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'AITA for letting my boyfriend touch my surrogate bump, upsetting my sister?' UPDATED

'AITA for letting my boyfriend touch my surrogate bump, upsetting my sister?' UPDATED

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Surrogacy is a complex process, even moreso - if you're acting as surrogate for a family member you regularly hang out with.

"AITA for letting my boyfriend touch my surrogate bump, upsetting my sister?"

Hi, so last year I (29f) agreed to be a surrogate for my sister(Lets call her N) and her husband(both 27) due to an unfortunate high likelihood of infertility diagnosis in my sister.

They didn't have the funds to hire an actual surrogate and I am basically the only person they're actually close with that has a child (a requirement to be a surrogate), meaning I was essentially their only option. I didn't love the idea at first, but after watching them struggle to conceive for the last two years, and some light insistence from my sister, I said ok.

They did agree to pay me some form of compensation, but from googling it seems like its maybe 30% of what it would normally cost. Anyway, fast forward to today and I am 7 months along and all has went realistically pretty well. My sister has definitely been checking in on me all the time, but I can't really blame her for that. But the problem occurred a couple days ago.

So a couple months ago I met a guy at a work event (Lets call C) and we hit it off, he has a couple kids of his own so he doesn't mind anything about my situation and it's been going really well. Now that we've been together for a couple months, I wanted to introduce him to my sister so I set up a dinner for the 3 of us (originally 4 but her husband couldn't make it).

My sister picked me up and drove me over since he was going to meet us there, and as soon as I got in the car I already felt like she was upset but didn't think anything of it. We sat down at the restaurant and waited, until C arrived. He came over greeted us, giving me a kiss and quickly rubbing my belly, nothing really out of the ordinary, but I could see my sisters eye's bulge.

I was super confused but didn't say anything about it. We went about our night and she played nice-ish, but was pretty quiet, and honestly it was a pretty awkward meal. When we left and I got back in the car she just UNLOADED into me, saying how weird it was that he kept touching my belly.

I asked her what the hell she was talking about and she said that apparently "he basically had his hands on it the whole night" and also that "it was super weird because it's her baby"...I just rolled my eyes and told her regardless of it being her baby it was my body, which just made her even more mad.

I don't know, she hasn't talked to me in the last 2 days over this. I really don't feel like she has any right to police physical intimacy between me and my boyfriend, just because it's her baby I'm carrying. Like, look, I'm pregnant and I have a boyfriend, obviously he is going to touch my bump? AITA?

Shortly after posting, OP posted a small update/clarification.

EDIT: Just because I'm seeing this a lot, baby is not biologically mine. It's her and her husbands, im a gestational surrogate. Also maybe I undersold it in my initial description but he did touch it a lot more than just when he greeted us, he basically had his hand on it the whole time we weren't eating. I didn't really think anything weird about it but figured I'd clarify.

The internet did not hold back.

No_System_2510 wrote:

I'm not putting a judgement but I do just want to say that him keeping his hand on your belly for an extended period of time, like your edit describes, is pretty bizarre.

I think it definitely goes past the territory of him just being an affectionate partner saying hi to the baby or something. Pregnancy f*tishes do exist, and while this isn't damning evidence it's definitely. An indicator at least. As a thought experiment, has he done anything else that might suggest he's one of those guys?

OP responded:

Someone else commented about this earlier too, but I dont really know what would suggest that one way or another. He does touch my belly a lot, it's basically his default spot he puts his hand. And he makes a lot of comments/jokes about how big I am? I don't really think either of those things are out of the usual though.

Kenobi030420 wrote:

NTA. But I'd keep an eye on the BF. I'm pregnant with my second and my husband only touches the bump when I ask him if he wants to feel a kick. Your very new BF having his hands on the bump all the time is strange to me and I'd be worried about a k*nk.

But your sister has no business policing how you live your life as long as you're medically healthy and needs to take a step back and remember what an incredible favour you are doing for her and her husband.

OP responded:

Thank you for sharing your experience. His actions haven't felt out of the normal for me because my ex-husband was also very hands on when I was pregnant with our daughter.

Massive_Homework9430 wrote:

Your BF of two months isn’t the father…

AcrobaticHeron1142 wrote:

NTA, you’re doing her an AMAZING favour and it’s your body….I know it’s her baby in there, but he’s rubbing your belly. If you’re comfortable with it, I don’t get where she’s coming from with this. I think it’s just a natural thing especially since he has kids of his own it’s probably just an instinct (almost like saying hi to baby lol). Your sister is overreacting big time.

DerpDevilDD wrote:

NTA That's really weird and controlling of her. Maybe she's harboring a secret paranoia that you're going to try to keep her baby and him acting like an expectant father is triggering that paranoia.

daskleinemi wrote:

Yeah that was my first thought too. Depending on where they live her rights as the biological mother might be limited or next to nothing. I assume the diagnosis of infertility and the hard time to concieve have taken their toll on her and so many people are terribly unkind to women that for whatever reason can't just have a baby "normally."

Might also be a portion of grief that she is not experiencing the pregnancy herself and a portion of pain and a portion of guilt and a portion of fear that they might not bond easily and and and. I can only fathom the very complicated feelings that are and will be a part of this.

Nevertheless there is no policing OP's body contact with anyone. So OP, NTA, but you as a family might want to take a look into the complex feelings behind all of this and if you can ANYHOW afford it a little familiy counseling now and then? Because if her feelings are going tornado NOW, they might go bigger tornado later and you'll be dealing with new and old feels and grudges and fears.

A month later, OP jumped on with an update.

It's been over a month since my OP, and was surprised by how much interest the post got so I figured I owe you guys an update post.

Sister update: On the sister front, all is well. We talked it over very shortly after my post, some complicated emotions we had to work through but we're in a good place now. It is too long to get into here, but I can tell you on this front it was a happy ending, and she is very excited to meet her baby next month.

Boyfriend update: This one went a little different. There were a lot of people in the comments suggesting he had a pregnancy f*tish, which previous to my post I didn't even know existed.

I pondered on it but wasn't really sold on the idea, and coincidentally he actually went on a work trip for about 3 weeks shortly after, so we didn't really talk until he came back to town, which was about a week and a half ago now.

Honestly when he came back, I'd almost like, forgotten about that as a possibility so when I went to see him for the first time in nearly a month at his apartment and he instantly lifted up my shirt and told me how much bigger I'd gotten I didn't really think anything of it. He was right, I did actually grow a lot and it seemed like a normal enough reaction but looking back on it now...

It wasn't even like he hugged me or greeted me, or gave me a kiss, it was just straight away right to my bump. We ended up getting dinner with one of my friends later that same night, again me still in some form of either denial or just inattention.

I guess just like the last time, I didn't really notice his behavior being weird but when he went home and I went with her to her house, she had some questions similar to my sister. "Is that not exhausting for you??" she asked me, which I was just confused by.

"All the belly touching and rubbing, and the comments and the jokes and stuff?" she followed up.

Me: "It doesn't seem too irregular to me, people make jokes and comments to me all the time, even you do"

Her: "Sure, I'll make one every now and then, but in a 1 hour dinner he made soooo many...like he described you as his "overinflated girlfriend", something about being ready to pop, something else about a balloon and I know there were others I'm forgetting."

Hearing it now from my sister, my friend, and the internet, it finally kinda clicked for me that maybe in fact everyone else was right. I had her drop me at his place and I confronted him about it. Not in like, an aggressive way or anything but just asked him if it was true. To my surprise he looked at me in surprise, and just said "uhhh yeah, I thought you knew. Sorry I thought it was kind of obvious."

We had a long talk about it, I don't really think a f*tish is an inherently bad thing and people like to make them more taboo than they need to be. While his behavior was obviously sometimes strange, it was never like, vio*lent or honestly even upset me.

I told him I would think about if I wanted to continue seeing him, which he was ok with and gave me space. I haven't reached out to him yet but I am thinking about it, as I did enjoy the time we spent together even regardless of his inclinations. Anyway, those are the updates, hope you enjoyed the happy and...sort of happy ending for both?

The internet was deeply invested in the update.

imnotlyndsey wrote:

He only got with you in the first place because you were visibly pregnant. That’s so weird.

TwoBionicknees wrote:

Yup. The whole coming home and touching the bump and not kissing her or showing her affection is, wow. I get people have a breeding k*nk, but going straight for the bump as if she herself is unimportant here is actually creepy as f**k. It's like as soon as she gives birth he'll be completely uninterested in her, or be begging to knock her up immediately.

Peaceful_Stranger wrote:

What’s happens after the baby, will he still want to be with you? If his k*nk is pregnant women, what’s the game plan once you give birth?

Also, did he only get with because you were pregnant…

kiwipapabear wrote:

I respect that he was willing to be upfront and open about his interest in pregnancy. I think a lot of the commenters here have a valid concern that he’s primarily interested in you for your pregnancy, but you also don’t know that for sure.

It’s weird and concerning that he acts more friendly to your belly than the rest of you, but I also know how a fascination with one thing in particular can make you act strangely without realizing it.

Since he’s been open so far, I’d straight up ask. Are you interested in me because I’m pregnant? Would you be okay if I didn’t want to get pregnant again for a while? Or ever? Certainly take his response with a grain of salt, but give him a chance to continue being upfront and honest.

Hopefully, OP is able to figure out what's best for her relationship wise moving forward, and everything with the baby goes smoothly.

Sources: Reddit
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