'AITA if I move out of our apartment knowing my fiance and his mom can't afford it without me?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA if I move out of our apartment knowing my fiance and his mom can't afford it without me?"

Me (F29) and my (ex?)-fiance(M27) have been living together for about 1.5 years. Fiance got his undergraduate degree, worked for a couple years and then decided to get an MBA which is how he ended up in our city. We moved in together after he finished his MBA program.

Fiance is from the mid-west and his mom has always wanted him to move back. When he told her he was staying here she was heartbroken.

I went to college and got my degree in a STEM field. After I graduated, I got a job with my current company and moved to the city where we currently live. It's a big international company with multiple locations in the US and international. I love my job, I like the company I work for, and the pay is pretty good. All in all, a pretty good deal.

During c-vid my office shut down and we all went WFH. After c-vid they decided not to reopen this office so I've been 100% WFH since early 2020. I currently make considerably more than him - mainly because I've been working for 7 years and I'm in tech. I had been living by myself in a one bedroom apartment and just had my office set up in the living room since it was just me.

When we moved in together, we decided to get a two bedroom apartment so I could use the extra room as an office. Because of this I was paying 2/3 of the rent and he paid 1/3. We split everything else 50/50. So the problem started this past May. Fiance's mom told him she wanted to move to our city to be closer to him. She asked if she could stay with us while she looked for a job and got settled.

She's a teacher so figured she'd be able to get a teaching job pretty quickly. Because of that I didn't really mind her staying with us as I figured it would just be for a couple months over the summer. Since I thought it would only be for a couple months, I moved my office into a corner of our bedroom and fiance bought a bed to put in the 2nd bedroom.

The problem is she never applied for any teaching positions and has been living with us for 6 months now. She and I have really been struggling with each other since she moved in. I can't make her understand that I work full time. She constantly interrupts while I'm working, which is bad enough but she even interrupts when I'm on Teams calls.

She always asks me to take her places bc she doesn't like to drive in our city.

She has pretty outdated views of gender roles and is constantly giving me a hard time for not doing more around the house and making fiance help with chores, do his own laundry, etc.

The constant criticism and insults are just really wearing me down. And I HATE having my office shoved in a corner of the bedroom. Back in September I told my Fiance that since it looks like his mom is going to stay awhile we should split the rent 3 ways.

He told me she can't afford that since she has to conserve money until she gets a job. I told him I wasn't happy paying extra for a bedroom I can't use so finally he said we could do a 50/50 split. I could afford to pay the extra, but I hate the idea of funding her lifestyle. Every time I complain about her or the situation he says he agrees but doesn't know what to do because he can't kick out his mom.

And he won't talk to her about the way she treats me or how she behaves. When I ask what the long-term plan is, he just says he doesn't know. I've thought about giving him an ultimatum to tell her she has to leave, but I think he'd just end up resenting me for essentially putting him mom on the street.

So one of my girlfriends is losing her roommate the end of February. Our lease renews June 1st. I'm very strongly considering moving out of our current apartment and moving in with her. I can afford to pay my part of rent on our current apartment and also half the rent at my friends apartment. It's not ideal but I'm not a big spender so it's doable.

The issue is: If he and his mom aren't able to pay for 1/3 the rent each, there is now way they could cover the whole thing on their own. But I can't live like this anymore, so I'm pretty sure this is what I'll do but I wanted to see if people thought I'd be the AH for leaving them like this.

The commenters did not hold back one bit.

Sugar_Mama76 wrote:

Good news, you discovered your fiancé is a Mamas Boy before you got legally entangled. The price is three months of paying double rent. Sucks but MUCH cheaper than a divorce, alimony, child support and years of therapy cause of dealing with that kind of MIL. Mommy wanted to prove her darling boy would pick her and take care of her.

So she moved in and proved it. He won’t stand up to her. Sadly, unless he gets some serious therapy and figures out how to unmesh, he’s never going to. So tell him flat out, Mommy wins. She gets her widdle boy back. You will find a grown man.

You’ll pay your portion of the rent for the next few months, but you’re letting the landlord know you will not be renewing and do not use your income for renewal for him and mommy. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

You did what you could but unless he wants to grow up, you’re going to spend decades hearing how you don’t cook right, clean right, raise your kids, spend money, vacation wrong, and have bad values. She, of course, knows better. Don’t do that to yourself. And maybe, just maybe, this will make him realize he’s got to get off Mommy’s t-tty if he ever wants a life of his own.

JohnRedcornmassage wrote:

NTA. His mom is the biggest A because she specifically planned this. It isn’t that she’s had bad luck: she didn’t even apply!

Add in that she didn’t respect your work place and insults you. She’s basically trying to be the matriarch of the house, while being a complete mooch.

The biggest problem is your fiancé though. This is just a glimpse of your future with a momma’s boy. He’s made it clear that he’s ok with her walking all over you, and she’s not leaving.

You’re going to end up as a third wheel in your own marriage. 🚩🚩🚩

Remotell5236 wrote:

I’m a teacher. An old, retired teacher. I could substitute teach everyday this week if I wanted to do so. I still get requests to appt/interview for both public school And private school jobs. MIL could Work if she wanted to work. I’m in my late 60s and drive all over and in Mexico and Europe on vacation. She is needlessly helpless.

TarzanKitty wrote:

NTA. However, if they can’t pay the rent. It is your credit that will be f--ked. Maybe your EX and mommy can share a bedroom and they could get a roommate for the second bedroom. While you are waiting. Stop doing anything for mommy. You are not her employee. If she doesn’t like driving in your city. She can get a bus pass. Also, keep your bedroom door locked while you are working.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

I started off trying to reply to everyone's comments and keep up but honestly I just got completely overwhelmed with all the comments.

First off, I want to thank everyone for their feedback and comments, even the ones that were that were kind of harsh. Actually, probably especially the ones that were kind of harsh. I really needed some tough love to make me realize that I was letting my stb-ex and his mom take advantage of me. The more comments I red, the more pissed off I got.

Honestly, I think I'm more pissed at myself for allowing this to happened and not advocating for myself more. This past weekend I got my stb-ex alone so we could talk (which was actually harder than it should have been b/c his mom always tries to tag along when we do anything). Going through all the comments everyone left and the PMs people sent really helped me decide how to approach this.

And also, brought up a lot of good questions I should have thought of myself. Back to the discussion with the ex - I wanted to give him one more chance to pick us over his mom, not because I thought he would but I just wanted to be able to tell myself I give him the opportunity.

I explained again about how unhappy I am with the situation, how it's affecting my work because of her constant interruptions and just being unhappy and uncomfortable that I'm forced to work out of a corner in our bedroom.

And I reminded him that until a few months ago I was paying the majority of the rent and being that I make so much more than him, it's really my salary that keeps us all afloat.

And I also brought up, again, the way she treats me and talks to me. And he replied the same way he has been: he agrees its not right how she acts and that it's really uncomfortable for for us all (wtf. I don't care if she's uncomfortable).

Previously I would have dropped it there. But this time I told him how angry and disappointed I was that he let me pay for 2/3 of the rent when she first moved and how unfair it was that I'm still paying for half when there are three people living there and she is the only one with her own bedroom.

It was the same story, she has to conserve money since she doesn't have any income currently. Which brought up the question of where all her stuff went when she moved, what money does she use for incidentals. So evidently, when she got divorced (she asked for the divorce after my EX went off to college.

It doesn't sound like her husband/ex's dad wanted the divorce), his dad bought her out of the equity in their house. Ex didn't have any idea how much that was or how much is left. But until she moved here she was working full time as a teacher and living in a small apartment so she should not have had to tap into the divorce settlement money very much.

Other than that, Ex didn't have much insight to her finances other than what she told him (that she has to conserve money). I told him straight up that I'm moving out before the end of the month. And from now on I'm only paying 25% (as some of the commenters pointed out, she has a whole bedroom while I have to share with a man-child.

So she should have to pay twice as much), and after I move out I'm not paying for anything else - no utilities, no food, nothing other than rent. I have a pretty idea what his finances are like, and if he has to pay 75% of the rent all by himself it's going to take a huge chunk of his net income.

And after he pays utilities and buys groceries there won't be anything left for incidentals. Rent was due on the 1st but it's not late until after the 5th, so he has two days to come up with the $$$. If he doesn't come up with it and I end up covering, then I'll reduce the amount I pay in future months.

The only reason I'm going to keep paying any of the rent is even after I move out, I'm still on the hook. I talked to the leasing office and they explained that since Ex and I signed a single rental agreement together (e.g. one contract we both signed as opposed to two contracts we sign individually) we are both responsible for the rent. They don't care who actually pays as long as it gets paid.

The only alternative would be if he agrees to sign a new lease by himself (or together with his mom). But in all likelihood he wouldn't be able to pass the credit check on his own, so I'm kind of stuck. I don't think he'll do anything stupid tough because he's going to need to find someplace to live after this and a collection on his credit report wouldn't be good.

I also told him that I'm going to find someplace to work during the day until I move so she can't bother me. My friend I'm moving in with said I could work there during the day since she and her current roommate have in person 9-5s. I took her up on that for now.

After living with his mom, I'm not about to overstay my welcome so I'm going to find some other options that I can rotate through - someone suggested checking out the public library, or if it comes to it I'll get a membership at one of those WeWork kind of places. Just in case, I brought my important papers/files/valuables and my friend is storing them for me until I move in.

He really didn't take it well. the surprising thing to me is that he was surprised by everything. He seemed really shocked that I wasn't priorizing his mom. I really got the feeling that he sincerely believed I wanted to take care of her as much as him and he kept saying stuff like, what about my mom, what am I going to tell her, that's how she is but we (?!!??!) still need to help her, etc.

He asked about our relationship and the engagement. I told him after I move out I need some space from him. In a few months when we've both had some time/space to process what happened, if we BOTH agree we can talk about the relationship.

But he'd have to prove that he's going to have my back going forward and will set boundaries with his mom. I told him that just to avoid more drama, but I don't see a future in which we are together. I told him he needs to tell his mom because she's not my responsibility or problem and she'll know somethings up when I start moving my stuff out.

He hasn't told her whats going on yet, but this weekend I'm going to start moving things so he doesn't have much time. My friends current roommate starts a new job in another state on the 3rd, so in reality I can probably move in 2-3 weeks, just depending when she actually leaves.

I don't expect him do do anything bad (other than sulk and complain), but if he does something stupid, or doesn't pay his part of the rent, the ace up my sleeve is I'll tell the leasing office his mom moved in which is prohibited in the lease. Honestly, getting evicted would solve a lot of my problems right now so it's a pretty valid threat I think.

Now that I've mentally and emotionally separated my self from him and his mom, I'm looking forward to her reaction when he tells her whats going on. If it gets too ugly, I'll find a cheap ab&b or hotel or something.

I've had some friends, including the one I'm moving in with, offer to let me couch surf for a few weeks but I just can't do that to someone else. So, that's it. I'm leaving and I really don't care how that affects them.

The comments kept coming in.

[deleted] wrote:

Notify your landlord in writing that you are moving out and to take you off the lease after June 1. You wouldn't want to do nothing and accidentally trigger an automatic renewal.

OP responded:

Already did that! I did it before I went to talk to the front office and confirmed that they received it while I was down there.

anoncommenter732 wrote:

Stick with your plan, You’re almost free. Do not ever be pulled back into this toxic situation. Don't forget that the two of them are still lying to you. You pay 1/3rd and he'll figure out the rest. The mother has money to pay her part. Don't be fooled.

OP responded:

Nope, I'm paying 25%! She has a whole bedroom to herself while I have to share so she should have to pay more. I just wish I had had more of a backbone when this whole fiasco started.

Eight days later, OP shared another update.

Hey everyone! I've been getting a lot of requests for update so I wanted to let everyone know how it went when ex's mom found out about me not covering all the rent and moving out.

TL;DR: It was kind of a s--t show. But I'm moved out and I'M OFF THE LEASE! FMIL is on the lease now and she and ex's dad are covering half the rent and STBX is covering the other half.

Last week I started working out of my friend's apartment (the one I'm moving in with) so I didn't see ex's mom on Monday. Tuesday around lunch she sent me text asking where I was. I told her I was working and I'd be home late tonight. She replied that ex told her I wasn't going to be contributing as much so she had to loan him money for rent. That wasn't a surprise to me so I just replied with a 👍 emoji.

I had plans with my friend and her roommate (who I'm also friends with) to go out for dinner and then get some drinks. So by the time I got home is was after midnight and ex's mom was already asleep. The fun started Wednesday morning. I was getting ready to go to work at my friends place when ex's mom stopped me and said we need to discuss my "financial situation."

Then she went on a whole tirade about her having to cover my part of the rent, me making foolish choices by going out to dinner when I couldn't even pay rent, I was irresponsible with money and inconsiderate of the impact it had on others, blah, blah, blah.

She went on to say that if she was going to have to pay my share of the rent that she expected me to do a better job of keeping on top of chores and keeping the apartment clean and organized. I told her I was moving out since obviously STBX hadn't told her yet. She seemed, I don't know, pleased with herself? All she had to say was "maybe that's for the best".

When I got home that night, right off the bat, she wanted to talk. She said instead of me moving out, we could get a bigger apartment and she'd "be willing to help by paying" the difference between a 2br and a 3br. Then we could go back to the arrangement ex and I had before she moved in (me paying 2/3 of the balance and him paying 1/3).

Honestly when she was saying this I think my brain vapor locked. She was making it sound like she was doing us a favor by offering to pay the increase in rent. Apparently this man-child who tells his mom literally EVERY. SINGLE. THING about our lives and relationship hadn't bothered to tell his mom how much I was actually contributing.

It seems like once she discovered ex wasn't paying for everything like she thought, she wasn't as excited about me moving out. I tried to be polite and told her I'd already giving notice to our apartment complex that I was moving out at the end of the month and already committed to move in with my friend.

She kept pushing the issue and said if she was willing to pay the difference, I should just stay "because that would really be best for everyone." By then I was getting annoyed and told her that because of the way she has been acting and treating me I had no interest in living with her anymore.

That's when the best line of this whole dumpster fire came out of her mouth. She said she was worried I was taking advantage of her son and if we had told her about our financial arrangement she would have been more understanding of why I wasn't keeping up with the apartment.

I told her maybe a good lesson from this is to try being nice to everyone in the future and not just the people you think can help you. And I asked her why SHE didn't help out more since she wasn't doing anything productive all day. She did NOT like either of those comments and it got pretty hostile with both of us yelling at each other.

And to be fair, we both said some pretty awful things to one-another. Finally I told her I was going to inform the rental office that she had been living there contrary to the lease agreement because getting evicted would be worth it to see her living on the street. I grabbed my laptop and went to my friends. I didn't even bother packing an overnight bag.

Next afternoon (Thursday) ex texted me and said he had added his mom to the lease effective the first of the month and that she & his dad (I have no idea how that poor man got roped into this) would pay half the rent and ex would pay the other half. I confirmed with the property manager that I was off the lease and didn't have any further obligation. I got it in email so I have a record.

I put disconnect orders in for the utilities under my name and told him to call and set up accounts under his name. I'm going to lose the damage deposit (it goes to whoever is living there when lease ends) but it's a small price to pay to be free. On the way home I stopped and got a bunch of boxes to pack my stuff up.

She was pretty hostile when I got home and when she saw how much I was taking she got worse. I ended up taking Friday off to finish packing and on Saturday got some friends to help move stuff to my new place. I'm going to pay my friends some rent for the next two weeks until the one move out. They didn't want me to but I'm not going to stay in someones home and not contribute.

If nothing else, living with ex and his mom taught me that. Last night ex and I got together and talked for the first time since Saturday. He said his mom is staying until June when the lease is up then she's moving back to their hometown. According to him, she just really didn't like living here and that's why she didn't try to find a job.

Then he asked how long a break I thought we should take. A few commenters gave me a hard time for stringing him along, so I was brutally honest and told him I could not be with someone that allowed others to treat me the way he allowed his mom to treat me and that I hoped he learned to stand on his own and establish some boundaries.

He looked like he was going to cry and just got up and left.As far as I'm concerned, this whole this is over and done. I'm going to call it a learning experience and be glad I found out how awful ex's mom is BEFORE we got married. The thing that amazes me is the amount of damage this woman leaves in her wake and how utterly oblivious she is.

She destroyed our engagement and relationship, is leaving ex in a MUCH worse financial situation, pushed back her ex-husband's retirement by I don't know how many years since now he likely has to pay off a the mortgage (or second mortgage) he had to get to pay her half of the equity.

And she made my life hell for 6+ months. And she's walking away completely unscathed. According to my ex, she's going to back to her hometown and picking up her old teaching job. I'm thinking about going to visit my parents next week and working from their house. I want to tell them how boring and undramatic they are and how I'm so grateful for that and love them for it lol.

The comments kept flowing in.

SlinkyMalinky20 wrote:

I wonder what MIL’s end game was…probably to get her son to move back “home” to their hometown. Now that’s she’s husbandless, she wants her son to step into that role and he wouldn’t do that while married and away. But now he won’t be married and can’t afford to live away. Diabolical.

OP responded:

I've been asking myself the same thing since I heard she is planning to move back home. Honestly, I think you nailed it. Especially when you factor in her divorcing her husband when ex went to college.

He told me about that before his mom moved here and I remember thinking at the time that was kind of weird. I just figured they were one of those couples that "stayed together for the kids", but now it seems so much worse.

Difficult_process_88 wrote:

“Then he asked how long a break I thought we should take.” I lost my shit when I read that! 😂🤣 I hope this whole experience has opened his eyes and at least matured him a small degree.

OP responded:

I have to admit, I thought he'd be able to read the room on his own. But this helped validate my feelings on the whole thing.

Baby_Blue_Eyes13 wrote:

When he hits you up again, because he will, tell him that you hope he had learned to treat his next girlfriend better.

OP responded:

Dude. I'm seriously contemplating stalking his SM so I can warn any future girlfriends. I know it would make me look like the psycho ex gf, but I feel so bad for any girl he might go out with in the future.

Icy_Measurement_7407 wrote:

I know the temptation is there, but don’t. He’s not your responsibility anymore. Not your monkey, not your circus. Let him repeat the cycle with someone else. When that inevitably fails, maybe he’ll notice a common denominator. It may be painful (or enjoyable) to watch, but it’s his lesson to learn. Keep moving forward, OP. And congrats on your shiny spine.

OP responded:

You are right of course. I just think how lucky I am to have had all of the opportunities and resources to get out of this that I did. I had the financial flexibility to be able to cover my share of two apartments if I had to. I had a friend that was looking for a roommate.

I have a job that gives me the flexibility to work from wherever I want and a manager that is considerate enough to give me time off at the last minute when I needed it. It's scary to think how differently this could have all gone.

PandoraTastic wrote:

It sounds like your ex wanted to save his pride and avoid disappointing his mother by concealing how much of the expenses you were paying and he happily threw you under the bus to do so. Even when confronted with what his mother was doing to you as a result of his lies, he kept it up.

His mother was damaging to your relationship but it was mostly him that wrecked it by betraying you like that. I'm just glad you found out the truth about the kind of person he is before you got married.

OP responded:

I do think this is a lot of it. She made a really big deal about him getting an MBA and I think she assumed he was going to be making a huge salary out of the gate. To be fair, he probably will make good money in the future but he needs to put his time in and work for it.

I think he was afraid/embarrassed to tell her what he really made. Plus, he has student loans for his MBA to pay for so he's going to have a few lean years. But we all do so there is nothing wrong with it other than it didn't match her expectations.

Silver6Rules wrote:

It's ridiculous it took her destroying literally EVERYTHING to finally move back to her hometown. She looked pleased with herself because her idiot ass thought she won until you brought the hammer of reality down. She has a lot of f--king nerve lecturing you about how to keep your own damn house when she doesn't do s--t. She didn't like that comment because it was TRUTH.

Your ex's spinelessness led to this blowup, and if he had the balls you thought he had in the first place, he would never have let her destroy his life the way she has. And now he's stuck with her for months. I think that is a damn fitting punishment.

OP responded:

Anytime we asked her to do something like loading/unloading the dishwasher or other minor chore she'd complain that we were asking her to take care of OUR apartment. I really was mind-blowing that she would complain like this but literally wouldn't do anything unless my ex basically begged. And then she'd make a big deal over "all the help" she was giving us. 🙄