bill and uber fare would be getting off lightly.

And no, this is not "just a sense of humour." Humour is something that makes people laugh with joy, not with embarassment or worse, grimace in pain instead.

You are not a snowflake, or an AH, for taking a very reasonable step to protect yourself. I hope you are stashing money in a secret account for the day when you find that you have no choice but to divorce.

Five days later, OP shared an update.

I wanted to post an update but I wasn’t sure how or where so I hope that it’s okay to post it here. :) Anyway, to answer a few comments I got: my wife is unemployed and has been for the past few years. She was working in a very toxic company and ended up leaving due to it taking a toll on her mental health.

I don’t care that she is unemployed as my salary is enough to support both of us comfortably. the restaurant was only a 10 minute drive away from our home and she had the house keys so she was not locked outside. Me and my wife have known each other since we were teenagers and have been married for 5 years.

We have always got along well but things have steadily been going downhill since she has been unemployed. I introduced my wife to playing games online after she was unemployed since she had a lot of free time and didn’t know what to do. I thought we could bond over this and I even ended up buying her a complete setup.

As time has moved forward, my schedule has gotten a lot busier and she has been spending most of her time online and honestly has seemed quite disconnected from reality. We have had many arguments about her change in attitude and lack of interest towards me in our relationship.

Most of the time, when we talk -- if I tell her about something good that has happened to me, she says something out of pocket but always ends up playing it off as a joke if I press on it. Despite this, she is also very lovely and sweet sometimes so don’t think of her a bad person.

Anyway, for the update. I ended up messaging my wife while I was at my studio that I wanted to take some time to think first and that I would be coming back home in the morning to talk with her about what happened. I also apologised for leaving her and not telling her where I was going but she didn’t reply which is a little unusual considering she was blowing up my phone.

I got pretty worried that something had happened to her so I ended up driving back home at 2-3am in the morning. I found her drinking alcohol at home. I’ve had a suspicion for a while that my wife has been drinking ‘secretly’ but every time I try to ask her about it, she changes the topic or avoids me. When she saw me, she asked why did I come back home and that she didn’t want to see me.

She seemed pretty drunk so I tried to give her some water and sober her up a little but she just knocked it out of my hands and started yelling at me about how I embarrassed her, that i’m ruining everything for her and a lot of insults. After her outburst, she locked herself away in her bedroom.

I ended up looking through her PC (I’m not proud of that) after as I saw a few comments that she could be cheating on me or that she resents me and she has been sending nudes to multiple different people online. I haven’t really spoke to her since that happened or brought up what I have found. This happened a few days ago.

We have only said a few words here and then since that night. I have been staying for as long as I can at my studio everyday since this happened. I don’t know how to face my wife or even look at her anymore. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even focus on my work properly anymore.

A lot of comments pointed at toxic patterns and after really evaluating the relationship and how I’ve been treated these last few years, I can really see it. I was so blinded and kept thinking to myself that things would somehow get better but I think it’s best to take some time to myself now. I’ve spoken to a few lawyers about divorce but I’m still waiting.

I’m not sure where my wife will live or how she will support herself since I have been supporting her financially so I'm still trying to work things out. This will probably be the only update I will make regarding this situation. So thank you again to everyone who commented and supported me.

The internet continued to share their thoughts on the situation.

National-Plastic8691 wrote:

Where she’ll live and how she’ll support herself isn’t your problem; that is the nature that if splitting up. And worrying about it is codependent, she’s got two feet and two hands and can work if she wants. It isn’t your concern or responsibility, in fact you taking care of her meant she didn’t have to take care of herself. Read about alcoholics, al-anon, and codependency.

Who gives an unemployed person a game system anyway? Give them classes to grow their skills for the next job or something to help them recover from the toxic workplace. She didn’t have nothing to do, she could have been learning or reading, maybe gaining new skills.

rocketmn_69 wrote:

Send her a message, "I embarrassed you at the restaurant? You embarrassed me by sending nude photos to guys and cheating on me. I supported you when you quit your job, so you could stay home and work on your mental health and this is how you repay me? I'll be staying at the studio indefinitely and contacting a lawyer."

ForgeWorldWaltz wrote:

My dudette, it sounds like your partner has hit a serious low point and needs help. The question is: are you going to be willing to put up with the toxic behavior they (or more accurately their likely depression) is going to throw at you? I’ve been on the other side of a similar situation and got dropped like the pile of burning trash that I was at the time. I’m not advising it, but I just want to warn you.

They sound depressed and like they’re self medicating. Trying to find meaning in much of anything. You’ve got your career and job so they may very well feel like they’re a burden on you and holding you back, which may feed into the self destructive behaviors they’re currently showing.

Whether or not you choose to stay with them, and I do hope you choose to stay, get them into some counseling as soon as humanly possible. Take a few days off and make yourself unavoidable. Make them aware that they is part of your life and you want to make sure they’re ok. Depression spirals are ugly things and it sounds like you’re entering long term effects to a random internet stranger.

The time where the small transgressions stop getting that dopamine hit and they may move into more serious transgressions. Sit down with them and have a very long, sober talk about everything. Don’t force them, but make it extremely difficult for her to passively avoid it. They sound like they’re in the depths of self loathing, a helping hand may be all they need to start climbing their way out.

Either way, good luck and go in kindness.

Edit: changed all my pronouns because I’m an idiot and got way too attached to my own experiences. Hopefully the point stick regardless of a rather egregious pronoun mishap.