'AITA for losing it and calling my father a weak pathetic man in front of his family?' UPDATED 3X

"AITAH for losing it and calling my father a weak pathetic man in front of his family?"

My father has always been against any confrontation or arguments. He is extremely passive, refuses to stand up for himself, and avoids any conflict. If someone isn't paying attention while walking and bumps into him, he insist it's his own fault. If his employer would mess up his salary, he wouldn't bother fixing it. If a mechanic didn't properly repair his car, he would just accept it as is.

This unfortunately resulted in a tumultuous childhood with my insanely narcissistic mother. She controlled his every move. She got him to quit his job and be a locked in stay at home dad. She had him do every chore. She insulted him at every step. She cheated on him relentlessly and even brought APs into our home. She enjoyed making his life miserable every day and he never questioned it.

My extended family, God bless them, were there for me so many times as much as they could be. They tried for years to make my father leave but he never budged. When she would direct her anger onto myself, in the form of screaming, insulting or general demeaning, my father never once found the guts to stand up for me or support me.

When I was a kid if I cried to dad about something mom did or said to me he would sweep it under the rug or just insist I forget about it. Hell, he would even try and justify it. As I grew older it really set in for me how messed up this was. My mother gladly kicked me out of the house when I was 18 and my father just sat there and looked sullen. Didn't say a damn thing.

I joined the Air Force almost immediately and got stationed on the other side of the country. The dynamic was awful and I could have easily gone down the incel route if not for therapy and the amazing people I met along the way. It took years for me to get in a better mental space. I was filled with hatred. My mother left my father 2 years after I got stationed and utterly destroyed my father in the divorce.

She passed away a year later in a DUI with one of her APs. I took a lot of joy in hearing that it took her hours to die, and that's when I really knew I needed help to process things. I'm almost 30 now, have a girlfriend who is perhaps the best thing to ever happen in my life, and fully understands the situation with my family.

I have learned to not allow myself to be consumed with anger and resentment by my past (or so I thought, you'll see) and instead put that energy to my future. I have been extraordinarily low contact/ near no contact with my father since I left. As much as I try, I cannot make that connection with him. I recently went to a family reunion and brought my girlfriend with me.

My father was there as it was his side of the family. They have many issues with him but he is family so whatever I guess. I made sure to avoid him.I was chatting with my uncles when I heard my father talk in the background. He was discussing how a coworker of his was going through a divorce as he discovered his wife was having an affair, and was positioned to have a very favorable divorce on his side.

My father remarked how his coworker should work instead to forgive his wife and by his own words "set a good example for unity and forgiveness", and how he believed he set a great example for me in that extent.

I swear it was like a switch went off in my head and I was mentally back to being the rage filled 18 year old. All these years and he never learned a damn thing. I turned to him and asked if he was serious. He looked at me and started to stutter.

I know the next minute was pure word vomit and I can't relay it perfectly, but to sum it up I shouted how he was a pathetic father, pathetic man, his family all know he's a disgrace of a human being who would rather his son be treated like s-t then defend him because he's a coward.

No one would ever see him as an example to live by, his wife would rather f half the neighborhood then even touch him, and he should never EVER believe anyone respects him.

I began to derail and ramble between my shouting and my girlfriend quickly took me out and drove me home. It was insane just how quickly being away from him made me feel better. She just held me when we got back and told me it's OK. Again, best thing to ever happen to me. I was ashamed of how I lost It and am now going to resume my therapy, that's a given.

However, I'm glad I finally unloaded what always needed to be said to him. Extended family is pretty mixed with reactions. His brothers/my uncles said it was time for him to hear it from me, my grandparents are pissed I did that in front of the entire extended family, with some saying I should have done that behind closed doors instead of everyone.

Much like OP, the internet did not hold back.

Mesmerizing-Taylor wrote:

It sounds like you finally got to express the pent-up feelings you've carried for so long. While the outburst wasn't ideal, it seems like it was a necessary step towards healing. It's good you're resuming therapy to process this further.

OP responded:

Yeah afterwords it hit me that although it was very cathartic, It definitely wasn't the most appropriate way to handle it lol

nevertoomuchthought wrote:

He sounds like a gentle, kind, and well-meaning person. You directed what is very clearly anger and resentment for your mother at him. It's a bit more complicated than being an AH or not. You seem to have got some catharsis out of it I just don't believe he is the one you really wanted to scream at and from the sounds of it he was also a victim of your mother too.

And while he was the adult and should have known better he obviously didn't. Being non-confrontational isn't some character flaw. It's psychological. And he probably needs therapy himself. Screaming at him and demeaning him actually sounds like something your mother probably did/would do and I worry about you if that is something that actually made you feel better about yourself.

OP responded

Yes I fully admit he was a victim of my mother, but he was a victim who had a support system he never wanted to use, he fully let me be a victim my entire childhood because apparently it was too much effort to try, and to this day doesn't believe he needs therapy.

nevertoomuchthought wrote:

All I can say is based on your post and this interaction is your anger is deeply misguided. And you're failing to recognize the truly horrifying thing. You're behaving like the mother you actually should hate.

OP responded:

Oh trust me I fully hate her as well, but she is gone, and there is no use in holding a grudge against a deceased person. I had hoped though, after his son making him an outsider in his life, his family openly joking face to face about his failings as a father, and his ex-wife draining him for everything he had and making him start over in a one bedroom apartment.

His friends slowly leaving his life one at a time out of embarrassment, that he would have maybe have at least one moment to reflect and maybe consider he should have done things differently.

LinaWang101 wrote:

NTA. We all have our breaking points, and sometimes years of unaddressed pain come out in less than ideal circumstances. What you've described isn't just a mishandling of a situation; it's the culmination of a childhood filled with neglect and hurt.

Your father's inaction and rationalization of ab-se made him complicit. It's unfortunate that this had to happen at a family gathering, but your emotions are valid and don't always emerge according to plan. I hope this moment can be a catalyst for you to find further healing and for your father to finally understand the gravity of his failings.

Your next steps in therapy are crucial. Continue to work through your pain without shame; you're reclaiming your voice and your right to emotional safety.

GrouchySteam wrote:

I was so ready to give the benefit of the doubt.

After all you never met the man he was previously to meeting your mother. Your description sounded as someone delusional after years of ab-se in a toxic relationship.

However you had an horrendous childhood due to his inability to protect his child. Decades later he isn’t even remotely remorseful, worst he is proud of himself. What the heck! He was gloating about his own failures. NTA for snapping at him. It wasn’t uncalled for.

Btw I would guess than your grandparents are pissed about what it said of them. They are the one responsible for raising that pathetic man. They let you suffer at the hand of their own son. Take care. Glad you made otherwise peace with your past. Don’t believe being triggered is setting you back on your progress. Even without wounds salty water can be itchy.

OP responded:

Eh yeah either way I need to hop back on the horse for therapy. It'll be good for me. As for my grandparents, I really have had to look back as to how far this pattern of enabling goes back. I know they all did what they could to try and help, but it always seemed like there were times that more active measures could be taken.

Times where people should have been far more stern with his addressing his behavior. The older generation on his side are the classical " they're family and we stick together no matter what" and I have to think whether his passiveness and enabling is something he picked up on his own or something he learned from his own parents.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Thanks for the advice and recommendations, even amongst some of the YTA. However, some of them needed to he addressed because they were either hilarious or cringe worthy

Some of them were very angry, and they kind of confused me at first until I saw their comments further down or saw their profile and saw rants about double standards or complete non sequitur ramblings about women. So yeah, not helpful advice and they were great dark reflections about how I could have turned out if not for the support in my life.

Some attempted to portray my dad as a humble, kind, caring sensitive old man who I'm just being a big bully to. This was a very good insight into how enablers of ab-se get away with so much in today's world, because so many people forget how they are part of the ab-se themselves.

Some were attempting to mentally dissect me or have a gotcha moment with me to pull apart my story. That was generally asinine and I had to step away from those before they asked for my cranial measurements or something.

So it was pretty much immediately when I was up the next morning that I realized I needed to resolve the events of last night. I first spoke to my girlfriend and gave a sincere apology for having her see me like that. She reassured me that nothing was wrong, she'd known me for years and has always known me to be level headed, and understands why I kinda snapped.

She herself has a history of dealing with narcissistic family so she absolutely understands the dynamic. She only really told me that it would be best to work on spending time around my extended family since my father will always be there. I told her don't worry, I'm immediately going to talk to them afterwords to figure that out.

So that parts fine. Looked like kind of a jerk in front of her, but I'm making sure that doesn't happen again. I also informed of her my intentions to resume more therapy just to keep myself steady which she was happy to hear. I called my grandparents and sincerely apologized as well for putting such a sore dent into their family reunion.

That it wasn't appropriate and while I still feel it felt good to say that to him, it should have been privately and not in front of everyone. I also told then that going forward, as much as I love spending time with them, since the family always hangs out in one group that my father will always be in, for now until I can handle being around him, I need to distance myself occasionally until I feel comfortable interacting.

I told them that I am nor would I ever be establishing an ultimatum or demands of them, and that either way I need to step back. I guess during my apology and explanation I was kind of just going on a tangent because my grandfather interrupted me to calm down.

He told me that after I left, people kind of separated or slowly started leaving, and they eventually were able to talk to my father one on one. I guess seeing me have such a freak out resulted in my grandmother having a mini freak out when she started talking to my father, resulting in her kicking him out.

While I have a great relationship with both, my grandmother has always been extra protective of me so seeing me that way must have set off a fire in her. My grandfather then said that it has become a bit of an open family secret my father's failing.

His brothers taunt him about it and generally don't have a great relationship with him, and for my grandparents it's always just uneasy. But seeing me the other day and how it still affects me so much has really liked in for a lot of people that it was really bad. They began to try and say sorry if they didn't do enough, which I very adamantly retorted that they did more than what anyone could have expected.

It was very emotional for a minute, but culminated in then telling me that they have decided to distance themselves from my father for the time being, and have given him the ultimatum that unless he has a deep introspective and regularly goes to therapy, that distance may become permanent.

My extended family I've been told, are going to try and reach out or call or whatever, but I asked them if they could relay to them that it's not necessary, and that I'm fine and am sorry to them as well for ruining the day, which again, they told me I shouldn't apologize for being hurt.

Since then extended family have sent some messages with the general consensus that it's OK with some older members complaining about my lack of respect towards my father.

And finally, I texted my father hoping to meet at a local coffee shop and have a final talk. I met him and he didn't look good. I think his parents tearing into him finally got the message through. I had so may things I could have said, but I instead asked him first thing if the coworker he gave the advice to took it well. He just said that neither him nor several coworkers interact with him anymore.

I asked him if he truly 100% believes that every single thing he did for me as a child was for MY benefit. He didn't really say anything. I then finally asked if he has any regrets for how I was treated as a child, and if he thinks he ever did anything wrong. He looked utterly defeated and just mumbled that he could have done more.

I could have poked and prodded and could have gone on another rant, but instead I told him this should be goodbye and I hope he gets the help he needs I think finally unloading my frustrations was what I needed to finally be able to move on and find peace. I absolutely need to keep on track for therapy and admit that a public bitching moment isn't OK, but I should be fine.

The internet was glad to hear an update.

atmasabr wrote:

This is an interesting one.

The ability to control one's failures (yes that's what I'll call your situation) is very powerful. You'll do all right.

I_wanna_be_anemone wrote:

Congratulations sincerely on owning your actions. No matter how justified, you acknowledged your outburst was uncomfortable for others and likely not appropriate in that setting. It takes incredible strength of character to admit your failings even if you have no idea how else you could have reacted in that moment.

That you immediately communicated that to your loved ones is a huge sign of how respectable and genuine you are as a person, I really hope you keep moving forward from this situation with the same mindset. Good luck.

jessicaa_fit wrote:

NTA. It sounds like you handled things well after what happened. You took responsibility by apologizing to your girlfriend and family, and it's clear you’re committed to moving forward by focusing on therapy and healing.

It’s understandable that you snapped given everything you’ve been through. It’s also clear that your outburst made your family realize the impact your dad’s behavior had on you. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’ve done what you needed to do to move on, and it seems like you’re on the right track now.

Three weeks later, OP shared another update.

Things have progressed over the last couple weeks and I now have broader context about my family Long sorry short is, there was a lot hidden from me, my father was an absolute AH to his family, and that's why the treat him the way they do. I got a lot of feedback, and one thing that stood out was people questioning if my extended family could have contributed to the ab-se and that's why he was so feeble.

And since I was trying to work on my relationship with my family, I figured it was time to ask the hard questions before going that far.

I met with my dad's brothers who invites me out to a popular lunch spot. For context and clarity:

-Dale is the oldest brother. He is married and has a daughter and a son.

-My father is the second oldest. Self explanatory.

-John is the second youngest, also married with a son.

-Bill is the youngest, married with 3 daughters

So anyways, we met up and I ripped the bandaid off asking about my father growing up, what he was like beyond the basics I know, and what really is going on with their relationship.

Dale sighed and basically summed up that besides what I know, there is alot of backstory I'm unfamiliar with that they never told me about simply because it was never the time nor the place to.

What I've always known is that my father was fairly normal when he was young, a little shy but fantastic academically, played sports occasionally, had a close knit relationship with his brothers, and meeting my mom in high school junior year made everything go downhill.

What I didn't know was that my father was a guiding figure for his 2 younger brothers, was generally seen as one of the nicest people, with a bright future ahead of him. My grandparents adored him and he even became a little bit of a golden child but no one minded. The reason his family doesn't respect him is what happened to his behavior when my mother got attached to him

- It first started simple, my mother acted rude and distant to the family. They weren't huge fans but my father loved her so they tolerated it

- She became possessive and slowly isolated my father and convinced him to give up his ambitions and goals. family became concerned and spent a long time trying to talk to him and convince him to leave. My father didn't budge and began to lash out.

- When I was born my extended family tried to talk to my father about my mother's attitude. My father was angry and threatened to report them for harassment. He was in denial about her behavior.

- When Dale's wife was having fertility issues, my mother messaged her appalling and cruel things. When Dale was pissed and went to talk to my father, he told Dale to drop it and even justified it. Dale punched him and police almost got involved. Dale hated him going forwards.

-John grew to hate him when my mother insulted his son due to mild physical disabilities. My father cracked a joke about what she said. John hated him then.

-Finally Bill, who always idolized my father, tried to inform my father that my mother made a pass at him and urged divorce. My father responded with a maddening call of utter hate and relationship ending words.

To sum it all up, the more time my father spent with my mother, the more he began to repeat her attitude. When they all signs of ab-se to me and tried to intervene, my father threatened to lie, to accuse them of worse things. My mother had money and lawyers and could make their lives hell if they tried and my father would gladly let her. They were stuck and could only do so much at a time.

The older members of the family like the grandparents, great and and uncles and such, believe in the traditional mindset of family sticking together no matter what, while the generations further down want to keep a distance from him. They're all stuck between and rock and a hard place

There's more they told me out it was all essentially that my father died on the hill for my mom, ruining his relationship with his brothers in the process. And when she died and destroyed him, he probably had to realize it was all for nothing. My grandparents seem to not want to accept the fact that he was lost, or maybe they hope he can fix his life.

Who knows. This was a lot to process and was only confirmed by my father himself when he called my to ask about family therapy with us. I cur to the chase and asked if what I heard was true. He said yes. I would have agreed to maybe some family therapy but now I have no idea.

The commenters were invested in the update.

Blogatog wrote:

I just don't know what there is to salvage. He still doesn't want to admit what he did or what he was. He wants to repair the relationship because to him your approval is the only thing that can fix this. He's truly pathetic. Cut him out.

netto11111 wrote:

I believe that depends on what kind of person you are. Do you believe going into therapy would change anything or would help you? If so, go. You can always decide to cut him off and not go to therapy with him later on. If you believe that there is no chance he will ever change or realise what he has done, don’t go. Either way I am really sorry for you and wish you the best!

Warm_Scar_6981 wrote:

Your dad asked for therapy. Is it for the both of you, or just for him so that a therapist would make you apologize to him, the true victim. So that a therapist would assure him that he did the right thing. Why didn't he get therapy earlier? Your dad isolated himself trying to emulate your mom to his family (even telling them that he would lie if they tried to intervene in your ab-se? He belongs to the pits of hell for that).

I_Wanna_be_anemone wrote:

This man compromised his integrity, his values, his family and even enabled the ab-se of his child. He made his entire personality enabling a monster, once she left him he was left adrift like a Disney villains sidekick once their ‘master’ died, craving that sense of power from riding the coattails of another. Focus on your own therapy and future.

A few weeks later, OP shared another update.

I came to the decision that it was time to cut off my father for good. The more I learned about how he was the more I came to the realization that nothing good would come out of having him in my life. I'm also going to put some minor distance between myself and extended family on his side until I can process things more. There's just alot of things to work through there.

I met up with my father one last time in a coffee shop to talk things over. I asked him one last time, why? Why did he do all this? Why did he let his wife treat everyone like shit? Why did HE treat his family and me like shit for her? Why did he do all this? He tried to weasel his way out but I absolutely demanded to know.

And he basically answered that it was because he loved her. Yep, it was that stupid of an answer. He loved her and just clung onto her no matter what she did. No matter how much she hurt him or others he was an insecure man who just latched himself on the first woman who showed him attention. Even when she slowly destroyed his life he thought it was better than trying again

I just got up and told him to fix his life but I won't be a part of it, and I hope he has the sense to understand why. No matter how he tried to word it, I had two ab-sive parents. He didn't say anything. Just stared at me. Which leads to last night. I got a call from my grandparents that the night before my dad tried to call his brothers and make peace.

Unfortunately from what they said, he did it in the most half-a--ed avoidant way possible sparing himself any guilt. That didn't go well. After recent events and old wounds being dug up, they gave him a verbal lashing that made mine look microscopic in comparison. My dad hung up and lost his s--t. Decimated his entire apartment before packing up what was left before driving off.

They only found out because one of the brothers came to check up on him. From what they can tell from the few texts they have, he's lost his mind after decades of s--t and is driving off to the other side of the country to start fresh Also, from the minimum communication they have with him, he's acting incredibly vile towards them, and they say he seems to be acting just like my mother.

EDIT: Things are progressing/spiraling very quickly and I'm expecting this whole insanity parade to come to a conclusion within a few days at this rate. Won't make any real update until I have all the facts but I'm just glad I made the decision to move on.

The internet was fully invested.

hobbitdude13 wrote:

Holllllly s--t man. I went back through and read all your posts, what a piece of work your "father" is. After everything he's lost, he still would rather run away than take any accountability for his lack of a spine.

Your uncles are good people. NTA.

Tolazytocreate wrote:

It's likely that he will come back after some time and beg for forgiveness. Be aware that if he does come back and begins asking for forgiveness. It might be because he needs money. That's usually the reason why they come back.

seaofluv wrote:

Man. Your father displaying the most cowardice act of packing up and leaving is another example of his character. The rot runs deep with him and he fails to see that wherever he goes - as far as he runs - there he still will be. I am sorry for the wounds your parents inflicted in you and I'm rooting for your ultimate healing.

theexaspera wrote:

NTA. He’s responsible for his 💩behavior, and now he’s gone into the sunset. Or gone with the wind. Or…let the door hit him in the a$$. I hope you’re healing.