'AITA for making my daughter pay for her own college testing after she was caught cheating?' UPDATED
"AITA for making my daughter pay for her own college testing and applications because she was caught cheating?"
I received a call to pick up my daughter ‘Lily’ because she had been caught cheating on her practice SAT. After arriving, I learned Lily’s friend ‘Sam’ had also been caught cheating. Her score was canceled, but, thankfully, Lily will still be allowed to retake the test and this has not gone under any kind of record.
When I talked to Lily about what happened, she told me that Sam’s mother was going to punish Sam if she didn’t earn an exceptionally high score. And Sam had, in turn, put pressure on my daughter to help her cheat.
I have felt for a long time that Sam is not a genuine friend to Lily and has been trying to hold my daughter back to feel better about her own poor choices. And I had spoken to Lily about this before, and to not let Sam manipulate her into anything she knows is wrong. Lily told me that she had understood yet did this.
I told Lily that, to prove she will take her education seriously from now on, she will need to come up with the fee for her future tests and college applications on her own. I suggested she start working odd jobs (such as babysitting or dog walking for the neighbors) to save up early.
Despite telling me she understood, the time to register for the next test is approaching, and my daughter asked me to pay because she is short on cash and her school will not offer the test again until spring. She brought up the original excuse that Sam pressured her into cheating.
I told my daughter no. I am not going back on my word, and she will learn to treat these opportunities with respect once she has to earn it herself. I also told Lily that she needs to stop letting Sam manipulate her, and if she can’t stand up to her then maybe she doesn’t have the mental maturity for college.
Our extended family became involved in the disagreement and are insisting that we cover the fee because it’s for her education and is important for college. I am not allowing them to cover the fee for Lily because it’s undermining my lesson. Inevitably, someone pretending to be her friend is going to pressure her to cheat again in college.
Then when she gets caught again, I will wind up losing thousands of dollars and Lily will lose her shot at a good education. Her college journey won’t last long regardless unless she learns responsibility now. Even though she spent her money poorly and doesn’t have enough now, she will be able to wait and test in spring, even if it’s a less convenient time for her. AITA for putting my foot down with Lily and our family?
After receiving some questions, OP jumped on with an update.
Edited to answer comments: Lily is now a junior in high school. Taking the test in spring will not delay Lily's college applications. If she takes the test in spring, or even decides to retry during the summer, her score will still be available for her to use by the time fall applications roll around.
I have also broken down the math in multiple comments already. Lily had and still has ample time and opportunity to save up. If she spends her money wisely this time, she will have more than enough to cover the fees. Especially as these are the only expenses she will need to cover.
The internet was quick to share their thoughts about the situation.
grayfern wrote:
Ehhhhhh...I think technically NTA…you set the boundary and are enforcing it. BUT I agree with your relatives…I don’t think you can let her sit out on a year of college over this. Did she already have an income “stream”, was she already dog walking, how much time passed - I.e. was this a reasonable expectation for her to come up with the cash in the time frame?
Sam, whatever, that’s her issue. She could have just as easily lied about that to keep herself out of trouble, so don’t think your daughter is above cheating just for the sake of it.
OP responded:
This will not delay her ability to apply to college. Spring is a less convenient time for Lily because of athletics, but if she takes her test in the spring, her score will still be available for her to use during applications in the fall. I told Lily to save up in April and she had all of summer free to save up as well.
She charged our neighbors $10 to walk their dogs, and doing that twice a week allowed her to save up enough money in three weeks. She earned more than enough to cover her test but spent it on things she didn't need (shopping trips, movies, ice skating, etc.) and is now short on cash.
My daughter isn't the type to cheat just for the sake of it, so I do believe her story. But I've had talks with her before about needing to not let others manipulate her. She's now 16 and needs to be able to stand up for herself if she's going to be on her own at a college.
disregardable wrote:
I personally wouldn't choose a punishment that could potentially interfere with my kid achieving their college of choice. That could create life long resentment. It's your kid though.
OP responded:
If Lily works hard and is responsible with her spending for the next few months, this will not influence the colleges that she can get into.
more-yogurtcloset531 wrote:
NTA. Sounds like your daughter still hasn't learned anything from the cheating episode. She doesn't really take responsibility for her own cheating (it was Sam's fault), and she didn't take any responsibility to make money to take her test. This is all on her.
Stick to your reasonable consequences. Let her sit out half a year and hopefully she'll see there are actual real-world consequences to your life when you screw up and don't take measures to fix it.
MutantHoundLove wrote:
So to punish your daughter for folding to peer pressure, you're making it harder for her to get into college as if that's going to help her pull out her shiny spine next time?
And was this all before or after you had her in therapy to better learn how to cope with peer-pressure and boost her self esteem so she isn't afraid of disappointing people? (Assuming you really believe Lilly was being manipulated, and not just a happy participant manipulating you after getting caught.)
YTA because punishing a kid who lacks maturity (your words) and self confidence doesn't help them overcome it, it just makes them more anxious about you catching them being "weak" again.
And instead of basically telling your child she sucks because she wasn't strong enough to say no to someone taking advantage of her, you could have turned it into a meaningful lesson that could have actually helped her too, such as having her volunteer as a tutor or at a school, or maybe teach a class.
And I hope you're OK if she eventually decides to just forego college altogether, becaise if I was your kid and you forced me to pay for my own testing as a punishment, I would have just said, cool, I don't need to go then.