'AITA for not telling my brother's girlfriend that my bachelorette party plans changed?'
"AITA for not telling my brother's girlfriend that my bachelorette party plans changed?"
My brother has been trying to push me to get closer to his girlfriend "Mary" (together 3 months). I've done my best to get to know her (initiating dinners, trying her hobbies with her, etc.) but we honestly don't really get along.
I personally think she's a snob (she complimented my designer bag, but took the compliment back when she found out it was thrifted. As in literally said "yike, I take that back") while she thinks I lack "culture and sophistication" (also something she's mentioned when trying to convince me to do a "makeover" with her).
The issue is that I'm getting married this year, and my brother has been REALLY trying to get her involved. I put my foot down with the bridal party since they've only been dating for 3 months and I don't know her, but he insisted that I invite her to the bachelorette. It was originally supposed to be super lowkey and local. Mary tried to push for something more extravagant, but it really wasn't in my budget.
When I wouldn't budge, she told us something came up that weekend and she couldn't go. I was later surprised by my friends who had come together to organize a lavish weekend through favors and points (i.e. one of my friend's aunts works for a spa, so she was able to get discounted packages, another used her travel points to book a suite, etc).
I was not told about this, and was truly and happily surprised. The issue is that Mary found out when we posted pictures and she was PISSED. My brother is now saying that I deliberately left her out, but she told me she was busy! Mary said that if she had known what the weekend was like though, she would have rearranged her schedule.
I feel conflicted because I suspect that my friends didn't tell Mary on purpose, but they're claiming they made these plans after Mary bowed out and didn't reach back out since she was busy. My brother still says I should have double checked and made more of an effort to let Mary know my plants, so I figured I'd ask the internet for their thoughts!
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Peony-Pony wrote:
NTA Your brother needs to back off. You don't need be to his snooty girlfriend's bestie. You extended an invitation to your bachelorette, she declined the invitation feigning she had other plans. Your friends surprised you with a spa weekend.
"The issue is that Mary found out when we posted pictures and she was PISSED. My brother is now saying that I deliberately left her out, but she told me she was busy! Mary said that if she had known what the weekend was like though, she would have rearranged her schedule."
This situation falls into the category of not your problem. If Ms Snootypatooty's schedule was too busy for a night a Dave and Buster's, she's still too busy for a spa weekend. Your brother is delusional if he thinks his girlfriend matters to anyone but him.
Plastic_Cat9560 wrote:
NTA. Your friends surprised you with a nice weekend. Operative word “surprised.” It does sound like she was purposely left off the invite list, by your friends who likely know how she has interacted with you in the past. I’m sorry, you both just don’t mesh well, and it could have complicated your party.
It’s done and over, you had a great time, and finally…it’s YOUR wedding. You can invite who you want. It’s not your brother’s decision. She can be a guest, not in the wedding party. Too much, too soon.
DinaFelice wrote:
"I'm extremely hurt that your girlfriend flat-out said that she wasn't interested in coming to my bachelorette for me and your takeaway is that I should have enticed her with cooler activities. It is not my job to entertain your girlfriend."
"I only invited her because you wanted me to, therefore her initial invitation was a favor to you, and it was certainly not my responsibility to second-guess whether she was lying to me about the fact that she claimed to be unavailable."
"But it's time to move past that. I think it is now perfectly clear that Mary literally doesn't care about me...and that's okay! If she makes you happy, that's what matters; she and I don't need to be best friends. But I will not be extending any more invitations to her other than those where she is your plus-one."
NTA. I actually consider your brother to be the biggest AH in this situation since he used his family connection to you to pressure you to include her and then hypocritically blamed you for the fact that she chose not to attend (when he shouldn't have asked you to invite her unless he was sure she would want to go).
Her AH-ishness is more impersonal and limited to the fact that she is exhibiting entitled and snobbish behavior.
ivefallenandicantget wrote:
Wow. Mary sounds exhausting. Spending even 5 minutes with her would be 5 minutes you could never get back. NTA.
PS. Good job on saying no regarding your wedding party. Work on saying no when that is what you really want.
Snoodoughnuts4691 wrote:
Brother's gf sounds insufferable. After 3 while months the push by brother is ridiculous and entitled. She bowed out as it wasn't up to her standards, yet you have a wonderful day and she's left out?? NTA.
lilolememe wrote:
NTA. Your brother is missing all of the red flags in this woman. He needs to RUN. If she couldn't spend time with his sister low-key, then she's not invested in his family. You don't owe her a single thing. Hopefully, he breaks up with her, and he'll be grateful, he doesn't have to see her in any of your wedding photos.
Immontes wrote:
You are so NTA. Your brother is for dating that kind and trying to push her into the wedding plans and letting her be rude to you. She is an AH who didn't want to go and then ONLY got mad because of the type of party it was? she's an AH for not caring about YOU the BRIDE. Wah wah wah.