'My DIL is leaving me out of her wedding dress shopping. AITA for feeling offended by this?'

"AITAH? I feel that my daughter in law is leaving me out of her wedding dress shopping."

My husband and I are paying for my son and his fiancé’s wedding (the entire cost). I offered to also pay for her wedding dress and she is insisting to my son that she wants to choose her own wedding dress and pay for it herself.

I’ve now found out she’s booked a holiday abroad to look for wedding dresses with her best friend, mum and her aunt (mum’s sister). I only found this out after I asked my son if she’s picked her wedding dress yet.

Am I being unreasonable to feel left out (she didn’t even invite me out of courtesy)? She clearly finds her wedding dress to be a special thing (like any bride), and she’s left me out of the shopping and only included her best friend, her mum, and her aunt. This is despite my husband and I footing her entire wedding and me even offered to pay for her wedding dress? It feels like she’s left me out on purpose.

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the situation.

TerribleBumbleBee800 wrote:

I suspect based on your DIL's actions, that perhaps you're leading the planning on the rest of the wedding, and perhaps in a direction she's not pleased with. You are paying, and that's certainly within your rights, but you may want to evaluate if you're planning the wedding you want, or the wedding your son and DIL want. Because her behavior screams "I just want one thing about my wedding to be something I want."

apietenpol wrote:

Huh. It's funny that my wife picked out her dress without my mom being there and my mom never felt the need to --tch about it.

pimpinaintex wrote:

I didn’t even know MILs were a part of the dress shopping. Sounds like MIL feels entitled because she’s paying for the wedding. YTA OP. You may wanna take a step back from wedding planning and let your DiL initiate when she wants to involve you. She’s gonna resent the hell outta you.

Far-Juggernaut8880 wrote:

It’s wonderful you are paying for the wedding and want to be involved. But she is paying for the dress and traditionally only the Bride’s family participates in picking the dress so the groom and his family are surprised the day of the wedding. You need to respect the emotions attached to picking a wedding dress and not impose your emotions and opinions.

Paying for the Wedding doesn’t give you a right to take over or to control the happy couple! Be very careful as your reaction can seriously damage your relationship longterm with your son and his wife. YTA.

Alarming_Reply6286 wrote:

Are you being included in the wedding planning? Your soon to be DIL is paying for her own wedding dress & she has her own plan of how she wants to achieve her goal. I understand you’re disappointed by her decision to not include you but she is allowed to have her own vision of the path she wants to take to get to her wedding day.

You can either support her on her journey or make it all about you & be a road block. I’m guessing that’s the reason you were not included. YTA.

Bloomerhen wrote:

She has left you out on purpose, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Picking a wedding dress is clearly deeply personal to her and reserved for her closest friends and family. You’re almost an in law, but she didn’t grow up with you. You paying for the wedding doesn’t make you entitled to something she wants to keep special and exclusive with her own family.

It’s like asking if you can be in the birthing suite with her exposed vagina because you paid for the nursery renovation - she politely declined your offer to pay for the dress because she didn’t want to feel obligated to have you there and she’s allowed her own autonomy in making her dress picking entirely her own family.

She’s likely already being very gracious involving you in decisions about the rest of the wedding, probably even accepting your opinion on some of them, because accepting money for a wedding is an absolute minefield - you could twist the control screws any time and say “well I’m paying for it so I want this guest there/this menu option/this musician” and she loses control over her special day.

You should understand that offering money doesn’t mean you should have any say - it’s a gift, not a stakeholder share in the event, and it should be given freely without strings.

You’re already hinting at that level of control by saying “she’s left me out despite me footing her entire wedding” when in fact you offering your SON financial support for his wedding doesn’t mean you get to walk all over the bride’s wishes to have some special family moments.

Primary-Criticism929 wrote:

Are you an AH for have feelings ? No.

But, she may feel that if you pay for the dress, you'd feel like you'd have the right to have an opinion, so she'd rather pay for it herself and have the dress she wants.

And in the end, it's HER wedding and her experience and she holds no obligation to involve you in what is the most intimate choice about a wedding. You're not her sister. You're not her mother. You're going to be her mother-in-law and you two are probably not that close. So, yes YTA for making this about you.