'AITA for leaving a party because my date refused to get me water because it's subservient?'

"AITA for leaving a party because my date refused to get me water?"

I had been seeing someone I met through mutual friends. We’d had good times one-on-one, and when he invited me to events with his friends, I’d contribute to the group dynamic by never showing up empty handed and offering to grab drinks for others.

Fast forward to a holiday-themed party with his friends. My date and I planned to meet there and hang out afterward. I spent the day cleaning my condo and preparing mulled wine to bring.

During the party, people were getting drinks for one another, including me when I served the wine. At one point, I was sitting on the couch, blocked in by only my date on one side and many others on my other side. I was tired and didn’t feel like tightly squeezing past people I didn’t know, so I asked my date if he could grab me a glass of water.

He shook his head and after I said “huh” he said, “No. I was just up, and you could’ve asked before I sat down again.” I was taken aback because I view small gestures, like grabbing water, as basic acts of care for friends, but especially for someone you’re dating. That moment, combined with a long day of preparation, left me feeling drained.

Since the party was winding down and I didn’t have the energy to engage further, I said my goodbyes and called a ride. My date offered to walk me out and said he felt hurt that I was leaving. I explained I needed to recharge but that he was welcome to come over after the party.

As we walked out, I jokingly mentioned how him not getting me water surprised me. He replied, “Wow, that really upset you, huh? I have to be guarded about these things, you know.”

Later, we texted, but he seemed more upset about me leaving than interested in listening to why I felt drained.

When I tried to call, he didn’t answer.

His texts were curt, and I eventually told him I’d let him decompress. Two days later, I called to discuss what happened. He said he’d call that evening but didn’t reach out until three days later, saying, “I’m not dodging you, I’ve just been busy.” At that point, I was over it, especially since he never acknowledged the misunderstanding or my attempts to resolve it.

A month later, we finally had a conversation. He explained that getting me water felt “subservient” and was something I had to earn through time and “being in the trenches with him.” He also said I didn’t understand how busy his life was (for context, I work multiple jobs). I calmly explained that grabbing water for someone isn’t about being subservient but a small act of kindness.

After reflecting, I feel his responses and handling of the situation were disrespectful and indicative of bigger issues.

So, is there an AH here? I appreciate the perspective.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

haricotvert wrote:

NTA This was some red pill BS from him. The tip off is not just his use of the word "subservient" but also when he said this is something he has to be guarded about. There is this whole theory on the internet about how men should not give in to "tests" like this from women.

Dumba-s was too caught up in masculine mind games he created for himself to actually, you know, engage in a relationship. You dodged a b*llet.

omek_sisi wrote:

NTA, you’re within your rights to feel turned off by this, I would be too. It’s not like you’re constantly asking him to get you things, it’s just one tiny favor. Small acts of kindness go a long way in building a connection and he couldn’t even be bothered to do that much? He believes it’s “subservient” to get your date a glass of water? Consider yourself lucky, you dodged a b-llet.

blitzen_13 wrote:

You are NTA for leaving the party. But you should really think about why you kept pursuing this person for weeks afterwards when they had clearly either lost interest completely or was playing some emotionally manipulative game by making you feel you were in the wrong. Don't fall for it. They are not worth a single moment more of your time.

Mysterious_Sparks wrote:

You are NTA. This seems to be a bigger issue than just water. He could have asked if you needed something when he went earlier before he sat down. He could have said 'I just sat down' or 'I'm talking to someone right now' and '...but let me get up so you can go get some' or something considerate.

It seems, instead, to have been an opening for him to start some s--t with you. Who needs that? I think I'd just move on, and let him stand up for his rights or something with someone who gives a sh*t.

LACna wrote:

NTA. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

You really dodged a bullet there! Getting a glass of water for someone is literally the most basic thing you can do for them.

I've offered water to the mailman, Fedex workers, landscapers and roofers doing work across the street from my house, etc. It's basic kindness.

JellyBear135 wrote:

NTA. Making mulled wine for a holiday themed party with his friends is such an awesome gift. I would bend over backwards for any guest who brought such a treat. I echo most everyone’s comments here that he is probably listening to red pill stuff on the Internet and not really realizing that relationships are reciprocal.

LunarPearII wrote:

NTA like at ALL. The fact that he thinks getting you water is “subservient” is a HUGE red flag. It shows he has a really messed up view on relationships and basic respect. And then to say you have to “earn” it by being “in the trenches” with him?

Like, wtf does that even mean? He sounds exhausting and immature, you def dodged a b*llet. I wouldn't waste any more time on someone who makes such simple acts of kindness into some weird power play.