'AITA for making my sister pay me back for randomly throwing out my daughter's bra?' UPDATED

"AITA for making my sister pay me back for throwing out my daughter's bra?"

Right now, we're hosting my sister and her family because their home was damaged by Hurricane Helene. There are some rules in place: be respectful of our living space, her sons are not allowed in my daughter Thea's room, and as soon as the repairs are done, they are out of here.

Her sons broke one of the rules when they went in Thea's room and went through her things. They found one of Thea's special compression bras. Thea has been doing theater ever since she was little. The compression bra looks like a tank top and she uses it if she is playing a boy or a young girl and has to flatten her chest to better look the part.

Their mom found it and threw it away.

We didn't realize this until Thea was packing her theater bag for play practice and realized it was missing. This is not great because she's starring as Viola in her school's production of "Twelfth Night."

Thea buys most of her theater stuff like makeup and costumes and the bra was pretty expensive, $50. I told my sister she needed to pay us back so we can replace it. My sister refuses because she says she isn't doing well financially and how dare I demand a homeless woman pay for her boys being boys. Not to mention, she doesn't think it's appropriate for her to have something like that.

Our mom, who has always been soft on Judy, thinks we're being too harsh since she's a single mom who doesn't have a home right now. I just want my daughter's stuff replaced, is that too much to ask? AITA?

Soon after posting, OP shared a small update.

Edit: To answer some frequently asked questions:

-Why won't my mom take them in? She lives in a retirement community that doesn't allow anyone under the age of 65. I'm not sure if temporary stays are ok, but if she let them live with her then she runs the risk of getting evicted.

-I don't know how much damage was done to the bra itself. Thea's room was pretty trashed. We're talking clothes left on the floor, spilled perfume, and messing with a display shelf full of some of her old Disney dolls.

-All I know is that Judy saw the boys messing with the bra, thought it was another kind of breast binder, and threw it away.

-We got locks installed for Thea's room, along with our son and my husband's "man cave" after we found out the boys messed with his stuff.

-Why did I let them in? I've hosted other family and friends during previous hurricanes and never ran into this problem, maybe someone's kids got into Thea's costumes but no harm no foul. I've always been raised to help others, especially family, in their time of need, but this has me wanting to set up boundaries now.

-Judy and her kids are going to have to find a new place to stay. I'm just waiting for my hubby to come home from work. We may need one of his friends for backup just in case.

Edit 2: -I can't believe I forgot this. The boys are 8 and 6.

Per usual, internet strangers were generous with their opinions.

TarzanKitty wrote:

NTA.

Cool, your mom has just offered to host your sister and her children! Off they go to granny's.

OP responded:

If only that was the case. Unfortunately for us, she lives in a retirement community and doesn't let anyone under, like 65, living there.

Timely_Egg_5827 wrote:

NTA - there are three things here.

Your nephews went through your daughter's room and possessions. How old are they and why were they in the underwear drawer? They then stole a bra. That is less boys be boys and boys be perverts. Your daughter needs to be safe at home.

Your sister found the bra and rather than maybe washing it and putting it back, she made a parenting decision about a child not her own and decided to throw it out because she disapproved.

She basically stole from your daughter and took no personal responsibility for that because it was the "right" thing to do. Does she think your daughter is trans? Or had her boys soiled it beyond repair?

Your sister and nephews are trampling over every boundary you set. They invade your daughter's room, take her stuff, complain about your parenting and then pull a sob story. If you are in a bad place and dependent on someone else's charity, then don't ab-se their hospitality.

You won't get the bra or money back so please make your daughter's loss good as it was your choice not her's to offer hospitability. But then have a strict talk with your sister about her not parenting your child, maybe parenting her own before they get her kicked up and she is properly homeless. And get your daughter a lock for her door.

pl487 wrote:

NTA.

But I would bet money that you're being lied to, and your sister found it and threw it away because she thought it was a transgender thing. She doesn't want to buy a new one because she finds it morally offensive.

loading_error_9000 wrote:

NTA. They can follow your rules and replace your daughter’s possessions or they can get out. Make it a point too that they all need to apologize to your daughter immediately. Otherwise here is the address for a local shelter. If your mother feels this is unfair, they can go stay with her. Remind them that if they ever need a place to stay again, they need to find other accommodations.

Thatguyfromthisplace wrote:

NTA. You are not asking her to pay for her boys being boys. She found the bra and she threw it out. It's very clearly her fault. And of course she has to pay you back if she throws out your stuff!