'AITA for refusing to talk to my mom after she gave my wedding fund to my step-sister?'

"AITA for refusing to talk to my mom after she gave my stepsister my wedding fund?"

My stepsister was going to get married this summer but she had to postpone. Unfortunately, she ended up losing a lot of her deposits and now her budget is less than half of what it used to be. She also has to buy a new dress/bridesmaids’ outfits because she’s now decided to have a winter wedding instead.

I am also engaged but we’re still in the early stages of planning and recently decided to try to figure out what our potential budget would look like. My mom and stepdad have saved wedding funds for each of us which are $10k each. This is money we’ve always known we’d receive for our weddings and my siblings have already ALL received theirs.

I was facetiming my mom and she asked me about the wedding planning, and I mentioned that my fiancé and I had opened a separate bank account for our wedding funds. I asked her if she could directly transfer the wedding fund into it when she was free, and she started acting weird and avoided the question and changed the subject.

I got upset and asked her again and she told me that they couldn’t help with the wedding. I asked her what she meant, and she admitted my stepdad had given the money to my stepsister. I asked her why he would do that, and she mentioned how my stepsister had lost so much of her original budget due to the pandemic and she would have to dramatically downsize her wedding.

She came to them and begged to have my wedding fund and my stepdad agreed, as my stepsister and her fiancé both work low paying jobs and wouldn’t be able to save the money up themselves in time. My stepdad’s justification is that my fiancé comes from a “filthy rich” (his words) family and that his family could make up the difference for what they would no longer be contributing.

Apparently, he made a nasty joke about how fiancé’s dad was going to throw money at our wedding anyways and that maybe they should ask him to pay for stepsister’s too.

I was upset and so I ended the call. My mom has been calling me nonstop since and has even asked my other sister to call me and tell me to answer her calls. When I told my sister what happened she was angry but not surprised because my stepdad has done similar things in the past (e.g. given part of my college fund to this same stepsister because she wasted her monthly allowance partying).

My mom and stepdad have also sent me texts telling I have no right to be upset over what they chose to do with their money. My stepdad even said that since I’m so petty he’s glad he never gave me a cent for my wedding.

The more I calm down, I’m starting to wonder if I am being a childish asshole. It’s not like I’ve booked anything yet and now will have to change plans. My dad also contributed to my sister’s wedding and I’m sure he’ll offer to do the same for me. But then the other part of me wonders if had it been my stepbrother’s wedding fund would my stepdad be so quick to give it to my stepsister. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Sandmint said:

NTA. It sucks that your sister's wedding didn't work out as planned, but it's not fair to punish you to make it "even". You were promised 10k towards your wedding and the gift is being stolen from you in the same way your college fund was stolen.

She doesn't have to buy new dresses. She could wait until next summer or ask her wedding party to find a mutual color in their closets. She's wasting money that she shouldn't have in the first place.

oliviamrow said:

NTA. You've learned, quite starkly, that your mother is more interested in keeping her husband happy than in protecting your interests. That's a jarring thing to learn, even if you're in a situation that it will not drastically damage your financial future.

Being upset sounds entirely reasonable to me, and wanting your mother, at least, to acknowledge the hurt that you feel is also understandable. If you think you can have a productive conversation with her about it-- if you think she can respond in a validating, non-defensive way to something like "Mom, if you had talked to me about this in advance, I would have at least known you cared what I thought.

But you didn't; you valued my stepsister and stepfather's feelings over mine, and that really hurts" --maybe reach out and have that conversation with her. If you think your mother is just going to defend her actions and the stepfather's and deny that you should have any feelings on the matter whatsoever, do not engage with her.

And do not engage with your stepfather on this or any other matter for as long as he is exerting pressure like this over how your mother spends her money. BIG red flag to my mind.

StarsAndSnowtracks said:

I'm gonna say NTA. You were basically promised this money, all your other siblings were given this money, so your parents taking this money back - while within there rights - without even talking to you first, was definitely a dick move

AmIBeingPunkd- said:

NTA. This sucks on so many levels. I hate that your stepdad gaslighted you and almost immediately blamed you for his shitty behavior to defend his actions. Would you consider not inviting them (or at least your stepdad and stepsister) to your wedding that they clearly have little value for?

I almost feel sorry for your mom who seems to be stuck between a rock and a hard place, but you’ve pointed out that your step family has a long history of pulling this kind of shit and it’s very AH-y that she hasn’t stood up for you guys and let this happen to her own kids. I hope you’ll post an update after you’ve had an amazing wedding. Congratulations on your engagement.

Hunterofshadows said:

NTA. Your stepdad is technically correct, you aren’t legally entitled to that money. You were however, morally entitled to that money and stepdad can f@ç& off along with the horse he rode in on.

cantgetright10 said:

NTA...cut her out of your life like the cancer she and her husband are... NC and walk away, that’s some callous behavior on step dads part. Hopefully karma catches up to him in a drastic and life altering manner...

kindlefan12 said:

NTA. What happened here is reprehensible. It's not as though you went begging with your hand out, you been promised throughout your life time that this money would be available for your wedding. All of your other siblings and step siblings have received the same. Your stepfather is absolutely out of his mind to somehow consider you entitled.

Quite frankly I would reach out directly to your mother one last time to explain to her in a painful, stark terms how this decision means that not only will she not be invited to your wedding but that she will not be a part of your life moving forward nor part of the lives of any children you may have in the future.

This is absolutely grounds for cutting her out of your life for good. She is made this decision to stand by her horrible husband at your expense. She's going to have to own that period.

[deleted] said:

NTA. They were open about giving the same amount to each kid and did so, to all but you. You are penalized because you are not replanning your wedding. Why on earth does she have to buy a new dress and bridemaid's dresses just because the season changed? Add a jacket or wrap, and ready for cooler temps. Really a horrible waste of money. Can you say entitled? I mean your stepsister.

She should not have lost her deposits, they should transfer to a new date as long as she postponed the wedding. If she told all her vendors it was cancelled that is different and she would lose the deposits. I am going thru this myself, DD was to get married in July, postponed to October, we had to postpone again to next summer. Fiance is in service and cannot get leave to come home, plus out of the country (so

who knows about travel), so no groom, no wedding can happen. Not one vendor has given us any issue. So they just picked a new date, and all deposits go to new date/time, have not lost one dime. I find it hard to believe she lost all that money, I'd be skeptical on that. Your stepdad is an ass, and obviously would favor his daughter over you any day, but it was an agreed upon plan and that is just not cool.

athshe2 said:

NTA but your stepsister is for asking, your stepfather is for giving it, and your mother is for allowing it. On the bright side, since they aren't contributing to your wedding, they aren't allowed any input for the plans. Definitely don't invite your stepfather or stepsister to the wedding. Personally, I wouldn't allow the mom either.

unin5pired said:

NTA. It sounds like your stepdad is feeling resentful, and maybe jealous, of your future in-laws. For what? Supporting and having pride in their kid? Petty parenting is bad parenting, and you shouldn't feel guilty for being the target of bad parenting.

Also, congratulations! It sounds like you're joining a wonderful new family, and I hope you and your fiance are able to celebrate that in a way that feels special and fun!

AuntyErrma said:

NTA. I'd only invite mom to the wedding, given your step dad's comments. And if she doesn't come, I'll tell her it wasn't about the money, but she made it so. Step dad lost his invite for being a rude asshole about the whole thing, not for the refusing of funds.

Commenters overwhelmingly agree: NTA. Do you agree?