My son “George” just turned 13 this month.
George is very bright, projected to get 8s or 9s in his GCSEs, and regularly achieves these grades in his mock exams and assessments. But he struggles socially and has been b-llied badly in the past.
Things are better now, but he isn’t popular. As part of his PD class, he had to create a children’s toy and give a sales pitch to the class. Last Friday was the presentation day, and George was really excited. He’d put a lot of effort into his toy and the presentation. But I got a notification saying George had been given a C3 (after-school detention), something he’s never received before.
As he’d refused to participate in class and didn’t do his presentation. When I picked him up, I could tell immediately that he was upset. I asked him what happened and why he didn’t do the presentation. He said he didn’t refuse the presentation; when it was his turn, he asked to go later. His teacher said no, and that he had to do it then or get a C3.
George said he “couldn’t do it now,” but didn’t explain further when asked, so he was given the C3. I kept pressing him, worried that maybe he was being b-llied again. Eventually, he told me the real reason: he had a random er-ction just before his turn and, no matter what, it “wouldn’t go down."
With that info, I think George’s request was perfectly reasonable. He didn’t refuse to do the presentation—he simply asked to do it a little later. Obviously, he didn’t want to explain the reason in front of the whole class when the teacher asked him. His mum was really angry with him for getting the C3. I explained what happened and said I didn’t think George was wrong.
I said I’m not supporting the detention and would pick him up at the normal time. When I told his mum what happened, she looked disgusted and said something like, “Why did he even have one in class to begin with?” I explained that random er-ctions happen, especially in early puberty, and they don’t always relate to s-xual thoughts, which is what she was assuming.
She replied, “Well, I’m not sure that’s true,” dismissing what I said. So I told her, “You might not be sure, but I am.”
She insisted we needed to present a united front, along with the school, and that by going against her, I was sending George the wrong message.
I asked why her way of handling it was automatically right and why I should be the one to concede. It escalated into a big argument, which we haven’t had in years. She’s saying she is going to punish him for refusing when it’s her week with him next week and that I am being an AH for “going against her.”
Her mother texted me saying I was setting a bad example for George by letting him get away with being disrespectful to his teacher. Which he wasn’t even, just asked to do his presentation later. I respectfully told her she should mind her own business, and that George was my son. But now I’m worrying whether I’ve done the right thing, and I need some outside perspectives.
VicLap45 wrote:
NTA. Puberty is a hard (no pun intended) time in a kid's like and having a random erection in class does not help. Your wife may need a lesson in biology from the male perspective. Unless she is a MD how would she know what happens in the male body at that age? Everyone talks about the big stuff but there are lots of little things that go on at random times. Puberty can be interesting for some kids.
Kudos to you for supporting your son in what is otherwise an embarrassing moment he tried his best to avoid and hopefully he doesn't feel ashamed for what he had no control over. It happens just like the need to sneeze at an inopportune moment. You may need to sit your wife down and have an honest discussion from the male point of view on puberty.
Just like you may not know everything that goes on with women in puberty, she may not know. I may still reach out to the teacher and explain the situation. He wasn't being disrespectful, just trying to avoid the shame and b-llying that would have been bound to come if he did his presentation right then.
OP responded:
Thank you, all good advice honestly. And yeah I have reached out to the school, and asked for them to give me a bell so I can talk to them. They did say they were going to ring today, but haven’t yet. But I am going to explain what happened, how I think they handled it poorly especially considering his past with b--lying and the fact he has never even been given a C1 before.
A_Weird_Pickle wrote:
NTA. Your son’s request was completely rational as he didn’t refuse to present altogether but simply needed some time. There was absolutely no reason for his teacher to give him that grade for making a simple request. The teacher is being unreasonable as your son was still going to present either way. I believe it was unfair grading on the teacher's end.
OP responded:
The project wasn’t graded, a “C3” stands for a “Consequence 3”. “C1” is a warning, “C2” is a break time (Americans call this recess) detention*, “C3” is an after school detention, “C4” is a in school seclusion.
Given that George has never even been given a C1, I thought it was really unfair that she gave him a C3.
*ETA I meant “break time” was the equivalent to recess. Not the C2. A C2 would be a detention during recess.
urgasmic wrote:
NTA. I feel like I don't know why you haven't spoken to the school and simply cleared this up. Its quite embarrassing in the moment and he definitely would be teased for it. I don't blame him for wanting to go later.
The teacher should have just spoken to him in private or something to see what was going on instead of making a show and disciplining him. Your wife is wrong and should learn to listen more.
OP responded:
I have requested to talk with his form tutor and the teacher in question to explain why I wasn’t going to support the C3. I was told I would receive a call from them some time today but haven’t yet.
I’m not going to come at them rudely, but simply tell them I think they handled it poorly and should have asked to speak to him later. In my opinion it would be obvious not to ask him the reason he was refusing in front of the whole class and then give him no chance to explain later.
I wanted to come on and give a little update about how I handled everything with his George and his school and clarify some things as well. I'm writing this on the Sunday, and it's currently half-term for George so he has a week off school. Firstly George was never able to give his presentation, which he was really upset about because he had worked so hard on it.
But the presentations aren't "graded." I think this was a difference between the US and English education system. We don't generally have graded projects, at least I never did and neither does George (Also side note but we can't repeat a year - or "grade" - here).
At George's school he gets his "effort grades" at the end of each term, and he does a mock-GCSE style exam at the end of each year which we get given the results, but these don't actually matter they're just to give insight of how they're doing and to give practice for his real GCSEs when he's in Year 11.
Onto another thing, many people commented that I should have shown him the old "lift and tuck," I can tell you he already knows the trick. His school requires that he wears formal suit-trousers and if anyone has worn those type of trousers before you know you can't do the lift and tuck effectively and even if you could a large bulge would still be easily noticeable.
Okay, onto what happened with his school. So his Head of Year rang me after school on Tuesday and we arranged a meeting on Wednesday. I told George that he didn't have to share the details of exactly why he didn't want to do the presentation unless he felt comfortable sharing it.
I wasn't going to force it out of him. The class teacher who gave him the after-school detention didn't come to the meeting. So it was just me, George and his HoY. His HoY is a really decent guy and he has a great relationship with George. His HoY started with saying he was so shocked when he learnt that George had been given a C3, since it was so unlike him and asked what happened.
Like I said George has a great relationship with the HoY, so George started trying to explain. He didn't say 'I had an erection', he said something along the lines of "something embarrassing was happening with my body and I just couldn't stand up when [teacher] called me."
HoY looked slightly puzzled for a brief moment but then I think realised what George was trying to say and said something like "oh no need to explain further, I was a teen once too, I understand."
I went on to say about how they're aware he has a history of b-llying, and he struggles with friends and how I felt the teacher could have handled the situation differently.
HoY agreed, said he would discuss it with the teacher and he would cancel the C3 for George. I thanked him and he encouraged George to come to him with any problems in future instead of just getting upset and staying quiet. I thanked him.
Now, onto George's mother, I wish I could say things went as well with her as they did with the school. I'm honestly not sure what's up with her, but she isn't usually like this. A lot of people were commenting that she sounds very unreasonable, in that moment I do agree with you but normally she is not like that and we have a great friendship even though we are not in a romantic relationship anymore.
She ended up ringing George to tell him that she wanted him to go to the C3 whether it had been cancelled or not, George rightfully said that was ridiculous and that he wasn't going to do that, they both ended up having a huge argument.
She sent me a tirade of messages about how disrespectful I am (I'm not), how I was raising him to be entitled (not true), how he'll end up in prison because he doesn't understand consequences (he won't and he does). I turned off the notifications for her messages and just left her to it.
I am meant to drop the boys off at her house tomorrow for her week with them, but George has said he doesn't want to go. At this point I am of two minds on whether to support that decision or not. On one hand I wouldn't want her to ever encourage either of the boys to not spend their week with me, but on the other hand it should be his choice.
I feel like I'm walking on thin ice here and I am honestly not sure how to navigate it. I could stay out of it completely and just let him make the choice, but maybe encourage him to spend his week with her. Because I think that's how I would like her to handle it. I do feel really conflicted. If you read all this, thank you!
bowlofweetabix wrote:
I'm so glad that the school was reasonable! I would honestly keep George at yours the next week. It would be detrimental to his physical and mental health to send him to his mum's right now. Maybe the two of you could meet with someone, a mediator, doctor, anyone to get her to act rationally.
OP responded:
Yeah, it's tricky. I obviously support George, but I don't want to encourage him either way really. I don't know, it's hard because if it was the other way around I think I would want her to encourage him to stay with me (although I don't think she would).
AffectionateAgent264 wrote:
I'm so glad the school were reasonable, shame his mother isn't! If he wants to skip her week and stay with you I think he is old enough to make that decision, but you have more of an idea as to whether that will cause more trouble or give her time to think.
OP responded:
I do think he is old enough to make that choice also, but it's still hard. He's never wanted to not go before. I don't want to cause tension between him and her, so I'm really cautious with how I'm approaching this.
Samarkand457 wrote:
You know, you might want to check if she's gotten into the sort of online groups that encourage tough love or authoritarian parenting. It sounds a bit like the sort of situation where someone was a "normal" conservative before suddenly starting to spout off about The Storm and how vaccines are mind control enabled by 5G cellphone signals. Something might have gotten into her mind to cause it to rot.
even_speech570 wrote:
Mom sounds like she’s on a power trip. She doesn’t seem to care WHY George was uncomfortable, doesn’t care that he did nothing wrong, and doesn’t even care that the school AGREED with George in the end. Has she always been like this? Is something going on in her life and it’s spinning out of control?