'AITA? My kid wants me to drive 3 hours a day taking them to and from work. I said no.' UPDATED 2X

"AITAH? My kid wants me to drive 3 hours a day taking them to/from work. I said no."

My 20-year-old child was offered a job 45 minutes from our house. They have no driver's license yet, and a car that was given to them, but they do not drive due to having no license.

They were just offered a job at a location 45 minutes from our house. Taking them to/from work every day would take me 3 hours. I work from home, and I have responsibilities. Also I just do not want to drive for 3 hours every day.

I wouldn’t do that for ANY job. My kid says I should be supportive and drive them, but I am just not going to do it. I told them that this was an unreasonable request, and I’d be willing to do one trip (1.5 hours) only. There isn’t run public transportation here either. AITAH?

Not long after posting, OP shared two updates.

Edit: I use the words “child” and “kid” because they are non binary, not because I am implying that they are not an adult.

Edit 2 for more info: They did have a learners permit at one time and allowed it to expire. They did not want to learn to drive with our cars because we have two stick shift vehicles. They have had a car for 4 months that is not a stick shift. A long standing anxiety disorder/therapy is ongoing.

We moved to the country(not near public transportation) one year ago from a more urban suburb with public transportation. My adult child does currently have a job 20 minutes away and I spend 1 hour and 20 minutes each day going to/from there. This is due to driving there, going back home (I wfh), then going back later to pick them back up.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

EtFromme wrote:

No. Why did they even apply if they didn't know how to drive and couldn't get there?

OP responded:

They assumed I would take them. They are saying that they will get their license, but it does take several months to get it after you get a provisional license. I’m not even willing to drive 3 hours every day for one month.

Smashy-B wrote:

NTA. Unless you gave a car to a kid without a license.

If it were 20 minutes away? Give the kid a lift. get yourself a nice coffee or a breakfast and start the day slow. But 45 each way? Hell no.

OP responded:

Their grandmother gave them a car. It’s sitting in our driveway. They do not drive it because they do not have a license.

Cosmicpolaris wrote:

INFO

So why don't they go get their license?

OP responded:

I don’t know why- probably anxiety.

Flat_Contribution707 wrote:

NTA. Pose these questions to your adult dependent:

What is your backup plan if I am too sick to get out of bed?

What are you going to do if I have a work meeting that starts at the beginning of your shift?

Do you expect me to never go on work trips or vacations ever again?

Remind them that they have a car sitting in the driveway and they are old enough to go to the DMV alone.

Inner-Try-1302 wrote:

NTA and based on your responses you have made it way too comfortable to just avoid responsibility. They need to figure out adulting even if it makes them uncomfortable.

Make them drive whether they like it or not and don’t do anything for them until they agree to start shouldering some responsibilities. Lemme guess. They’re doing nothing but sticking their face in a screen and living like a perpetual adolescent since graduation two years ago?

OP responded:

No, they have a job currently. It’s 20 minutes away, which is doable. That’s 1 hour and 20 minutes of driving. I’m willing to do that, but I’m not willing to do 3 hours.

ODB247 wrote:

My kid wrecked my car and I got a new one that he wasn’t allowed to drive. He got a beater but it broke down quickly and it didn’t make a bit of sense for me to pay to fix it. I gave him time and a deadline to find a ride to/from work.

It was 45-60min there and back every Saturday and Sunday, meaning about 3-4 hours per day for me to do drop off and pick up. It cost me more in gas than he made. He was SO mad at me for “making” him quit, I really think it took him a long time to stop being mad about it. You have to do hard things sometimes. And it sucks to be seen as the bad guy. NTA though.

Ornery_Process wrote:

NTA for not driving them work. The bigger issue is it seems you’ve enabled some learned helplessness. Just the fact that your kid thinks it’s reasonable to even ask you to drive them 3 hours round trip speaks volumes.

Also you mention your kid may have anxiety/ procrastination that’s preventing them from getting their license. What are you doing to address this? Might they possibly have undiagnosed ADHD or some neurodivergence?

sweadle wrote:

20-year-olds with no license can't accept jobs 45 minutes away. They need to get their license and then look for a job. Because what if something happens and they don't get it? They waited until 20 without worrying about it. Make sure that not getting a license affects THEIR life not yours.