'AITA for looking up public records to see why my husband’s friend went to prison?'
"AITAH for looking up public records to see why my husband’s friend went to prison?"
I (35F) have been married to Jack (35M) for 9 years now. No kids. My husband reconnected with his childhood bestfriend “Denver” 5 years ago. He’s a really nice guy. I became really close friends with his wife “Cassie." We all hang out weekly since they moved super close to us 3 years ago.
A few years ago I remember asking my husband why he and Denver lost touch since they get along so well. He kinda shrugged and said “oh you know, life stuff." I was like “oh yeah, I get it” and moved on.
We invited Denver and Cassie to join us on a week long camping trip. On the second night we sat by the fire just talking and drinking beers. Denver made a really good meal for us out of just random snack food ingredients. I asked how he learned to make this, and he laughed and said “well in prison you learn to get pretty creative."
I tried to hide my surprise but obviously failed. Denver was confused and said “what you didn’t know? I mean I spent the majority of my 20s in prison…” He looked at Jack and said “seriously dude you didn’t tell her?” Jack just shrugged.
I was like “hm no I didn’t know” and tried to pivot the conversation. It was awkward for a split second but we moved on. I assumed Jack didn’t to tell me because he wanted to respect his friends privacy. It happened in the past, and it’s not my business.
However I’m not gonna lie I got super curious and looked up his public records to see what happened. After I was like “oh okay then, anyways” and didn’t think about or bring it up again the rest of the trip.
It wasn’t until after the trip my husband asked me to be honest with him, and asked if I looked up Denver’s records. I shrugged and said yeah I did, but it obviously doesn’t matter or change anything.
Jack was visibly angry and asked why I didn’t ask Denver myself. I was confused and was like “I didn’t think you were supposed to ask stuff like that?” He said “then wouldn’t that give you a clue maybe it’s not okay to go poking your nose where it doesn’t belong?”
I pointed out that Denver was actually surprised I didn’t know, so he clearly doesn’t treat it like it’s some huge secret. I assumed it wasn’t a big deal since he mentioned it so casually? I also admitted I was just curious too.
Jack then accused me of making it a big deal out of it. I said “uh no I’m not. To be honest I don’t understand why we are even having a conversation about this?” Jack yelled at me to stop acting dense and I’m missing the point. I told him if anything he’s the one making a huge deal out of it.
I didn’t even bring it up! He did! Plus it’s literally public information anyone can see anonymously? We went back and forth until I called a time out. We agreed to both take some time to cool our heads and talk it out later.
Honestly I have no idea why he’s getting so upset over this. Sure “curiosity killed the cat” but I kept it to myself. I didn’t even think to bring it up or make it a conversation even in private with my husband.
Because like I said, it doesn’t matter to me at the end of the day. It’s not like he’s a p*do or beats women, so who am I to judge? Just to clarify since I’m sure the comments will suggest this, I am not and have never been a gossiper/“vent-er." AITAH?
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
Kampfzwerg0 said:
Check your husband's record.
MamaPagan said:
First of all... NTA. Secondly, that's some concerning red flags your husband is throwing up there... maybe look up his record too if he has one.
He needs to seriously chill, his reaction is not ok and very aggressive for absolutely zero reason. You need to make it absolutely clear his reaction is not ok and you will not put up with that. Good on you for calling a time out before it got worse.
DaniCapsFan said:
You were on a weeklong camping trip with this guy. You want to know that you can trust him. I can see how asking someone directly why they were in prison might be awkward whereas doing a quick look-see online is not. You got the information you needed to set your mind at ease. NTA.
MkJorgy said:
NTA - I would go check that site for your husband's name. Maybe the reason he thinks you should not be looking into someone history.
DoubtImpressive5855 said:
NTA. The only reason you know he wasn't a pedo or woman beater is because you looked it up. You have a right to know who you are in the company of. I really worry about your husband's response here because he doesn't seem to have your best interests at heart and is more worried about the imaginary hurt feelings of his friend.
biscuitboi967 said:
NTA - it’s frankly odd and concerning NOT to look up why someone you are spending overnights with spent a decade in prison. Moreover, part of rehabilitation is taking responsibility for your past and the (potential) harm you may have caused. Not pretending like nothing happened.
tessellation__ said:
I would be pissed if my husband took me on a camping trip out in the woods with someone who spent a significant portion of their life in jail and didn’t mention it to me. I don’t give a damn if he’s in jail for tax evasion. It’s a crucial thing!