Groom refuses to accommodate disabled stepsister; 'Is it selfish to want one day about me, not her?' AITA?
"AITA for choosing to get married where I live and not where my mom lives to be accessible for her and her husband to bring my stepsister?"
Maybe I (29m) will come across as an AH and I'm here to face if I am or not. Let me begin with some background. My dad died when I was 6 and it was just me and my mom for a few years before she met Dan.
Dan was okay and they got married a little over a year after they met. I was 11. A few months after my mom and Dan got married, Dan's ex said she wanted to move with their daughter to another state.
Instead of saying no and fighting it Dan and my mom decided we would move to follow them and that had us moving 8 times in 5 years just so he could follow his daughter around. He never fought it in court and they uprooted me every time too.
I was resentful as hell. I was away from the rest of my family and chasing after a stepsister I didn't really care if I never saw again. I know my mom cared and Dan cared and they were married. But I felt so unsettled when we never knew how long we'd stay and Dan even admitted his ex didn't want us nearby so she'd keep moving when she could.
But then my stepsister and her mom were in an accident. Her mom was mostly fine but my stepsister was left with life altering injuries and became disabled to the point that she needs around the clock care. Dan and my mom put down roots in the last location and ended up with custody of my stepsister.
They have devoted their time to caring for her. While I moved when I turned 18. This was a source of tension between me and Dan because he had expected me to be there for his daughter and to one day take over her care.
But I told him that would never be me. It made my mom sad to be away from me and she and I argued over my choice to leave and to hold a grudge against their decision to move so much. She argued about wanting to keep the family together while I pointed out she tore me away from mine and removed my stability.
I started dating my fiancée a decade ago and we got engaged last year. Our wedding is this year and we sent out some save the dates with some details on it for everyone. My mom called and acted surprised that I was getting married in town where I live instead of where she and Dan are living.
She told me my stepsister could not do that kind of commute and how did I expect them to be there. I told her if they could not make it I would understand but my life was here and this is where I would get married.
Dan called to tell me how selfish I am and how messed up it is to choose to marry somewhere my stepsister can't access. He said it would have been no big deal for me to go there for one day to get married. I hung up the phone on him because I didn't want to listen to BS like that.
My mom has brought the topic up some more and I told her I was not traveling just for them to be able to go. She got upset and asked me if I really felt okay with my only sibling not being there.
I told her she didn't want to hear my honest response to that but yes I'm okay with Dan's daughter not being there. I said I can live without her there if she's just going to come and tell me how I should've gotten married where she lives.
She said it feels like my choice is a punishment for their decision to follow Dan's ex and daughter when we were younger and how she doesn't think that's entirely fair and especially not to my stepsister. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Oh honey. I am so sorry. Your mom has continually chosen Dan and Dan’s daughter over you. And here she is, once again prioritizing them. That sucks. I hope your mom makes it. But even if she doesn’t, I hope you have a wonderful wedding, and I wish you all the best in life.
Safe_Tonight7920 (OP)
Thank you. I'll be able to enjoy my wedding even if she's not there. If she's going to pout over my decision I'd enjoy the day more without her. So would everyone else I think.
NTA, just because your mum chose her step daughter over you doesn't mean you also need to prioritise her over your own well being, your mum and Dan are huge AHs who seemingly only see you as a potential carer for Dan's daughter.
Safe_Tonight7920 (OP)
I don't think mom sees me as just a potential carer but as the only person who could potentially give her grandkids. Also the person she gets judged based on.
She knows her family didn't approve of her choice to follow where Dan went while I was young and the fact I don't live close to her and wouldn't do this willingly in her head looks bad to others. I know it's also in part because I'm her son and she loves me. But not enough to put me first when I was a kid.
NTA. You can tell that your mom knew she was wrong for uprooting you so much as a child. Her response is an admission of her neglect.
Safe_Tonight7920 (OP)
She doesn't consider it wrong because it kept "our" family together. After all this time she knows I don't see it the same way but she keeps expecting me to grow out of that.
NTA. This is your life, your city, your wedding. They put you second many times — now you're putting yourself first. That’s fair.