'AITA for not having meals with my family because they won't accommodate my wife's allergies?'
"AITA for no longer taking part in meals with my family because they won't accommodate my wife's allergies?"
My wife (25f) has food allergies. Shellfish and peanuts are her most serious ones, but she's also allergic to celery and soy. She's used to people not being willing to accommodate her OR being lazy about it and thinking they can make food with one of those things in it and just not putting it on her plate.
So she'll normally bring some food if people seem unsure about what to do. When we first went to one of my family's dinners she brought along some stuff she could eat because my mom had made it sound like she couldn't accommodate the allergies.
But when we got there mom was offended that she had brought food. We explained why and mom said in future she'd just make food my wife could eat. I'll say this now. Before we moved close and started joining family dinners, my wife and family got along so well and everything was fine.
But we moved to be closer to both our families 18 months ago. My wife didn't bring anything the next time and mom had something she could eat. And for a few months this was how it was. Then one of the days she served something specially for my wife but the rest of us had shellfish and soy in our food.
My mom was not careful about food safety prep and there was contact between what my wife ate and what we ate and my wife had an allergic reaction. Mom said she felt bad and apologized. But then after that dinner she decided it was too much hassle to make a whole other meal for my wife and then she started making one meal again but it was a meal my wife couldn't eat.
My wife started bringing her own food again but my mom didn't like it. After some back and forth and me talking to my whole family about the issue, and them saying it was unfair to expect mom to cook, but she was still adamant she didn't want to do something separate for my wife, so I told them it was for the best if my wife and I just didn't join them for these dinners.
My family did not like this decision and we have faced criticism for this choice. Well, I have. They know I decided to just stop showing up. I told them the health and safety of my wife comes first and since she can't win and she's not risking another allergic reaction eating there, and it wouldn't be fair to have her sit and watch us eat, then not going is our sole option remaining. AITA?
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
mdthomas wrote:
I'm confused on how your wife bringing her own food has any impact on everyone else enjoying the meal. What does your mother expect your wife to do? Sit there and watch everyone else eat? NTA.
OP responded:
She finds it rude to bring your own meal to other people's dinner "parties" or family dinners. But she is not being provided food she can safely eat so the only other option would be she doesn't eat.
chicken_eater_629 wrote:
NTA. Umm, your mom doesn’t want to cook food for your wife, fair enough, so she bought her own and she has a problem with that too? She wants her to eat food she is specifically allergic to? Absurd. NTA and good decision honestly.
OP responded:
Or to sit there and not eat which is really the only other option available here.
MNCrazyGirl wrote:
NTA. Your wife's health is more important than being at these family dinners. Sounds like your family believes your wife is making things up because she doesn't want to eat what the family is eating. She should be allowed to bring her own food if they want you there so much.
OP responded:
They believe her. They witnessed her allergic reaction. They just feel like mom shouldn't have to make food suited to her specifically. But she didn't have to. My wife brought her own food and it still wasn't acceptable to them.
cndnsportsfan wrote:
Wow. Those don't seem like wild culinary exclusions. Your family can either accommodate her needs, welcome her to bring her own food, or shut the f up. You're NTA. You'd only be the AH if you were forcing or expecting special behavior, but it sounds like you just want to be present and are happy to prepare your own stuff. Is your mom the type to always insist on hosting?
NoHorseNoMustache wrote:
Your mom specifically made shellfish when your wife came even though she knew about the allergy? Seriously? You know she did that on purpose. NTA but your mom surely is.
My mom has a thing about big dogs jumping up on her. My dad's side of the family refused to put their large, poorly trained dogs in their fully furnished basement when we were there for Thanksgiving. We do not speak with them anymore, they chose the dogs over human family.
Famous_Specialist_44 wrote:
What's so difficult about avoiding shellfish, celery, soy and peanuts for a meal every now and again so they don't k-ll their inlaw?
NTA for making sure your wife doesn't die for the sake of a satay.
Maybe host a couple of times and show them how easy it is to cook a decent meal without the deadly ingredients.
Your family eh! Gotta love them. Sweethearts.
EquivalentTwo1 wrote:
NTA. I worked with a coworker who was allergic to soy along with a few other things. We traveled often for work and ate very early in the morning (before 6 AM) or very late for the areas we were in. We all still made sure to find accommodating places.
Sometimes she would have to go in the kitchen with our boss to ensure no cross contamination, but not having an allergic reaction and putting our project behind schedule was important.
We stopped eating at places that could not accommodate her. We still all ate great even in small towns. They were a bunch of nurses (I am not one). Doing what you need to to ensure the safety of your family (your wife) is the right thing to do.