"AITA for needing time to sort out how I feel about the babysitter erasing a love note from my late husband?"

"AITA for needing more time to sort out how I feel about the babysitter erasing a love note from my late husband?"

My late husband (would be 44M) and I (43F) used to leave each other notes in dry erase marker on the mirror and and on the counter by the coffee maker. When he passed away (3 years ago) I put tape over his notes to preserve them. Seemingly forever. Having three young children I hired a babysitter to help out.

She's been with us for a year and one of the first things I pointed out was the notes. The other day she removed the tape and wiped away the notes, stating she wasn't thinking and was just trying to help clean up what she thought was something the kids did. It said "forever my girl."

Being rather upset, but also open to the idea that it has been three years, maybe it's time to to remove the notes, I told her I needed space to figure things out. I'm leaning towards asking her not to come back because I can't get over it.

It seems intentional on some level but that may just be my hurt talking. Even if it's a lapse in judgement, I wanted to be the one to take it off when ready. It's been two days and I'm still not ready to have her back yet she keeps asking if she can work. AITA for wanting to say no or for wanting to say I can't move past this? Thanks, y'all.

The commenters had a lot to say in response.

Fleurtheleast wrote:

"It seems intentional on some level but that may just be my hurt talking."

She's worked for you for a whole year, the notes were shown to her and explained from the get go, but one day she just 'forgot' and thought one of the children wrote 'my forever girl' to you? Not buying it.

She's probably one of those people who think grief has an appropriate timeline and an expiration date, and that people need to be forcefully 'helped' along.

This was not her place in any form or fashion. It's pretty outrageous. Even if it HAD been an accident, you're still deeply upset, and you're allowed to no longer want to employ someone who has caused you grief. NTA. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry this happened to you.

ETA: As has been pointed out by other commenters, she would have had to scrape at carefully-placed three-year-old tape and wipe at even older ink...TWICE...two different locations...to remove LOVE notes...and on both occasions she forgot "I was explicitly told not to touch this?" I'm not buying the 'autopilot, thought it was the kids' excuses at all.

iwantaponytoo wrote:

She's been with you a year, she was told about the notes- and for her own reasons she knowingly removed the tape to wipe off these messages. She knew it wasn't the kids- the messages have been there for a year, ffs.

Whether it's "too long" to have them or not is noone's business but your own- as was the decision to remove them or not. HUGE invasion of privacy imo. I wouldn't have her back. NTA.

OtherwiseJello194 wrote:

No, I don’t think you’re the a$$***e. I lost my boyfriend is 2019. He was 36 then. I was 35. A year later a “friend” threw the peace lily from his funeral in the garbage. Needless to say, I never spoke to that person again because I knew it was intentional. Find a new babysitter but if you can’t, at least make this one sweat a bit.

Lost_Woodpecker1 wrote:

NTA - It makes no sense for her to remove that after you explained what they were and asked her not to touch them. That's a big breach of trust. Your grief sounds like it's difficult and I'm sorry you're struggling with it. I don't think you'd be TA for not letting her return to work for you. It should have been something you got rid of in your own time. Wish you the best.

kurokomainu wrote:

NTA I suspect that she thought it was time for you to "move on" or whatever and interfered knowingly. If that's not the case, I don't understand why she would remove protective tape to erase writing she knew nothing about, especially if they were affectionate messages.

Even doing it in ignorance is over-stepping, as even if she had truly forgotten about their source and meaning the unusual state of them being taped over alone should have been enough of a clue for her to back off. She chose to go the extra mile to erase them. Why?

Beautiful_Main-9136 wrote:

You don’t accidentally remove tape and spray cleaner and wipe something off, meanwhile you stopped to READ IT. It was 100% intentional. There was no way this could have accidentally happened. Who removes tape to clean off writing? Clearly it’s meant to be there especially after a year she wouldn’t even notice it if it didn’t bother her and if she didn’t intend to erase it. NTA. Fire her.

She has no respect for yours or the kids grief. They probably loved seeing the writing also and they may have even wanted to get a gift for you or a tattoo with it in the future or maybe you would’ve liked to do that. What an awful human that babysitter is.

No_Gold_3908 wrote:

I’m sorry you’re hurting and although grief changes over time it lasts forever. You’re doing your best and the notes should have stayed for as long as you wanted them to remain. 15 years would have been fine - they were a very real reminder of your love.

It was either stupid or cruel of her to remove them and I would not want stupid or cruel around my kids - you’re not overreacting and I wouldn’t have her back. Wishing you peace.

beached_not_broken wrote:

Of course it’s intentional. She had to remove the tape, then wash it off. It wasn’t her place to remove it. It’s worse than if she decided to remove all his photos from the house, at least you could still reprint those. And what about the kids? Would t it have been nice for them to see how wonderful daddy was? She had no right and it was intentional. I’d find someone else.

constant_potato164 wrote:

If she "forgot" or thought it was the kids drawing, then there is something wrong with her brain. How old is this sitter? Also, I wonder if has been talking to your kids about it And decided if they don't mind then probably it's just you that is grieving and you should get over it...

Seems intentional, and I would be inclined to get another sitter because every time you look at her you're going to remember and be upset or resentful on some level. She messed up big time.