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'AITA for leaving for the weekend after my wife agreed to host Easter without asking me?'

'AITA for leaving for the weekend after my wife agreed to host Easter without asking me?'

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Sometimes, you must simply remove yourself from a space to set a boundary.

In a popular online post, a man asked if he was wrong for leaving for the weekend after his wife volunteered to host Easter without asking him. He wrote:

"AITA for leaving for the weekend after my wife agreed to host Easter at our house without consulting me?"

My wife (38F) and I (39M) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (11, 8, & 6). We live reasonably close to family on both our sides.Our house isn't huge by any means, but it's big enough for our family. However, no one else on my wife's side of the family lives in a house. Her siblings all either rent homes with roommates or live in apartments.

Her parents downsized into a smaller townhome about 5 years ago. As a result, any time her family wants to get together for a holiday or special occasion, we are the ones who end up hosting. It's not even a discussion with her family anymore, everyone just assumes that we are going to be the ones who host.

We at least rotate major holidays between my family and hers, but my siblings and parents can also host gatherings so hosting duties are spread out amongst all of us. But every Thanksgiving, Xmas, 4th of July, Easter, etc that we spend with her family, we host. And her family are not the best guests. They will bring food if we ask, but any time there is cleanup or other help, they are nowhere to be found.

I have expressed my dislike of this "arrangement" to my wife numerous times. She has insisted that I not say anything to her family about it and to let her handle it. However, nothing has ever changed. We hosted Xmas for her family this year and it sucked. People showed up late, "forgot" the food they were supposed to bring, no one helped with cleaning, people let their kids make messes etc.

Same old story as every other time. After that I told my wife I was done. I told her I don't want to host her family until someone else on her family steps up and hosts something or we book some other venue and all chip in to pay for it. She promised to talk to her family about it and figure something out for next holiday. For Easter this year we were supposed to just have it be our family, no extended family.

But a couple weeks ago my wife met up with her mom and sister for lunch. When she got home she informed me that she talked to them about how hard hosting Xmas was. She said her mom and sister agreed that they would do better and offered to prove it to us on Easter and my wife agreed. We got into a huge fight over it. I told my wife that she is on her own for this one.

I told her I would be spending the entirety of Easter weekend with my family and I'll take any kids with me that want to come. But I am not going to be helping with any of the hosting duties whatsoever. She thinks I am overreacting and that I need to give her family this final chance because her mom and sister seemed really sincere during their talk.

I told her I don't care what they say, I'm not going to be involved at all because I won't be able to hold my tongue this time and I don't want it to come to that. She is not happy with me at all but I don't really care. To top it off, all 3 of our kids want to come spend the weekend with me instead of staying home.

The internet shared all of their thoughts and opinions.

owls_and_cardinals wrote:

NTA. I don't think your wife is being firm enough with her family, and even if she's trying to negotiate some improvement out of them, it was out of line for her to agree to it without talking to you. It sounds like she's taking you for granted.

This might be her 'handling it' but it feels a bit too little / too late to expect you to host yet again just to give the family another chance, especially when she committed without talking to you. And, without knowing the family, I can't say I have a lot of faith any improvements they demonstrate this weekend will 'stick'.

The answer is that you guys should NOT have to solely face hosting duties, in fact you should not be hosting at all unless you're both bought in, end of story. I think the issue at hand though is that even if this weekend is far more pleasant for you because you're just not there, it's still unresolved.

Won't this just come up AGAIN at the next holiday? Are you going to take your wife at her word if she tells you after Easter it was way better? I think you have more talking to do with your wife, and sadly I think the line might be that you discontinue hosting for the foreseeable future or that you're leaving every time she signs up to host.

OP responded:

"And sadly I think the line might be that you discontinue hosting for the foreseeable future or that you're leaving every time she signs up to host."

I don't think either one of those scenarios would make me sad at all.

owls_and_cardinals responded:

I get that, but you should think about the repercussions of this on your marriage, and perhaps on your relationship with your inlaws. While it might be A solution, it feels like a somewhat toxic, certainly divisive one (you leaving for every holiday, I mean). This is why I think it's unresolved with your wife.

OP responded:

"But you should think about the repercussions of this on your marriage, and perhaps on your relationship with your inlaws."

Funny, I said something very similar to my wife when she came home and told me she had agreed to host Easter again this year.

Mrsjavey wrote:

How does she feel about all 3 kids wanting to come with you? NTA.

OP responded:

She's pissed. She tried bargaining with them but they all want to see their cousins on my side of the family because they're closer in ages and have more in common.

JeepersCreepers74 wrote:

NTA. What she means is, she never told them you weren't hosting, when she met up with them, they brought up Easter dinner assuming it would be at your house, she got a few quick words in about how they need to help clean as you're getting frustrated with it, and otherwise acted as a doormat for her family at your expense.

Go hang out with your family, but don't expect your wife to explain the reasons why you went to her own. She'll say your mom insisted you be there or something to that effect and no lessons will be learned by anyone.

hopingtothrive wrote:

Why do you think your kids want to spend Easter away from home and away from their mom?

Did you ask them to pick or do they dislike your wife's family?

OP responded:

Yes, I asked them. Their cousins on my side are closer in age to them and they all get along great. So having a sleepover weekend with their cousins sounds like a lot more fun to them.

FairyPenguinStKilda wrote:

I suspect my father did this when I was a child - it put an end to my mothers sh*tfuckery with her family rocking up and staying for weeks. Dad took us kids camping - we had a great time - it was pretty Lord of The Flies, but with good food. 8 kids, one adult, one large Army Tent and hunting and fishing and foraging in the middle of the Victorian Alps.

mikeesq22 wrote:

The fact that ALL of your kids want to come with you for Easter is very telling. Me thinks that there's more to your wife's family's antics than just being messy. Even without that fact, you stated a clear boundary that your wife chose to ignore. It also sounds like your wife had multiple chances to address this issue and failed. How are you to believe that this is the "final" chance. NTA.

OP is NTA here, the hope - of course, is that his wife will put her foot down in the future.

Sources: Reddit
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